Scratched loop brain words

Why don’t I get it? Why don’t I understand how people work? Why don’t I feel close? Is any of it real? Why can’t I sense anything? Why can’t I feel properly? Why do I feel so much? Why does it hurt?

Why can’t I think of anything other then questions?

Why does nothing make sense? Am I going crazy? What is normal? Am I normal? If no one is normal then what is crazy? Why is nothing good enough? Why am I so angry? Why am I so sad? Why am I so confused? Why am I so bad when nothing is wrong?

Why can’t I think of anything original? Why can’t I create? Why are my ideas so boring? Why is everything I do awful? Why am I so intolerable? Why does it seem like everyone hates me?

Why is no one honest? Why is no one open? Why can’t I accept praise? Why is doing the right thing never enough? Why does it feel like everyone’s against me? Why do people keep yelling when they aren’t? Why can’t anyone hear how loud it is?

Why can’t I be an adult? Why can’t I function? Why don’t people get me? Why don’t I get me? Will I ever not be completely empty? Will the hole ever not be there?

Will I ever get it? Will anything ever be worth it? Will my brain ever not be a prison?
 Will I ever be truly happy? What’s the difference between happy and manic? How do people control their impulses?

How do people not overthink? Why do I overthink? How do I stop overthinking? Why do I care what others think? Why does not caring about appearance means not caring about yourself when caring about looks is narcissistic?

If you shouldn’t care about what people think then why do you have to care what people feel? Do I lack empathy even typing that? Are there unwritten rules that people just know?

Will these questions ever be answered in a way that makes sense to me?

Is peace different to happiness? Is happiness different to contentment? If no one takes words literally then what’s the point of using words at all? If body language explains more then why do we need to talk? 
Why are people mean? Why are nice people liars? Why can’t I describe the ache I feel?

What’s the point of my existence? Will I ever go anywhere? Will I ever not be terrified? Will I ever stop repeating myself? Will I ever stop asking questions? Will I ever stop over thinking? Will it ever stop being a circle?

When will it stop?

When will this stop?

When will I stop?

When will it end…

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I Don’t Understand

I’ve had a while to think about the diagnosis, and overall I’m happy with what they said.

I was happy that they proved me right.

I was happy that I had something more reasonable to explain me as a person.

But I’m also starting to realise the extent of social issues I’ve always had.

There are some days where I just can’t function, usually they’re triggered by the way I sleep. I usually have a bad dream, and I wake up to something that I don’t want to deal with. These days are the days where any little thing can trigger tears, what am I saying, most days are like that, but these days are particularly bad.

Because when I start crying on days like this I can’t stop.

I get so overwhelmed. I can’t think rationally, and any outside attempt at trying to get me to see reason and logic will immediately be crushed by my mind that spins its way into a downward spiral, and it doesn’t stop until it reaches the very bottom. It’s hell for that time spent in the very blackest of these moments. Because all I feel is pain, and the scab gets unpicked and it feels like an open bleeding wound inside of me that will never heal, because I can’t remember where it even came from, only that it’s a combination of everything terrible way I’ve felt and been hurt.

My brain goes into full meltdown.

But then just like that it’s over. I pull myself out of the roughest of it, and I can think again. These meltdowns will always happen, and the pain always feels at the same level. The sadness always lingers for a while and I’m always exhausted, but then I start to reflect.

I thought I could read people, but I can’t actually read people at all.

I can’t understand the subtleties of conversation or people. I can only take people at their word, which is stupid because I take words literally and most people don’t. But I don’t have anything else to go on because I can’t read body language.

I’ll never understand people the same way normal people do, and normal people don’t understand me. I trust too easily, because I can only trust completely, or not at all. So it’s easy to fuck me over. And people sure have. I realise that now.

I thought I knew what loving someone meant, but I don’t think I even understand what love is, I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I don’t even know if I have the ability to truly grasp the adult concept of it, and not the ridiculous romantic thing it is in my head.

If only you knew how tortured I feel, knowing that I lack something that I don’t even understand the concept of. How do you learn something that’s supposed to be natural?

I’ll always see what people want me to see, but I’ll never understand if they’re being sincere or just polite.

I’ll never understand the difference between poking fun and bullying, because my sensitivity is so high.

I’ll always have to think about what I say because there are so many social rules that are just inherently known that I’m still learning.

I always felt like I was putting together a puzzle in my head, and for a while the autism diagnosis felt like a final piece to the puzzle.

Now I realise that the puzzle was fucked from the start, I’ll never piece it together because the pieces are abstract and don’t fit together.

I feel like an alien. Like there’s something that everyone else knows but I don’t. I feel like even though I’m starting to make friends, it makes me more self conscious and concerned then ever. Because I don’t know what I do to fuck things up. And I never see it coming.

And I’m scared that people just pity me, but I know that’s just due to how badly I see myself. It’s kind of weak in a way.

I’d rather beat myself down then acknowledge that I’m someone people want to spend time with, and with that comes the responsibility of being self aware and thinking before I speak.

I guess it is a trust thing too. I have to trust completely that these people are being sincere with me, it’s just really hard to trust when you can’t read people.

And I can’t read people.

I don’t understand.

I find myself saying that a lot lately.

One thing I know for sure is this; I’m a genuine person and I can say that for certainty.

So shame on you for using that to your advantage.

 

This Is Your Brain, On Kim

I was right, I was right all along… 

To anybody who follows my posts (which is a very small few but I love you guys none the less), you know I’m not mentally stable. You know I’ve been diagnosed with a lot of things, and you know I’ve been trying for a year now to get this Autism Spectrum Disorder assessment.

Well, today I had my final appointment for this whole ordeal, this whole year long process.

And they confirmed I was correct in my theory, I am on the Autism Spectrum.

I’ve been in the mental health system for 10 years now. I’ve seen everybody, psychiatrists, psychologists, general practitioners, counsellors, youth workers. I’ve had over 7 psychiatric assessments, and all of them concluded Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve been seen as a problem. I’ve seen ‘arrogant’ written on pieces of note paper more times then I can count. I’ve been dismissed, and pumped with medication to shut me up. I’ve been told to grow up, I’ve been told that I’m wired wrong and that I need therapy to teach me all the basic human skills that I lack.

I’ve been made to feel like I’m an awful person, who is possessive and manipulative and terrible.

But none of those health professionals even considered this possibility, I MADE them consider this possibility. I DID. It was ME that knew that this diagnosis was correct.

And all this year I’ve been made to feel like I was wrong, that I was arrogant to try and diagnose myself. That I was just trying to find an excuse to justify all my problematic behaviour.

But if I hadn’t of put my foot down and fucking demanded they help me, actually fucking help me instead of going through the same thing and getting the same result…

Then I would still be in the system being pushed down and dismissed because it’s a lot easier to slap a personality disorder label on someone then actually think about it.

I lost my love over this… in all reality I most likely lost him before that but me searching for answers was the icing on the cake. 

It wasn’t for nothing though.

Part of me wants to shove this diagnosis so far down all those health professionals throats that it burns when they shit it out the other end. Part of me wants to jump up and down like a maniac screaming ‘I fucking told you so’ at the top of my lungs.

I am not stupid, and I am not crazy…

I thought this was a waste of time. I thought that I was just using valuable resources for the kids who actually need to use this service. Not many people my age get assessed for autism. It’s something that usually needs to be diagnosed in childhood.

I was prepared to drop this train of thought entirely and admit that I was wrong.

But I was never wrong. I was right.

Even though I knew this all along, I was still not prepared for this outcome. And I honestly don’t know where to go from here. I know that this doesn’t change who I am, and it’s going to take some time to put my trust back in the system that fucked me over so hard.

They should have never diagnosed me with Borderline at the age that they did, because they essentially created the disorder in me.

So what do I do now? Where do I go from here?

I guess I’ll start from the beginning again.

Hi, my name is Kim, and I have autism.

 

 

 

Covfefe

I’ve got about 3 drafts sitting here because I wanted to post a meaningful and important thing about how important it is for all Australians to vote on the marriage equality situation that’s going to happen.

But I can’t write anything rational about the subject because it makes me so fucking angry that there’s even a vote at all.

So instead this is just another random life post, because when all the shit in my life gets too hard to deal with, I come back here to let you know I’m not dead in a ditch or anything.

So I’m moving out. This time last year, well, around this time anyway I posted about this house. It was magical when we first moved in. A quirky, weird place that I thought we were going to spend a lot of time in.

I didn’t know that this place was the beginning of the end for us. 

And I read the post that I wrote that year ago and I realise how fucking naive I was. Because this place is a piece of shit that deserves nothing more then to be bull dozed.

It’s been utter hell all winter due to the lack of proper heating and because of the shitty layout makes the wood fire place redundant. There are holes everywhere leading to the outside so I live with bugs and rodents and fuck knows what else that wants to get out of the cold. Oh, and I mustn’t forget about the lovely neighbourhood this place is located in… not only did junkies run down my front fence but they also ran down my neighbours fence too, the joys of living on the corner of round about’s with young dickheads around.

Yep, of course I feel perfectly safe here.

But in spite of all of that, I can’t stop the sadness. I had so many dreams that were crushed in this house, and I lived in this house for a year. Sometimes I wonder whether it’s him or the fact that I was so sure about this place. Before we came here I dreamt about a house with 3 rooms with high ceilings and that it was far away from where I was. And that’s exactly what this place was.

I’m glad I’m not on facebook anymore, because the family are all showing their true colours with this vote coming up.

I don’t give a fuck about the blood is thicker then water bullshit, if you quote the old testament like the cherry picking cunt you are, I hate you. And if you are still against gay marriage in this day and age you’re a fucking bigot, and your opinion doesn’t only mean shit to me, it’s fucking irrelevant in general. I don’t give a shit about sugar coating my feelings on the subject, I fucking hate this argument. It shouldn’t even be an issue left to the public and my fucking gosh I’m ashamed of this country!

Also where I stand on this issue should be pretty clear, but I support marriage equality.

gay pride

And this is why I couldn’t write a whole post on the subject, because I just get filled with rage.

Breathe Kim.

So I’ve been living in a no mood stabiliser hell for a couple of months now, because they thought it was giving me a rash but it turns out my house is just infested with fleas.

So I took matters into my own hands and started taking it again with the sheet I had left, even though I know I’m going to have to find another doctor in the next 4 days to prescribe them to me again. Because I’m not going back to a doctor who starts saying he fears for his safety because I disagree with him.

I feel physically ill when I kill bugs, and you say you fear for your safety because I said I don’t want to fuck around with a certificate for Centrelink? Fuck off idiot.

So it looks like this is just a pure anger post, but that’s all I can get out of myself right now, and it needs to come out.

I have nothing more to say about all this media covfefe.

RIP Chester Bennington…

Linkin Park meant a lot to me growing up…

I wouldn’t say they were in my top favourite bands or anything, it was more that they had a couple of albums that got me through some of the roughest years of my life, the ages of 12-17.

I was introduced to the band in 2003 with the song Somewhere I Belong becoming popular on mainstream radio. I was in grade 6 and I connected with that song in a way I hadn’t experienced before with any other band. If I could describe their music in one word it would be Raw. Because the lyrics were meaningful but painful, and Chesters vocals were so angry, raspy and full of expression. Coupled with the brilliant rhymes of Mark Wakefield, and the grimey guitars that just had the ability to express all the shittiness you were feeling inside.

chesr

It was like the band was perfectly describing how much I hurt, and it was done so beautifully and raw.

It’s horrible to think that you felt that there was no other way out except the one you took…

You never truly know how close anyone could be to the edge.

I Support Net Neutrality

Because I’m awful about talking about these things, here’s a post that explains it a lot better then me.

And to everyone who isn’t in the US and thinks this doesn’t affect you; it does.

This isn’t just a US problem, this is a problem that affects everyone

The free and open internet depends on Net Neutrality. Join us in the fight to preserve it on July 12.

via Join Us in the Fight for Net Neutrality — The WordPress.com Blog

If It Weren’t For Steven

Disclaimer: This post is going to be mainly me discussing Steven Universe, so if you want to watch the series with no spoilers at all then go do that, you don’t want to be here.

amethyst gif

Sometimes there are tv shows that come along that just change the way things in that genre completely, when it came to cartoons I’d say that Adventure Time was the first to change the cartoon genre of this generation. It was a cartoon that was both playful and fun on the surface, but was packed full of meaning and messaging that was both helpful to adults and children alike. It was, and still is a cartoon that is meant to be for everyone.

And so from Adventure Time, all the stars aligned and new creator with an idea so brillant was born.

Steven Universe was created by Rebecca Sugar, an artist working on Adventure Time who ended up leaving to work on her own TV show, Steven Universe. She is officially the first female cartoon creator in history according to this wiki article I’m skimming. Also she’s only 3 years older then me, she makes me feel like I could create something amazing.

rebecca sugar

And parts of me tweak out on the absolute unfairness of this fact, but at the same time at least it’s happening now, and I can’t think of anyone worthier of carrying the meaningful catoon torch like Rebecca Sugar.

rebecca sugar quote

Steven Universe is more then just a cartoon to me, it’s a friend. I started watching it on the week of the inevitable breakup, and even since then I’ve learnt so much from this show.

So the main premise of the show is that there is an alien race of space rocks called Gems, they are literally gemstones that project a light form of their choice, for this reason all the Gems are female as they don’t reproduce, they are grown in large groups. Anyway, the Gems essentially want to conquer everywhere so they had planned to use the Earth as a way to grow more Gems and deplete the worlds resources thus destroying the planet. A couple of Gems, the main one being Rose Quartz decide to try and save the planet, and they succeed for a while. Rose ends up meeting a human named Greg Universe and decide to have a child. In order for the child to exist it meant that Rose had to give up her gem and form in order for the child to exist.

And that’s who Steven Universe is half human, but also half Rose Quartz, he is essentially his mum.

This cartoon does not patronise the kids with perfect characters and unrealistic situations, already this show starts of with a pretty intense theme. And as much as it’s an incredibly colourful and all round beautiful show, it does an excellent job at confronting you with situations that make you think, without feeling afraid of it.

garnetwisdom

I mean, just look at these main character designs;

crystal gems

How’s this for showing every body type? And it’s not just like this for the main characters either;

beach city

This is a bit of the cast of the Beach City town people. Rebecca Sugar goes above and beyond to show you as many different people as she can, because this how real life is. She doesn’t throw these characters in your face either, she portrays them as normal people doing their own thing in the town.

Also I love that there are a couple of short Gems, it’s the only show that brings up the concept of feeling weak because of being small.

Not only that it tackles just about every subject, and in a non preachy way. All of the main characters have their issues, sometimes they even do truly shitty things, but it’s always put into the context of that character being in pain or there being a reason of why they acted like that.

amethystsong

This show also does a beautiful job at explaining the concept of love and relationships. The fact that Gems can fuse together in order to create another person thats stronger then both of them, is a pretty decent metaphor for sex and relationships. They show how fusion can be corrupted, and how people can be manipulated into doing it when they don’t want.

I’ve never seen a cartoon bring up the topic of consent before, but this topic gets brung up a few times throughout the series, just to concrete the fact that No means No in any circumstance.

And of course being a show this amazing and emotionally mature, it’s been banned a lot, mainly in Australia. Because the Gems are all female its safe to assume that there are lesbian relationships in it. In fact, one of the main characters, Garnet, is a fusion of Sapphire and Ruby, and because of how powerful their love is, Garnet has the ability to be Garnet all the time, whereas with every other Gem Fusion they eventually need to split apart or else they come corrupt and dangerous to be together.

I can’t think of a stronger metaphor for love then that.

ruby and sapphire

I love the whole concept of Garnet. I love how strong she is because the relationship is so strong. I love her design, her huge hips, her strong black woman vibe. She is the ultimate picture of strength, with all the sexiness because of her feminimity. I think showing a female character like that is incredibly hard to do without turning the character into an overly sexualised joke. This show celebrates the female form in my opinion.

garnet gif

This show isn’t based on lesbian relationships though, it just chooses to show all forms of relationships, straight and homosexual respectively.

Anyway, there’s so much more I coud say about Steven, and there might be more posts along the lines so expand more on it.

Maybe.

But you should do yourself a favour and watch this show. Everything about it is good and relevant.

Also it’s inspired some art out of me, here’s one of mine;

Steven Universe collage

Including the music which is just catchy on so many levels.

This song mainly, it’s one I go back to whenever I feel like everything is getting too much.