Cunt.

No I don’t care. I’m done caring about what my words mean.

Dear Doctor GM,

Fuck you and your referral letter.

Part of me wants to link you this but that’s probably not the greatest idea. Not because I care that it will be taken out of context or I won’t be taken seriously, because I already know that’s a fucking given, I’m just a stupid little junkie woman that’s constantly ‘truculent’ (thanks for the new word by the way, I’ll use it whenever someone airs their frustrations to me and I want to be a patronising fuck about it). I won’t do it because I don’t think the gp I see noticed that there’s a big bold disclaimer on the letter saying;

Without prejudice. Not for release to Patient or Third Party.

So even though I want to link this hate filled blog to you in an email, I won’t because the gp actually gives a shit about me. Or he does a good job at making me believe that, like you did.

I don’t think you realise how important it is to get the information correct on a referral like this. Or maybe you do, but you don’t care. After all, I’m not a tax payer so I have no real value as a person in this society, not nearly as much as you being a ‘small town psychiatrist’ as you called it. A private one of that. Did you give yourself a pat on the back for waving my appointment fee, since ya’ couldn’t help me so it wouldn’t be fair to charge me. I would’ve been happy to pay the fee if you did your fucking job and wrote down my history correctly;

Getting a history from Kimberley was quite difficult because at interview she was quite tearful at times and truculent at other times : a comprehensive storyline was difficult to establish.’

It wasn’t comprehensive because you didn’t ask me any fucking questions! You let me ramble on about myself then spent 40 minutes talking at me about the fact that there was no hope for me or my generation to get a job and that Australia has a corrupt and fucked up government. You knew you couldn’t help me from the start so the whole session was just you fucking fluffing for most of the time. But I noticed you wrote down key factors to do with the drugs both illegal and prescription that I’ve taken. Autopilot, autopilot, keywords, keywords. That’s why my storyline wasn’t fucking comprehensive.

Cunt.

‘Medical history includes polycystic ovarian syndrome diagnosed recently.’

This pisses me off so much you have no idea. PCOS was diagnosed at 14. I’ve LITERALLY been telling doctors about this since then, but until I got another recent ultrasound no one took my word for it. THEY NEVER FUCKING LISTEN TO ME.

I believe she is on the ‘disability stream’ for the next 3 months via Centrelink.’

You really were a deaf old cunt weren’t you. I said I was EXEMPT from my stream for the next 3 months, the disability stream has been a permanent thing for years. What I was asking for was a letter from you helping me get on to disability PAYMENTS, which you declined because in your words it was ‘a pointless endeavour’ which actually translates to ‘filling out paperwork is tedious’.

She also mentioned suffering lifelong anxiety for which she had tried Xanax and Valium and about which she was enquiring in terms of further treatment.’

THAT’S A LOAD OF FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! This pisses me off so badly on so many levels! I also mentioned? Are you fucking serious, IT WAS WHAT THE WHOLE SESSION WAS ABOUT! I got prescribed Xanax and Valium at the same time when I first got diagnosed at 15, it was a completely bullshit thing to prescribe someone that young. I made a throw away exasperated comment about no one wanting to prescribe anything to help with my crippling anxiety and it’s not like you could give me Valium continuously even though it would be nice to have some relief from it. I NEVER FUCKING ONCE ASKED FOR THOSE DRUGS IN THAT SESSION! Do you even realise how much of a junkie you’ve made me out to be in this one fucking line?! NO ONE TAKES A PERSON ASKING FOR BENZOS SERIOUSLY, IN THE HISTORY OF FUCKING EVER!

You’ve branded me with the junkie label. You ignored the fact I’ve quit fucking cigarettes and haven’t touched had drugs in over 8 years to give me this fucking benzo label when I’ve never fucking once abused those drugs. And the other psych, the only one in fucking Melbourne that can help me, is immediately going to judge me like this because YOU are meant to be the credible source.

FUCKYOYFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU.

And there goes any hope I had in the system and for myself.

Cunt.

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Scratched loop brain words

Why don’t I get it? Why don’t I understand how people work? Why don’t I feel close? Is any of it real? Why can’t I sense anything? Why can’t I feel properly? Why do I feel so much? Why does it hurt?

Why can’t I think of anything other then questions?

Why does nothing make sense? Am I going crazy? What is normal? Am I normal? If no one is normal then what is crazy? Why is nothing good enough? Why am I so angry? Why am I so sad? Why am I so confused? Why am I so bad when nothing is wrong?

Why can’t I think of anything original? Why can’t I create? Why are my ideas so boring? Why is everything I do awful? Why am I so intolerable? Why does it seem like everyone hates me?

Why is no one honest? Why is no one open? Why can’t I accept praise? Why is doing the right thing never enough? Why does it feel like everyone’s against me? Why do people keep yelling when they aren’t? Why can’t anyone hear how loud it is?

Why can’t I be an adult? Why can’t I function? Why don’t people get me? Why don’t I get me? Will I ever not be completely empty? Will the hole ever not be there?

Will I ever get it? Will anything ever be worth it? Will my brain ever not be a prison?
 Will I ever be truly happy? What’s the difference between happy and manic? How do people control their impulses?

How do people not overthink? Why do I overthink? How do I stop overthinking? Why do I care what others think? Why does not caring about appearance means not caring about yourself when caring about looks is narcissistic?

If you shouldn’t care about what people think then why do you have to care what people feel? Do I lack empathy even typing that? Are there unwritten rules that people just know?

Will these questions ever be answered in a way that makes sense to me?

Is peace different to happiness? Is happiness different to contentment? If no one takes words literally then what’s the point of using words at all? If body language explains more then why do we need to talk? 
Why are people mean? Why are nice people liars? Why can’t I describe the ache I feel?

What’s the point of my existence? Will I ever go anywhere? Will I ever not be terrified? Will I ever stop repeating myself? Will I ever stop asking questions? Will I ever stop over thinking? Will it ever stop being a circle?

When will it stop?

When will this stop?

When will I stop?

When will it end…

I Don’t Understand

I’ve had a while to think about the diagnosis, and overall I’m happy with what they said.

I was happy that they proved me right.

I was happy that I had something more reasonable to explain me as a person.

But I’m also starting to realise the extent of social issues I’ve always had.

There are some days where I just can’t function, usually they’re triggered by the way I sleep. I usually have a bad dream, and I wake up to something that I don’t want to deal with. These days are the days where any little thing can trigger tears, what am I saying, most days are like that, but these days are particularly bad.

Because when I start crying on days like this I can’t stop.

I get so overwhelmed. I can’t think rationally, and any outside attempt at trying to get me to see reason and logic will immediately be crushed by my mind that spins its way into a downward spiral, and it doesn’t stop until it reaches the very bottom. It’s hell for that time spent in the very blackest of these moments. Because all I feel is pain, and the scab gets unpicked and it feels like an open bleeding wound inside of me that will never heal, because I can’t remember where it even came from, only that it’s a combination of everything terrible way I’ve felt and been hurt.

My brain goes into full meltdown.

But then just like that it’s over. I pull myself out of the roughest of it, and I can think again. These meltdowns will always happen, and the pain always feels at the same level. The sadness always lingers for a while and I’m always exhausted, but then I start to reflect.

I thought I could read people, but I can’t actually read people at all.

I can’t understand the subtleties of conversation or people. I can only take people at their word, which is stupid because I take words literally and most people don’t. But I don’t have anything else to go on because I can’t read body language.

I’ll never understand people the same way normal people do, and normal people don’t understand me. I trust too easily, because I can only trust completely, or not at all. So it’s easy to fuck me over. And people sure have. I realise that now.

I thought I knew what loving someone meant, but I don’t think I even understand what love is, I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I don’t even know if I have the ability to truly grasp the adult concept of it, and not the ridiculous romantic thing it is in my head.

If only you knew how tortured I feel, knowing that I lack something that I don’t even understand the concept of. How do you learn something that’s supposed to be natural?

I’ll always see what people want me to see, but I’ll never understand if they’re being sincere or just polite.

I’ll never understand the difference between poking fun and bullying, because my sensitivity is so high.

I’ll always have to think about what I say because there are so many social rules that are just inherently known that I’m still learning.

I always felt like I was putting together a puzzle in my head, and for a while the autism diagnosis felt like a final piece to the puzzle.

Now I realise that the puzzle was fucked from the start, I’ll never piece it together because the pieces are abstract and don’t fit together.

I feel like an alien. Like there’s something that everyone else knows but I don’t. I feel like even though I’m starting to make friends, it makes me more self conscious and concerned then ever. Because I don’t know what I do to fuck things up. And I never see it coming.

And I’m scared that people just pity me, but I know that’s just due to how badly I see myself. It’s kind of weak in a way.

I’d rather beat myself down then acknowledge that I’m someone people want to spend time with, and with that comes the responsibility of being self aware and thinking before I speak.

I guess it is a trust thing too. I have to trust completely that these people are being sincere with me, it’s just really hard to trust when you can’t read people.

And I can’t read people.

I don’t understand.

I find myself saying that a lot lately.

One thing I know for sure is this; I’m a genuine person and I can say that for certainty.

So shame on you for using that to your advantage.

 

This Is Your Brain, On Kim

I was right, I was right all along… 

To anybody who follows my posts (which is a very small few but I love you guys none the less), you know I’m not mentally stable. You know I’ve been diagnosed with a lot of things, and you know I’ve been trying for a year now to get this Autism Spectrum Disorder assessment.

Well, today I had my final appointment for this whole ordeal, this whole year long process.

And they confirmed I was correct in my theory, I am on the Autism Spectrum.

I’ve been in the mental health system for 10 years now. I’ve seen everybody, psychiatrists, psychologists, general practitioners, counsellors, youth workers. I’ve had over 7 psychiatric assessments, and all of them concluded Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve been seen as a problem. I’ve seen ‘arrogant’ written on pieces of note paper more times then I can count. I’ve been dismissed, and pumped with medication to shut me up. I’ve been told to grow up, I’ve been told that I’m wired wrong and that I need therapy to teach me all the basic human skills that I lack.

I’ve been made to feel like I’m an awful person, who is possessive and manipulative and terrible.

But none of those health professionals even considered this possibility, I MADE them consider this possibility. I DID. It was ME that knew that this diagnosis was correct.

And all this year I’ve been made to feel like I was wrong, that I was arrogant to try and diagnose myself. That I was just trying to find an excuse to justify all my problematic behaviour.

But if I hadn’t of put my foot down and fucking demanded they help me, actually fucking help me instead of going through the same thing and getting the same result…

Then I would still be in the system being pushed down and dismissed because it’s a lot easier to slap a personality disorder label on someone then actually think about it.

I lost my love over this… in all reality I most likely lost him before that but me searching for answers was the icing on the cake. 

It wasn’t for nothing though.

Part of me wants to shove this diagnosis so far down all those health professionals throats that it burns when they shit it out the other end. Part of me wants to jump up and down like a maniac screaming ‘I fucking told you so’ at the top of my lungs.

I am not stupid, and I am not crazy…

I thought this was a waste of time. I thought that I was just using valuable resources for the kids who actually need to use this service. Not many people my age get assessed for autism. It’s something that usually needs to be diagnosed in childhood.

I was prepared to drop this train of thought entirely and admit that I was wrong.

But I was never wrong. I was right.

Even though I knew this all along, I was still not prepared for this outcome. And I honestly don’t know where to go from here. I know that this doesn’t change who I am, and it’s going to take some time to put my trust back in the system that fucked me over so hard.

They should have never diagnosed me with Borderline at the age that they did, because they essentially created the disorder in me.

So what do I do now? Where do I go from here?

I guess I’ll start from the beginning again.

Hi, my name is Kim, and I have autism.

 

 

 

Covfefe

I’ve got about 3 drafts sitting here because I wanted to post a meaningful and important thing about how important it is for all Australians to vote on the marriage equality situation that’s going to happen.

But I can’t write anything rational about the subject because it makes me so fucking angry that there’s even a vote at all.

So instead this is just another random life post, because when all the shit in my life gets too hard to deal with, I come back here to let you know I’m not dead in a ditch or anything.

So I’m moving out. This time last year, well, around this time anyway I posted about this house. It was magical when we first moved in. A quirky, weird place that I thought we were going to spend a lot of time in.

I didn’t know that this place was the beginning of the end for us. 

And I read the post that I wrote that year ago and I realise how fucking naive I was. Because this place is a piece of shit that deserves nothing more then to be bull dozed.

It’s been utter hell all winter due to the lack of proper heating and because of the shitty layout makes the wood fire place redundant. There are holes everywhere leading to the outside so I live with bugs and rodents and fuck knows what else that wants to get out of the cold. Oh, and I mustn’t forget about the lovely neighbourhood this place is located in… not only did junkies run down my front fence but they also ran down my neighbours fence too, the joys of living on the corner of round about’s with young dickheads around.

Yep, of course I feel perfectly safe here.

But in spite of all of that, I can’t stop the sadness. I had so many dreams that were crushed in this house, and I lived in this house for a year. Sometimes I wonder whether it’s him or the fact that I was so sure about this place. Before we came here I dreamt about a house with 3 rooms with high ceilings and that it was far away from where I was. And that’s exactly what this place was.

I’m glad I’m not on facebook anymore, because the family are all showing their true colours with this vote coming up.

I don’t give a fuck about the blood is thicker then water bullshit, if you quote the old testament like the cherry picking cunt you are, I hate you. And if you are still against gay marriage in this day and age you’re a fucking bigot, and your opinion doesn’t only mean shit to me, it’s fucking irrelevant in general. I don’t give a shit about sugar coating my feelings on the subject, I fucking hate this argument. It shouldn’t even be an issue left to the public and my fucking gosh I’m ashamed of this country!

Also where I stand on this issue should be pretty clear, but I support marriage equality.

gay pride

And this is why I couldn’t write a whole post on the subject, because I just get filled with rage.

Breathe Kim.

So I’ve been living in a no mood stabiliser hell for a couple of months now, because they thought it was giving me a rash but it turns out my house is just infested with fleas.

So I took matters into my own hands and started taking it again with the sheet I had left, even though I know I’m going to have to find another doctor in the next 4 days to prescribe them to me again. Because I’m not going back to a doctor who starts saying he fears for his safety because I disagree with him.

I feel physically ill when I kill bugs, and you say you fear for your safety because I said I don’t want to fuck around with a certificate for Centrelink? Fuck off idiot.

So it looks like this is just a pure anger post, but that’s all I can get out of myself right now, and it needs to come out.

I have nothing more to say about all this media covfefe.

RIP Chester Bennington…

Linkin Park meant a lot to me growing up…

I wouldn’t say they were in my top favourite bands or anything, it was more that they had a couple of albums that got me through some of the roughest years of my life, the ages of 12-17.

I was introduced to the band in 2003 with the song Somewhere I Belong becoming popular on mainstream radio. I was in grade 6 and I connected with that song in a way I hadn’t experienced before with any other band. If I could describe their music in one word it would be Raw. Because the lyrics were meaningful but painful, and Chesters vocals were so angry, raspy and full of expression. Coupled with the brilliant rhymes of Mark Wakefield, and the grimey guitars that just had the ability to express all the shittiness you were feeling inside.

chesr

It was like the band was perfectly describing how much I hurt, and it was done so beautifully and raw.

It’s horrible to think that you felt that there was no other way out except the one you took…

You never truly know how close anyone could be to the edge.

I Support Net Neutrality

Because I’m awful about talking about these things, here’s a post that explains it a lot better then me.

And to everyone who isn’t in the US and thinks this doesn’t affect you; it does.

This isn’t just a US problem, this is a problem that affects everyone

The free and open internet depends on Net Neutrality. Join us in the fight to preserve it on July 12.

via Join Us in the Fight for Net Neutrality — The WordPress.com Blog