My Life In Black & White

I’m not usually one to share too much of my emotional issues, anymore. I’m still technically learning what’s appropriate and what’s not in a social norm. It’s just, the thing is, I think most are going to find my opinions on here, intense in the one direction. And I do want to explain why, because I think I can now without being so outwardly aggressive (even though I never realized when I was being that way). Of course I’m writing this for some attention, anyone who writes anything is doing that, but not in the way I used to seek it, that probably doesn’t make any sense. So I guess I’ll give a basic rundown of my life so it makes more sense:

In primary school I was a very picked on kid, I don’t know whether it was because kids can sense weakness or weirdness but anyway, that’s what was happening. But now I look back on it, a lot of it could’ve all been in my head, I was incredibly hypersensitive with a huge sense of everyone hates me, even from the youngest age. There were a few friends I did make sometimes, but I always felt that they weren’t really including me, again, that could’ve been all in my head also. I was very quiet, I did what I was told, I didn’t break the rules. I always thought I was older then my peers, mentally older, I couldn’t relate to them and to this day I still can’t. Grade 6 camp, while everyone was doing their little dances to pop songs and whatever, I was memorizing Monty Python sketches and reciting them line for line. I grew up as an only child, I had 3 older brothers that were my mums not my fathers, but they didn’t live with us as they were all over 20 by the time I was 8. As you can clearly tell my parents weren’t young, my mum was 40 when she had me so maybe that’s why I had a heightened sense of maturity. Apparently I was the perfect text book child, I reached my milestones at all the times I child-rearing book would say I would, I would only cry if I needed something. I didn’t test the boundaries when I was under 12, I knew where they were and what would happen if I crossed them, from my observations of every other child in before and after school care.

When I was 11 something terrible happened to me. For my own sanity I’m not going to discuss it, sexual assault is rough and I’ve spent years burying the pain, burying, not repressing. The last year of primary school was very quiet for me, all I did was read and write, I got left alone, it’s almost as if kids were intimidated by me .So by the time I hit 13, I went fucking mental.

I was the exact opposite of what I was, I left my parents in ruins, they had no idea what the fuck happened to their little girl. I did everything I got told not to do, I started smoking cigarettes, getting into terrible relationships with horrible teenage boys that used and abused. I blatantly refused to do sport at high school, argued about it not helping me academically, that they didn’t support the arts in the same way, everything you could think of to argue why sport was bad. I wanted to win, I wanted to fight authority. There was another instance where I knew there was a school policy of no jewellery except if its religious of course. So I came in wearing a necklace with a rose quartz, I immediately gt told to take it off, got threatened with over a weeks worth of detention. But of course I hit back with but it was a healing crystal, that it’s spirituality and they can’t make me remove it, I won that one.

But then I started mixing with the wrong crowd. Starting going to underage parties where everyone was binge drinking and everyone thought they were cool. I always drank slowly, I never liked the feeling of being drunk, so when everyone else was pissed around me, I got to be the cool half sober one. But then I discovered weed, and I instantly fell in love with the feeling. I loved smoking in general but weed is just a whole other level of bliss for me. But with the pot smoking came the horrible, crippling anxiety, so I smoked more to combat the anxiety. It was at this point when my mum decided she couldn’t handle me like that and took me to see a doctor.

I was 14, he diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Might I add my parents don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t even swear and there’s no history of mental disorders in my family that anyone knows about. From then on I would spend a hard road up until now trying a whole bunch of different medications, seeing many psychologists and psychiatrists and getting a few different diagnosis. I managed to get labelled with Bipolar Type II because of a severe reaction I had to a medication, but it was drug induced in my opinion as most doctors don’t like dealing with Borderline as because its not a mental disorder, it’s a personality disorder, that means that there’s no medication that specifically treats it like you can for bipolar or schizophrenia. So I was like a human test dummy for pills because I didn’t get along with therapists and I wanted a quick solution. Here’s a list of characterizations of the disorder, and I say disorder because it wasn’t a sickness;

  • Extreme reactions to perceived abandonment
  • A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
  • Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
  • Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
  • Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
  • Difficulty in understanding or relating to other people

I got on to harder drugs, my favourite being LSD. That drug made me feel like I understood everyone and everything and that the world was beautiful and it made sense. I was never a fan of amphetamines as it heightened reality it didn’t change it. I am a tripper, I hated reality so much I felt safer in a delusional world created by hallucinogenic drugs. The reality of that though is that weed is pretty well the worst thing yo can do when you have my problem. Weed drags out any underlying mental condition you have and forces it to the surface so yo have to keep continuously fighting it as soon as the high fades. You’re so desperate to not feel that you keep smoking, but then you build up an immunity and it’s no longer getting high, it’s surviving.

Life was like a big, never ending cycle for me. Because there would be times I wanted so badly to pull myself out of how I was feeling, and I’d make positive starts only to fall back in a heap from something trivial. I would lose all the people that attempted to get close to me, I would constantly jeopardize myself before things had a chance to go wrong because I expected it to go wrong always.

I’ve been off hard drugs for 5 years now, struggling on and off with the weed habit. It’s really hard because I have to view it the same way an alcoholic views their addiction. Because there isn’t really a moderation with me, it’s either all or nothing. I am incredibly impulsive and self control has always been an issue, not just with drugs but with everything. Time and responsibility has been the only cure for that.

The worst part of Borderline is the confusion, the lack of understanding of everyone else, the lack of understanding who you actually are. Because you could think you’re into something one day but you’re over it the next day. Not being able to see all the variants. Only able to see black and white, that’s the best way I can describe it. Because I feel so strongly about things it’s really hard for me to understand how someone can disagree. Not knowing what other people think of you so the only conclusion you can come to in your head is that they hate you. Needing the constant reassurance that I’m doing ok, I’m a good person, I’m likable.

Time is the best healer. As I’ve gotten older it’s become easier. I’m 24 now, I only just lost a job and I’m scared that my life will come apart again, but I know the key now, and it’s to not think about that. I live life on an hour to hour basis, I don’t think ahead, I can’t, if I do I might psych myself out. My main goal is not to find happiness, it’s to find the in between. Everyone takes stability for granted, whereas I have to work to stay on that level. I’m still learning to accept that others have different thoughts and feelings and that I don’t need everyone to like me to feel validated. I’m still learning to see the colours.

I think there’s awareness for BDP and other mental disorders. This is not a post to say this is important, spread the word. I think there’s a lot more significant things like cancer and child abuse and other shit that needs more awareness and understanding then this. The aim of this post is I just wanted to share why some of the other posts I make (though I haven’t made them yet) are probably going to be a bit intense or a bit black and white. I would like to be understood yes, but that’s not anyone elses problem but mine. It’s more I want to hear the other points but don’t get to angry with me if I don’t understand, just recognize that sometimes I won’t be able to understand.

And to those with BPD, you’re not alone, time will heal you but I do not believe its best to mix with others like us. We’re kind of like little bombs and anyone with the disorder knows the trigger for them. Hour by hour.

I hope I see the colours some day, maybe then I’ll understand why everyone keeps saying life is beautiful.

50 Shades of CENSORSHIP

This is the one argument that I  keep coming back to. There are so many debates I have such strong opinions about, most of them are a lot more relevant then this topic but I feel that out of all of them, this one I’m the most passionate about. I’m most passionate about this issue because I feel like this shouldn’t even be a debate, like it’s back tracking on all the progress that’s been made towards anti-censorship.

For anyone who has not read the book or seen the movie, I’m completely jealous of the fact you’re so blissfully unaware or I’m proud that you haven’t fed into the hype of this subject, but I guess for the purpose of this rant I mean ‘relevant passionate opinion’ I better tell you a brief synopsis. I am going to extract something from an unbiased source, just so you understand the intention of the author over the interpretations of the 50 shades of abuse people. (Ok, it’s virtually impossible to find an unbiased source on this subject, so here’s a brief extract in amongst the strong heated opinions)

Fifty Shades of Grey is the story of a college student, Anastasia, who begins a relationship with a 27 year old very successful and powerful businessman, Christian Grey, after interviewing him for her college newspaper. Ana loses her virginity to Christian, and he wants her to sign a non-disclosure agreement and a contract that keeps their relationship purely sexual and defines how their relationship as one of “dominance and submission. The novel plays on tension over the nature of their relationship and the possibility of romance and love as well as Ana’s sexual explorations.

By the way I have read the book but have not seen the film, nor did I bother to or read any other book in the trilogy. May I also note that this was written as fan-fiction to Twilight, I mean, come on, doesn’t that speak for itself? My honest opinion of the book is that it was a poorly written, over-sexed piece of shit excuse for adult literature. I think it’s pretty pathetic that it gained any sort of positive recognition in general let alone a franchise.

But it has, and yes it sucks but really, the book to blame here is Twilight, 50 Shades was just an extreme example of what spawns from the minds of desperate women who idolize crappy romance novels. It almost seems like one of those embarrassing fantasies that she happened to write down that wasn’t meant to be seen by the public and her jerk friend decided to steal the writing and send it into a publishing company and boom, instant publicity.

But if you read any romance novel, they’re kind of all pathetic like that in their own way. I don’t have anything against anyone that enjoys the romance genre, book or movie, I just don’t like it. I think the romance genre in general gives a false sense of what a healthy, realistic relationship is meant to be. But who the fuck reads fiction for realism? Might I remind everyone that 50 shades is fucking FICTION, you aren’t meant to take it fucking literally!

It’s not this book that scares me, it’s the reactions from intelligent females that feel so strongly against it. Just because you don’t like something does not give you the right to boycott it! And then there’s the opinions of the BDSM groups that have come out of the greasy shadows to get some sense moral high ground on the subject. Are you fucking kidding me? You make porn, what the hell right have you got to bitch about the supposed ‘bad name’ this book is giving you. Porn in general has a bad name. Porn has always been exploitation of women for the sole purpose of men getting off. Isn’t it sad that everything is so PC now that even the dirtiest of porn has to be about ‘love’ and ‘trust’. I don’t know about any of you but that’s not the reason I watch porn (and yeah I don’t have any issues with porn as it is what it is). Those two words are the last thing I want to hear about when I’m watching people do that shit to each other, that isn’t a turn on. It’s the same reason people watch porn, because nothing about it is realistic, porn is fantasy. If you don’t like it then don’t watch it but for fucks sake don’t censor it just because you disagree with it.

People keep missing the main point of the story too, when they talk about the abuse of it, and how she didn’t know any better and wasn’t explained the rules properly. She signed a fucking contract, who signs a contract without reading the fine print first! Actually in general, who signs a contract about dominance and submission without knowing what that actually entails! The thing about contracts is that it usually says everything in the fine print, it’s just that people are too lazy to read it and that’s kind of your own fault. Morale of the story, don’t sign contracts you don’t understand and aren’t prepared to research first.

What makes me even more sad is that these 50 shades of abuse people clearly think that women everywhere are fucking stupid. That everyone that disagrees with them are fucking stupid, or we hate women. Lets get one thing straight.

I AM NOT ANTI-FEMINISM, I AM ANTI CENSORSHIP!

Are we going to go back to the good old days where we burn all the books in a big book burning ceremony? The thought makes me shudder. Even the shittiest of books and ideas doesn’t deserve that. The world is never going to be what people want it to be, there are just too many differences of opinion on how the world should work. If you start censoring one thing, then everyone has the right to censor what they want to censor then there goes our freedom of speech.

You may think I’m being dramatic, but I think wanting to boycott a book/movie is far more dramatic because people think that a book is going to influence the way girls perceive a healthy relationship. This book has not made an impact of how terrible young girls self esteems are. This book is not going to change the way relationships work. Feminism has come a long way and because of those brave women we do have a chance to be treated as equal in this world. I agree, it’s not quite there yet but it’s a lot better then what it was 50 years ago. I also agree that that’s a pretty weak argument but banning a franchise is not going to help either. Education was and always will be the key to making a difference.

I’ve been told that I don’t understand the difference between censorship and a boycott. For the record, I understand that boycotting something is not censoring it, it’s just encouraging people in an intimidating manner to agree with their opinion and refuse to do something like read the book or watch the movie… Because that doesn’t sound just as fucked up…

Censorship is wrong. Censorship is ruining it for everyone else just because you’re too lazy to educate your kids about the importance of your own morals. Censorship is forcing your own opinion on someone that has a different opinion to you. Censorship is evil and wrong. By all means, disagree with something, I hate a lot of things too, but don’t force people to agree with you. Write about it, blog about, bitch about but don’t ever tell me what I should and should not read. Oh, and stop making people who actually enjoy the book feel like martyrs that don’t support women’s rights!