Today I Lost Myself

This is not something that I ever thought I would do. I’m going to post today’s extract of the book I write in when I’m in an uncontrollable state of emotion. I’m doing it in hopes that I may find some people that understand the way I feel. There are no pictures I can put to this post, not really anything to draw anyone in, and I feel slightly anxious that I might get a bad response, or the most likely case no response at all. But just know, that this writing comes straight from my soul, from the very centre of my emotion. I have a tonne of writing books everywhere because I love writing, organising, making lists and stuff. But I also have them around for when the feeling is so strong I can’t calm myself down. Writing calms me down, it’s basically just me having a conversation with the only person that truly gets me. So if by the rare chance this gets some views, I hope that someone like me gets something out of it. This was written when my brother told me I couldn’t do the job he’s doing because I wasn’t suited to it, this is me reacting which isn’t really an entirely normal response, so try not to judge to harshly:

Am I really back to the beginning again already? I don’t know whether what I feel is real or not all over again. I don’t know whether my recent months of stability was real or just an illusion I was hiding in. It all hurts so much right now, it feels like everything is against me right now. Is that feeling even real, or is it just irrationality? Because if it is then I really am that stupid, and everyone else is right and I am wrong.

When most people comfort other people, they usually agree with and can justify why that person is upset. They can offer understanding and in turn understand how they can be supportive. The same can’t be said for me though, as no one understands why I react to things the way I do. So in turn I get told that I’m wrong, I’m being silly, I’m over reacting, it doesn’t make sense why I feel that way. The thing is though, it does make sense in my head. But when I’m so caught up in emotion I can’t articulate in words out of my mouth. It just sounds like a big steaming pile of aggressive shit to whoever I’m trying to communicate my point across to.

9 out of 10 times when I’m upset, according to everyone else, I’m over-reacting, being oversensitive or reading something negative into what someone has said when it wasn’t meant to be. Do you know how hard it is not to feel stupid when 9 out of 10 times you’re told what you’re feeling is wrong in something you so intensely feel but then get told you’re not stupid for feeling that way in the very same conversation of them telling you that what you think is wrong?

And then I think that people dumb themselves down to try and not sound so harsh to me. If someone knows that someone else is emotionally unstable, don’t you think they’d use the least harshest of words possible to get their point across so as to not light the fuse, so to speak. So would it be so much of a huge jump to think that maybe because you’re so emotionally immature then your intelligence level is probably in the same place. So is it that unreasonable to assume that people think I’m stupid when they talk to me and I sense that they seem slightly patronising? But that’s just me reading the worst out of people I guess…

Not that I can truly read people as I’d like to think I can (my emotions fluctuate way too much for that) but fuck me, I can be read like a book. It’s a pity that they couldn’t read my brain patterns and understand where my thoughts are coming from. It’s the loneliest feeling in he world, knowing why you feel the way you do, but having no one else that understands why you feel that way. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world knowing that the only person who will ever understand me is me, and that the only way I’m not going to feel stupid or wrong is to keep it locked away and not ever share it. Because the moment I do, they all tell me that what I feel is wrong.

I know that I’m having a moment, that I may feel this way tomorrow but probably no longer then that. For the record I AM the only one that truly knows me. I know that it’s still just a cycle for me, and as the years have passed I’ve gradually learnt to deal with it better. But it happening now, after months of stability, is like falling in a deep dark hole, can’t see the top and have forgotten how to climb.

When someone tells me I can’t do something (whether it be because of personality, intelligence or physical capacity) it reminds me of how wrong I am, what I’ve tried and failed, that everyone knows what’s best for me still. In my head, he took away my power, and made me realise the reality for where I am in my life right now. I know in my head that it’s pretty unrealistic I’d like programming let alone be able to understand it, but I don’t like the thought that I’m that simple minded that someone can just tell me straight out, no other questions, you can’t do it. Especially when the person who gave you such a blatant, non encouraging response is your brother who you’ve admired your whole life. If that isn’t understandable to anyone else then fine. But this is all leading towards my shutting down emotionally from everyone entirely. The sad thing is, people will prefer me better that way anyway…


I Like Bruce Campbell

Ok, so I thought it would be really difficult for me to write about something I liked but when the subject is one of the most awesome actors in horror history, turns it’s pretty easy.

happy ash

I like horror. I like horror movies, horror books. It’s not so much for the scare of it, although I do like the adrenaline (which I get out of books a lot easier then movies) it’s because of how visually entertaining it is. Zombies, demons, creepy ghosts, unsettling body twisting and gore. Huge amounts of over the top gore. I am one of those people who loved the Saw saga (except for the last one as it was just shit) because of all the ways they fucked up those people. I don’t really watch these movies for a plot, I only watch it for the sheer entertainment of stupid people getting dead.

I ¬†guess that’s my one violent vice, and I think all normal, functioning people have one. Something that releases the aggression that the human race has unfortunately evolved with. Whether it’s video games or something along those lines. I just like watching people get themselves into unrealistic situations with the supernatural. I love B Grade horrors because of how ridiculous the gore is, how silly the plot and how terrible the actors are. There’s something about this combination that just does it for me. Probably because I have no guilt when I laugh at the deaths of these people. But there’s a big difference between B Grade horror and horror-comedy. I’m not really a fan of the latter, except in the case of Troma films, they are the only movie company that understands the true meaning of comedy in B Grade. Japan also has a way of embodying everything B Grade and doing it in a truly original way. Man, Japan has some messed up minds over there, I will totally have to blog about some brilliant Japanese Gore films. America on the other hand don’t really have much of a clue nowadays about how to make a good B Grade horror, or good Horror movie in general, because I do like good horror aswell, there’s just not really much of it. But America used to be good at it, back in the 70s, 80s and early 90s and this is where Bruce comes in to it.

the evil dead

This movie changed my life… Well, maybe not changed but it opened up my mind to the genre. This is, hands down, my favourite horror movie of all time. The first time I saw it was when I was about 10 years old. I was staying at my brothers place (who had a huge influence on me, introduced me to Troma and all the Japanese stuff, punk music, he was my hero), I was challenging him, bragging that I wasn’t scared of anything, so he decided to put this movie on. I should mention though I was 10, the goosebumps series was about the only thing close to horror that I’d ever seen, and my mum wouldn’t let me watch an M rated movie by this stage let alone something rated R. Holy fuck. To say I was scared was an understatement. I was fucking shitting myself. I was up the whole night after that, couldn’t sleep, even went as far as from that point on I slept with a lamp on up until 14. This movie basically traumatized me… and all I wanted to do was watch more movies like it.

By now you’d be thinking, what the fuck is wrong with this kid? So many things were wrong with me, you should refer back to my previous blog. Anyway, from that point onwards I spent my times hiring M rated horror films from the video library (as I couldn’t watch anything with a higher rating because mum) and being completely unfulfilled by them as there was never any gore, whilst staying at my bothers place every few months and watching all the things I wasn’t allowed to watch.

But back to the Evil Dead. Bruce Campbell makes this movie. Before I had a concept of good and bad acting, all I thought was Ash is the ultimate hero, badarse and survivor. Watching Evil Dead now always brings me such joy because I still remember the effect it had on me as a kid, but I can also view it as it was intended to be viewed. This was a movie that was made with the honest intentions of being a scary horror, but I think Sam Raimi realised how fucking silly it was, and how terrible an actor Bruce was that they over did it so much it was an instant cult classic. But it was so good, and original. A group of people go stay in a cabin deep in the woods, find a demon book called The Necronomicon and a tape recorder with an old explorer reading some passages from it. That unleashes an ancient evil that manifests itself as the camera angle coming straight for you really fast and it just wants everyone dead, because, you know, demons and shit. It also turns people into deadites, but there’s not really and rhyme or reason to the people that turn, it just never seems to get Ash. I mean deadites are demons that look very zombie like, they’ll possess you whether you’re dead or alive, and you can’t just kill them by dismembering the brain from the body as you do with zombies. No, no, no, you have to chop them up into little pieces so that none of it can come back and fuck you up. Then there’s the famous tree raping a girl scene. Does it make sense to the plot? Well, I guess so, everyone seems to think that the evil is out in the woods so I guess it makes sense. The movie in general didn’t quite flow together properly, just like the ending of the first didn’t really flow to the second film.

The second one was silliness, they were clearly in no way taking anything seriously at this stage. Bruce Campbells one liners were so good, his over dramatised acting was even better. The struggle for Ash is real in this one, with 10 minutes worth of him fighting his own possessed hand, which he then chops off with a chainsaw, which he replaces his hand with later on in the film. It then ends with him and his car being whisked off to 1300 AD to go fight the deadites because that’s what the prophecy said. How this even makes sense I don’t think is explained in Army of Darkness.

I watched the first episode of Ash vs Evil Dead last night, I laughed a lot. It’s shaping up to be just as silly as the originals, with references made to the original at every point they could. I am so happy they made this series, its like Sam Raimi wanted to make it up to the fans for his awful decision of letting Hollywood remake Evil Dead

. Doofy Bruce

This is the look I had on my face when I heard about the remake. I have purposely not watched it or a single trailer about it in fear of it shitting all over my memories. What a terrible thing to do to a classic. I can’t think of a worse fate for any classic horror movie. Yes, I’m also implying that I hate, I despise, I detest Rob Zombie for remaking, no sorry, destroying Halloween. I’m going to leave it as that because that is a rant for another day.

Anyway, I don’t know what to say to conclude this blog other then I like Bruce Campbell and Ash vs Evil Dead is looking like a good show. Oh, and here’s some more cool Ash pics.

Stay Groovy.

Army of Darkness