This is not something that I ever thought I would do. I’m going to post today’s extract of the book I write in when I’m in an uncontrollable state of emotion. I’m doing it in hopes that I may find some people that understand the way I feel. There are no pictures I can put to this post, not really anything to draw anyone in, and I feel slightly anxious that I might get a bad response, or the most likely case no response at all. But just know, that this writing comes straight from my soul, from the very centre of my emotion. I have a tonne of writing books everywhere because I love writing, organising, making lists and stuff. But I also have them around for when the feeling is so strong I can’t calm myself down. Writing calms me down, it’s basically just me having a conversation with the only person that truly gets me. So if by the rare chance this gets some views, I hope that someone like me gets something out of it. This was written when my brother told me I couldn’t do the job he’s doing because I wasn’t suited to it, this is me reacting which isn’t really an entirely normal response, so try not to judge to harshly:
Am I really back to the beginning again already? I don’t know whether what I feel is real or not all over again. I don’t know whether my recent months of stability was real or just an illusion I was hiding in. It all hurts so much right now, it feels like everything is against me right now. Is that feeling even real, or is it just irrationality? Because if it is then I really am that stupid, and everyone else is right and I am wrong.
When most people comfort other people, they usually agree with and can justify why that person is upset. They can offer understanding and in turn understand how they can be supportive. The same can’t be said for me though, as no one understands why I react to things the way I do. So in turn I get told that I’m wrong, I’m being silly, I’m over reacting, it doesn’t make sense why I feel that way. The thing is though, it does make sense in my head. But when I’m so caught up in emotion I can’t articulate in words out of my mouth. It just sounds like a big steaming pile of aggressive shit to whoever I’m trying to communicate my point across to.
9 out of 10 times when I’m upset, according to everyone else, I’m over-reacting, being oversensitive or reading something negative into what someone has said when it wasn’t meant to be. Do you know how hard it is not to feel stupid when 9 out of 10 times you’re told what you’re feeling is wrong in something you so intensely feel but then get told you’re not stupid for feeling that way in the very same conversation of them telling you that what you think is wrong?
And then I think that people dumb themselves down to try and not sound so harsh to me. If someone knows that someone else is emotionally unstable, don’t you think they’d use the least harshest of words possible to get their point across so as to not light the fuse, so to speak. So would it be so much of a huge jump to think that maybe because you’re so emotionally immature then your intelligence level is probably in the same place. So is it that unreasonable to assume that people think I’m stupid when they talk to me and I sense that they seem slightly patronising? But that’s just me reading the worst out of people I guess…
Not that I can truly read people as I’d like to think I can (my emotions fluctuate way too much for that) but fuck me, I can be read like a book. It’s a pity that they couldn’t read my brain patterns and understand where my thoughts are coming from. It’s the loneliest feeling in he world, knowing why you feel the way you do, but having no one else that understands why you feel that way. It’s the loneliest feeling in the world knowing that the only person who will ever understand me is me, and that the only way I’m not going to feel stupid or wrong is to keep it locked away and not ever share it. Because the moment I do, they all tell me that what I feel is wrong.
I know that I’m having a moment, that I may feel this way tomorrow but probably no longer then that. For the record I AM the only one that truly knows me. I know that it’s still just a cycle for me, and as the years have passed I’ve gradually learnt to deal with it better. But it happening now, after months of stability, is like falling in a deep dark hole, can’t see the top and have forgotten how to climb.
When someone tells me I can’t do something (whether it be because of personality, intelligence or physical capacity) it reminds me of how wrong I am, what I’ve tried and failed, that everyone knows what’s best for me still. In my head, he took away my power, and made me realise the reality for where I am in my life right now. I know in my head that it’s pretty unrealistic I’d like programming let alone be able to understand it, but I don’t like the thought that I’m that simple minded that someone can just tell me straight out, no other questions, you can’t do it. Especially when the person who gave you such a blatant, non encouraging response is your brother who you’ve admired your whole life. If that isn’t understandable to anyone else then fine. But this is all leading towards my shutting down emotionally from everyone entirely. The sad thing is, people will prefer me better that way anyway…