My Life In Black & White

I’m not usually one to share too much of my emotional issues, anymore. I’m still technically learning what’s appropriate and what’s not in a social norm. It’s just, the thing is, I think most are going to find my opinions on here, intense in the one direction. And I do want to explain why, because I think I can now without being so outwardly aggressive (even though I never realized when I was being that way). Of course I’m writing this for some attention, anyone who writes anything is doing that, but not in the way I used to seek it, that probably doesn’t make any sense. So I guess I’ll give a basic rundown of my life so it makes more sense:

In primary school I was a very picked on kid, I don’t know whether it was because kids can sense weakness or weirdness but anyway, that’s what was happening. But now I look back on it, a lot of it could’ve all been in my head, I was incredibly hypersensitive with a huge sense of everyone hates me, even from the youngest age. There were a few friends I did make sometimes, but I always felt that they weren’t really including me, again, that could’ve been all in my head also. I was very quiet, I did what I was told, I didn’t break the rules. I always thought I was older then my peers, mentally older, I couldn’t relate to them and to this day I still can’t. Grade 6 camp, while everyone was doing their little dances to pop songs and whatever, I was memorizing Monty Python sketches and reciting them line for line. I grew up as an only child, I had 3 older brothers that were my mums not my fathers, but they didn’t live with us as they were all over 20 by the time I was 8. As you can clearly tell my parents weren’t young, my mum was 40 when she had me so maybe that’s why I had a heightened sense of maturity. Apparently I was the perfect text book child, I reached my milestones at all the times I child-rearing book would say I would, I would only cry if I needed something. I didn’t test the boundaries when I was under 12, I knew where they were and what would happen if I crossed them, from my observations of every other child in before and after school care.

When I was 11 something terrible happened to me. For my own sanity I’m not going to discuss it, sexual assault is rough and I’ve spent years burying the pain, burying, not repressing. The last year of primary school was very quiet for me, all I did was read and write, I got left alone, it’s almost as if kids were intimidated by me .So by the time I hit 13, I went fucking mental.

I was the exact opposite of what I was, I left my parents in ruins, they had no idea what the fuck happened to their little girl. I did everything I got told not to do, I started smoking cigarettes, getting into terrible relationships with horrible teenage boys that used and abused. I blatantly refused to do sport at high school, argued about it not helping me academically, that they didn’t support the arts in the same way, everything you could think of to argue why sport was bad. I wanted to win, I wanted to fight authority. There was another instance where I knew there was a school policy of no jewellery except if its religious of course. So I came in wearing a necklace with a rose quartz, I immediately gt told to take it off, got threatened with over a weeks worth of detention. But of course I hit back with but it was a healing crystal, that it’s spirituality and they can’t make me remove it, I won that one.

But then I started mixing with the wrong crowd. Starting going to underage parties where everyone was binge drinking and everyone thought they were cool. I always drank slowly, I never liked the feeling of being drunk, so when everyone else was pissed around me, I got to be the cool half sober one. But then I discovered weed, and I instantly fell in love with the feeling. I loved smoking in general but weed is just a whole other level of bliss for me. But with the pot smoking came the horrible, crippling anxiety, so I smoked more to combat the anxiety. It was at this point when my mum decided she couldn’t handle me like that and took me to see a doctor.

I was 14, he diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Might I add my parents don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t even swear and there’s no history of mental disorders in my family that anyone knows about. From then on I would spend a hard road up until now trying a whole bunch of different medications, seeing many psychologists and psychiatrists and getting a few different diagnosis. I managed to get labelled with Bipolar Type II because of a severe reaction I had to a medication, but it was drug induced in my opinion as most doctors don’t like dealing with Borderline as because its not a mental disorder, it’s a personality disorder, that means that there’s no medication that specifically treats it like you can for bipolar or schizophrenia. So I was like a human test dummy for pills because I didn’t get along with therapists and I wanted a quick solution. Here’s a list of characterizations of the disorder, and I say disorder because it wasn’t a sickness;

  • Extreme reactions to perceived abandonment
  • A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
  • Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)
  • Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating
  • Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
  • Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom
  • Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
  • Difficulty in understanding or relating to other people

I got on to harder drugs, my favourite being LSD. That drug made me feel like I understood everyone and everything and that the world was beautiful and it made sense. I was never a fan of amphetamines as it heightened reality it didn’t change it. I am a tripper, I hated reality so much I felt safer in a delusional world created by hallucinogenic drugs. The reality of that though is that weed is pretty well the worst thing yo can do when you have my problem. Weed drags out any underlying mental condition you have and forces it to the surface so yo have to keep continuously fighting it as soon as the high fades. You’re so desperate to not feel that you keep smoking, but then you build up an immunity and it’s no longer getting high, it’s surviving.

Life was like a big, never ending cycle for me. Because there would be times I wanted so badly to pull myself out of how I was feeling, and I’d make positive starts only to fall back in a heap from something trivial. I would lose all the people that attempted to get close to me, I would constantly jeopardize myself before things had a chance to go wrong because I expected it to go wrong always.

I’ve been off hard drugs for 5 years now, struggling on and off with the weed habit. It’s really hard because I have to view it the same way an alcoholic views their addiction. Because there isn’t really a moderation with me, it’s either all or nothing. I am incredibly impulsive and self control has always been an issue, not just with drugs but with everything. Time and responsibility has been the only cure for that.

The worst part of Borderline is the confusion, the lack of understanding of everyone else, the lack of understanding who you actually are. Because you could think you’re into something one day but you’re over it the next day. Not being able to see all the variants. Only able to see black and white, that’s the best way I can describe it. Because I feel so strongly about things it’s really hard for me to understand how someone can disagree. Not knowing what other people think of you so the only conclusion you can come to in your head is that they hate you. Needing the constant reassurance that I’m doing ok, I’m a good person, I’m likable.

Time is the best healer. As I’ve gotten older it’s become easier. I’m 24 now, I only just lost a job and I’m scared that my life will come apart again, but I know the key now, and it’s to not think about that. I live life on an hour to hour basis, I don’t think ahead, I can’t, if I do I might psych myself out. My main goal is not to find happiness, it’s to find the in between. Everyone takes stability for granted, whereas I have to work to stay on that level. I’m still learning to accept that others have different thoughts and feelings and that I don’t need everyone to like me to feel validated. I’m still learning to see the colours.

I think there’s awareness for BDP and other mental disorders. This is not a post to say this is important, spread the word. I think there’s a lot more significant things like cancer and child abuse and other shit that needs more awareness and understanding then this. The aim of this post is I just wanted to share why some of the other posts I make (though I haven’t made them yet) are probably going to be a bit intense or a bit black and white. I would like to be understood yes, but that’s not anyone elses problem but mine. It’s more I want to hear the other points but don’t get to angry with me if I don’t understand, just recognize that sometimes I won’t be able to understand.

And to those with BPD, you’re not alone, time will heal you but I do not believe its best to mix with others like us. We’re kind of like little bombs and anyone with the disorder knows the trigger for them. Hour by hour.

I hope I see the colours some day, maybe then I’ll understand why everyone keeps saying life is beautiful.

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4 thoughts on “My Life In Black & White

  1. You’re on the path, and just need to trust in that. Everyone finds themselves in different ways. Your experiences with LSD, alcohol, and other drugs wasn’t a bad thing. It opened you up to realities some people never get to experience.

    Like you said yourself, you’re finding it easier with age. This is because you are growing and evolving. It doesn’t need to happen all at once! A thousand little steps and you’ll find you’ve gone a great distance.

    Just keep your head up. You’ll get there, I promise!

    ~ MG

    Like

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