For You, From A Friend

I’m only 24, in all reality I haven’t even lived long enough to warrant spouting wisdom. Every time I go on here I see the pain of the members from this tribe, I see the struggles, the heartache. I wish I could help each and every one of you. I wish I could take away your pain and put you in a place in your head where it feels safe and comforting. Writing really is a gateway to the soul. I’ve seen so many beautiful writing styles that helps me to understand the person behind the words, even though I’ve never met any of you. This post is for all of you.

Depending on how you feel at the time, this post could anger you, but I hope that’ll you’ll see that I’m coming from a place of care. I’m not a priest or a preacher, I’m not a saint. I’m also young and inexperienced. I am human that has walked my own unique path of despair. As much as I may be able to understand and relate to some things that are blogged about, I cannot truly understand what each individual felt and experienced in that moment. I can only offer the support and insight that I take from my own experiences. At this point of my life I am stable. I may not have a job, I may be struggling financially but I am in control over my emotions. This post is just to share everything I told myself to get me to this point. Sure, medication and outside sources helped, but the true battle is the one you have to face within yourself.

I’ve seen a lot of psychs in the past, all the kinds, psychiatrists, psychologists, behavioural therapists, counsellors, social workers. Therapy never truly helped me, I’m in no way saying stop therapy it’s stupid! Please don’t stop therapy if you’re getting something out of it, it just didn’t work with me. I was always so desperately lonely, and I’ve always been empathetic, I am highly sensitive to any vibe people are giving off. Most of the time I’m reading into things too deeply and completely missing the mark on what people were feeling so I guess that never helped. For me therapy didn’t help because all I wanted was someone to listen and understand me, let me scream and rant, let me know that they cared. But paid professionals can’t care in the way I wanted them to. What I needed was a friend, someone I could spill everything too and have them care enough to listen, someone who would share it all with me. Social workers were better at showing care then a psychologist was, then psychiatrists were impossible to get attached to. So attached I became to certain people, people who couldn’t reiterate that sense of care that I truly needed. But then there were the opposite types. The ones you didn’t get attached to because they’d rather rip apart your mind piece by piece and stick it back in place where they think it should be. The ones that would stop me mid sentence to dismiss the thought tangent I was going on because it was ‘an unhealthy way to think’.

None of these therapists helped me. All the latter did was make me angry and ashamed of who I was as a person. There are only 2 types of therapists from what I’ve experienced. The ones that are truly in there because they care deeply and want to help people, very few and far beyond they are, these are the ones you want to find but they just unfortunately couldn’t help me for the reasons I explained. Then there are the other type, the control freaks who are there to have control over their patients because, well, the mentally ill are easier targets then all the ‘normal’ people in their real life. My aunt is one of these therapists. Yes, you read right, my aunt is a fucking counsellor, a gambling counsellor, who seems to think she’s more then qualified to understand EVERY problem from child abuse to substance abuse. Fuck, she even thinks she’s a doctor, telling my mother on Christmas day the pros and cons of her blood pressure medication! But to make it even worse she’s a God botherer and I’m not saying that everyone with faith is this, because they aren’t. A God botherer is someone who tells you you’re straight up going to hell because you’ve done drugs, had sex before marriage or any of the other bible bashing commandments you’ve broken. She is so fucking controlling she’s completely unbearable, but it’s worse when she jumps into ‘therapist mode’ which she likes to do to me every time I see her.

This is one of the major quotes I have to keep telling myself everytime I think of something bad I’ve only just experienced or experienced a fair while ago. Because there was a point when the only emotion I felt was anger. A lot of it stems from family too. You can’t give someone else that power, you just can’t. You are worth more then that, your sanity is worth more then that. You are not hurting that other person by being angry and sending them those angry thoughts, you are only fueling the fire within yourself. And as much as fire can get you through things, help you achieve, when it comes to just sitting alone with these thoughts, the fire burns, and it hurts. It’s destroying you from the inside, don’t let someone else do that to you.

In this past year I had to cut off a brother that was truly hurting me. A manipulative, poisonous person, it still hurts, because i still remember all the good times. It hurts because I’m cutting off a part of my life, forcing myself to forget all the pain he put me through. I’m not the only one doing this, mister also has to do this with his own mother. Because a major lesson I learned in life is just because they’re family, does not make them good people. Sometimes for the sake of your own sanity you just have to view them like you weren’t sharing the same blood. Mister coined the name of the tactic that we use, Stone Walling. We have a large stone wall around ourselves and the people that we don’t want in, don’t get in. We ignore everything, we turn our attention to something else, we block them out entirely like they don’t exist. If you truly want to hurt someone then the best way to do it is to give them nothing, I guarantee they will sit and stew on it and they will wonder. We do not use this tactic to gain enjoyment in the pain of others, we do it to preserve our persons. When you know that you have a giant stone wall around you that no one can penetrate unless YOU let them in, then you do feel safe. The feeling is real no matter how imaginary the wall is. And if you have people that you can’t just block out and you have to talk to, then imagine a layers of walls, let them in the first but they will never make it to nude, bare you.

Please, always remember this one. I am not saying don’t write about the hurt in your blog. I think to write about it is incredibly positive, blogging about it in a social place, leaving yourself raw and open foranyone to come along and attack you, that’s brave. Every single one of you has more courage, bravery and strength then anyone who thinks mental illness doesn’t exist has. Those people who refuse to accept the reality of others are weak. Those who lack empathy and compassion are weak. Because those who choose to help carry the burdens of someone else’s pain is a true hero. All of you are strong, all of you are brave, all of you are good people. You’ve just been afflicted with something that makes it 100 times more difficult to live. You are an inspiration for living, to those that are barely surviving. You have the ability to help others just through sharing your experience. Be the survivors of your illness, not the victims. Let your strength of person define you, not all the faults.

I’m writing this because I deeply care about everyone I’m subscribed to, commented on, seen comment. You’ve all given me a place to feel safe, a place of belonging. I’ve never had that before. You’ve all made an impact in my life, for the better, and I can’t thank you enough. Stay strong, cherish the good moments, survive through the worst but always remember that life is a wheel that never stops turning, one day you may be up, the next down or somewhere in between both. Life is about living for the times when you’re up.

I’m going to put lyrics down from the music Rent. To anyone that hasn’t seen it, see it. It’s amazing, all about over coming adversity, they’ve all had to face the challenges of poverty, drug abuse, homosexuality and Aids. It’s a truly courageous and beautiful musical that I hold close to my heart.

“The heart may freeze or it can burn, The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future, There is no past, Thank God this moments not the last

There’s only us, There’s only this. Forget regret – or life is yours to miss, No other road, No other way, No day but today

There’s only yes, Only tonight, We must let go, To know what is right, No other course, No other way, No day but today

I can’t control, My destiny, I trust my soul, My only hope, Is just to be

There’s only now, There’s only here, Give in to love, Or live in fear, No other path, No other way, No day but todaY

• No day but to today, Rent the Musical

Pokemon, Video Games & Me

As you all are probably aware now I’m a huge fan of Pokemon. Or, maybe some already figured that before the last post considering my gravatar image has me wearing a pikachu beanie. Whether you did or not I assume most wouldn’t really care anyway, it’s just a video game after all. To some they’re just video games, to others they’re life, escape outlets, happiness and addictions.

For me, Pokemon was the first game that really gave me joy and a sense of accomplishment. I’m gen Y so I grew up watching the series on Cheese TV (Australian early morning cartoon show) every morning before I went to school. My brother gave me my first gameboy colour when I was 4 along with my first Pokemon game, Red. Red shaped me as a person, my favourite colour is red, the starter Pokemon I always picked was Charmander because he was a fire type. I started associating myself with the fire element, red and fire were both things of passion, which I consider myself to be rather heavily.

Pokemon wasn’t the only video game I played though. I got my first PlayStation, the original fat one about a year later. I have 3 brothers, the one that gave me the gameboy was more of a fan of Nintendo then Sony (this was before Microsoft decided to have their go with the Xbox), he was also a bigger part of my life. My second brother was a fan of Sony’s PlayStation because it was cutting edge at the time so he was all about the ultra realism and awesome graphics, Nintendo was always about the story line of the game. Anyway, mum decided to listen to second brother and got me a PlayStation because he convinced her it would increase my hand-eye coordination skills. To be fair, it made me pretty quick, it did help me read but it in no way helped me catching balls in sport, not in the slightest, was still incredibly useless at that. I was playing games like Spyro the Dragon, Crash Bandicoot, Hercules and the ridiculously violent Tekken 2 which mum seemed to just over look the violence in because I was entertained by it. Although those games immersed me for a little while, they did not compare to the simple black and white graphics and gameplay of Pokemon Red. And every time I stayed at brothers house, I was much more excited to be playing the Nintendo 64 over the PlayStation.

Pokemon attracts me for a wide variety of reasons. Mainly it’s the collecting aspect of it. Gotta catch em all! That’s the slogan, and in the first game there was 151, technically. Secondly it was the training of your team, your cute little 6 Pokemon team. All the Pokemon had their different elements, some had 2 elements in one. Depending on what elements you Pokemon has its going to be really strong against some things and really weak against others. Your Pokemon also had stat’s, some had 2, 3 or no evolutions. You want to have a team that will be strong against everything you come across. Everything about Pokemon was high strategy gameplay, you had to think strategically. But of course, the TV show was always about love and friendship with your Pokemon, so they added that perk into the game itself. If you keep letting your Pokemon be poisoned and faint, or something else like paralysed ect then your Pokemon is going to start ignoring you, not listening to instructions. If you do all the right things and heal when they need it then you may get cool things happening like critical hits.

Pokemon helped me because I felt accomplished and I cared a lot for my Pokemon. I didn’t have friends in school, I was the unliked picked on kid. When I got home I just played Pokemon and felt the love off them, stupid as that sounds. It eased my loneliness, it immersed me in a different world, kind of like what books do but you get to physically interact with it instead. Or in the case of other games, you are the main character. The main protagonist, the hero. You’re the one saving princesses, kicking bad guy arses, collecting money, gems, apples (crash Bandicoot). The future of the story line, the character, is in your hands.

This is the coping mechanism used for most kids that I knew of in my generation. It was an interactive switch off from the world, a place to go where your only objective is doing whatever quest you need, where you as the hero is valued and important. I know that’s the feeling I got growing up when I turned on Pokemon. That game really shaped me, taught me a lot of good lessons too, treat every life form with respect, understand everyone’s story, bonds of love will always conquer evil, and lastly travel while you’re young. The main character is fucking 11 when they get thrown into the Pokemon world to start their adventure! I can still remember the excitement I felt when I first stood in prof Oaks lab, being asked which Pokemon I wanted to take on my journey. After you’ve played one game that question doesn’t have the same impact anymore:

Video game addictions are a very real thing though. World of Warcraft is like the equivalent of crack in the gaming world, not only do you spend a lot of money on it, you also spend a stupid amount of time it’s so fucking addictive. I know, I had a hard time weening myself off my wow addiction. Babies have died from their parents neglecting them to play wow. People have died from ignoring their body prompts like go to the toilet or drink some water or eat because of this game. I’m serious look it up. Amazing game though, it really is.

I was born in the generation where they were just starting to perfect console gaming, they were just figuring out how to move it from side scrolling to 3d. Most kids I see would rather play a mobile or ipad game over console, which is sad because those games are highly addicting money hungry apps that are about the developers making money off people, not providing real entertainment. On the other hand with things like the PS4, Xbox One and Wii U, gaming is as immersive as I’ve ever seen it.

I can’t wait to see them continuing to evolve. Because video games are not a bad thing, on the plus side they do improve your sensory perception, can improve your mental state, provide accomplishment, improve team building skills and cure boredom. If abused it can do the opposite of these things, but hey, everything’s fine in moderation right?

There’s no way of stopping the process of technology and evolution. May as well embrace it. 

Look, I did a Thing!

It’s been a couple of days since I last posted, I haven’t been very active on comments and such either. I’m sorry! I said in my About that my attention span is kind of short, and I ended up with Christmas presents that re-kindled the drawing phase.

Let’s get things straight though, I am NOT an artist, I never claimed in my life to be one, just like I claim that I am not a writer/blogger. Being an artist requires creativity and original thought, both of which I lack. I copy everything, I’m so cdo (like ocd but in alphabetical order as it should be) that I gained the ability to copy an image down to a fine point. I do not use tracing paper, I just have the original picture next to me and I copy it to the exact detail. There’s always a lot of erasing, a lot of sharpening my pencil to the point where it’s so sharp it can pierce skin and a lot of re doing the same line over 20 times.

I was always cdo with colouring since I was 3 years old, I didn’t like drawing my own kiddy stick figure drawings, I liked colouring already drawn things, like in colouring books. My parents didn’t really allow me to be a child, would always correct my wrong pronunciation of words, would only praise me if I did something impressive. When I coloured I would prefer textas over pencils because I preferred bold colours, which I spent hours colouring between the lines. I was incredibly literal with the colours I chose too. If it were a cow I’d colour it in browns, a tree would be brown trunk green leaves, sky was blue, grass was green, you know realistic colours. In my first year of primary school I got time out for yelling at a child that they were colouring wrong because they were colouring a horse purple and also not really caring that they were going out of the lines. 

At 9 years old I was copying Simpson’s character faces. When I first started I would cry for hours because they didn’t look right. After weeks of trying to perfect Homer I got him decent enough for 9 year old me to be happy with. I always got the exact opposite responses off my parents. Mum would say it was brilliant no matter if I handed her a scribble or a da Vinci masterpiece. It used to shit me because it didn’t help me get better nor did it encourage me to think I was good. My dad on the other hand would just say I wasn’t that good and shouldn’t brag, basically. I don’t think he ever was impressed with me till I reached at least 14. As much as his responses hurt and depressed me, I knew that if I got some praise out of him then it meant I must of done well. In doing so though I’ve never really been truly happy with anything I’ve done. I’ll be impressed after I’ve initially done something sure, but give me a day and I’ll pick it apart piece by piece.

Jumping to only days past Christmas though and mum got me the things I told her to get me because I couldn’t afford them. Yay for her listening to me! I used both of the things she gave me to do the Pokemon picture featured. Since I haven’t drawn in a couple of years because I’ve been painting instead I needed something easy to get me into the swing of drawing again. It’s a completely different platform that’s for sure. I can’t erase lines on a canvas but I can paint over all my mistakes. Once I’m colouring with textas on paper, or fine lining however, if I fuck that up then I’ve fucked up and can’t fix it. I can’t shade properly with paint but then again I never could figure out how to do it with pencil either. I am all about my hard lines and bold colours, that’s why I’m attracted to cartoons. I’ve been told I have a surgeons hand, I can quickly and efficiently draw a line without needing to shade, I’m also accurate at keeping a line straight. The way I draw is incredibly mechanical, nothing about my personality is arty farty, I’m dead serious expression in everything I do. I’ve been urged by a few to do tattooing but again that involves having an imagination which I just do not possess.

Anyway, here’s the first thing I got off mum:

Watercolour fucking Derwent pencils 72 of the things! This is not a cheap set of pencils. And I know there’s probably heaps out there that are like oh my gerd there’s like totally better brands of pencils out there, but to them I say, fuck you man, Derwents have always been the top of the line for me. Granted, my parents got me my first set of the same thing at 7, I apparently showed potential at being amazing at art, they thought I was a child star so they got me top of the line pencils. The thing is for one I didn’t particularly like colouring with pencils because they didn’t give a bold enough colour and two, I had no idea what the difference was between just pencils, and watercolour pencils. You don’t either? Well I’ll show you!

This is the before shot of me just colouring it in with the pencils first:

Notice how it looks like it’s been coloured in with pencils, duh. That’s what normal pencils do. But this second shot is after I paint over it with water:

You may not be able to notice much difference but it’s definitely there! With just the addition of water, it makes it all blendy and smooth (notice I can’t explain shit properly, hence not an artist). Normal pencils don’t go all blendy and cool, only watercolours can.

Obviously the Pokemon title itself was not done by the Derwents, that was done with my textas of choice which I’ve always used from the earliest age of 3:

These are connector pens, they are aimed at children because they’re like Lego textas, you can stick their lids together and make guns and shit! It’s such a childish thing, and believe me, the kids at school all wanted these because of the Lego factor. But these textas are hands down the best textas you can get, that are obviously not artist standard. Not only is the colour consistent if you colour in the same direction but they last for agessss. I lost a lid for one for a couple of days and the fucker was still working just as well! Plus when I was a kid, there used to be like 72 colours, now the highest you get is a lame 45 colours.

I remember walking into an art shop with Mister, like a full on ladi da type expensive art shop. We were there to get charcoal pencils and such for mister, coz he’s a proper artist, like can copy photos of faces and shit and draws his own stuff and can shade and shit. We were discussing art supplies with the chick at the counter and I said I used connector pens to colour in. She gave me this pansy arse scoff giggle and just ignored me whilst continuing to flirt with Mister. She thought I was a joke for using kids products to make art, well…

FUCK YOU BITCH, I CAN MAKE FINE PIECES WITHOUT YOUR EXPENSIVE ARTIST GRADE BULLSHIT!

I also failed art in school, go figure.

 

 

 

 

Merry F****** Christmas

It’s Christmas Eve and will probably be the last post I make till maybe boxing day or something because I have to do the family thing and won’t get time to write anything.

I just thought, considering how religious this holiday is, I’d put up a song from South Park. That sounds really bad doesn’t it? I hope no one gets too offended by it, it’s just that it encompasses a lot of what our holiday is about. Am I digging myself a hole here? As much as South Park was all about being offensive back in the day (not anymore everything’s so PG) it was also about acceptance through humor. Trey Parker was Catholic and Matt Stone was Jewish (might be the other way around I can’t be fucked fact checking) they always mocked and made fun of both religions aswell as other things to prove a point to everyone. That was the main reason I loved South Park, because they made fun of everything, nothing was a taboo subject for them.

One thing I can’t stand is the hypocrisy of some who say, and I’m giving examples here, laugh at black jokes but get butthurt at cripple jokes. You can’t just say one offensive thing is ok to laugh at but not the other. If you’re one of those people who just don’t like any offensive joke then ok, but geez come on it’s all just out of jest. It’s either all ok or all not ok, and I’d rather live in a world with the first option because I hate censorship, I’m pretty sure I’ve made this clear in a few of my other posts.

I also have to make my religious stance clear, not that it honestly matters. I’m agnostic, not religious but not atheist either. I think it’s just as ignorant to say there is no god because of lack of proof because there’s no evidence that God is not real, in the same token as there’s no evidence that he is, if that makes sense. I believe in respecting others beliefs. I find it frustrating sometimes when religion can be so hateful and cruel, I don’t agree with the wars that have been started in the name of God, but I also believe that it’s not my place to judge, I don’t know what people with faith feel maybe its real enough to fight over? I just choose not to follow, I also don’t like feeling forced into being part of someone else’s opinion, I don’t force my opinion of religion upon anyone so I expect the same respect. If I have door-knockers, I don’t go ape shit, I engage them in debates because if you knock on my door, then you get to hear my opinion too.

So how do I feel when it comes to the true meaning of Christmas, as in the story of Jesus’s birth and the whole bit? I think that Christianity is a deeply ingrained aspect of our culture, even if you don’t agree it should still be respected as part of our western heritage. And if you look at other parts of the world, some aren’t nearly as lucky as us to have that same religious freedom. That in itself deserves to be celebrated.

So to everyone celebrating Christmas for whatever reason, may your day be peaceful and joyous.

Merry fucking Christmas!

Karma in My Favour

I made it through the Sunday/Monday combo with my mother, yay! No complaints about the house that we spent a few hours cleaning on Sunday night, so that was a win. Didn’t realise how bad her back has gotten now until we walked up to the hospital which is largely short easy walk, 15 minutes max. It took us double that because of how slow my mother walked and the fact we had to stop on numerous occasions because the pain got too much. This was even with me holding her large handbag. And don’t worry, no one was in hospital or anything, mum has worked in the hospital as a purchasing clerk for about 31 years. My mum’s an inch shorter then me so only 4’9″ with giant hips that already make her walking more like waddling, but it’s still not right when my normal pace was incredibly fast and I usually have to jog a tiny bit to keep up with the people with normal sized legs.

So we did that, the girls from the office came down, gave her a card, standard smelly handcreams, chocolate and a big bottle of grog. I used to catch the train from the station that’s close to the hospital to get to school so I’d go stupid early with mum in the morning, bum around the hospital for a while then head off to school. There was a Cafe in the hospital for both staff and patients and before school I would be sent down to get mum her cappuccino and I would get a hot chocolate with it. All the staff in that Cafe were nice and they already knew my mum’s order, weak, skinny cappuccino extra hot, so they learnt that I was always going to get a hot chocolate. This was 8 years ago, fuck, that’s how long I’ve been out of school for.

They still asked if I wanted a hot chocolate, after all these years they still remembered me! I then proceeded to say no, I’m an adult now, I’ll have an adults hot chocolate, a mocha. So I was sitting with mum and her work colleagues, a bunch of women ranging from 45 to 60 and I still felt the same way as I did when I got forced to do this as a child. I understood what they were talking about but it’s still just as dull and boring as it was 8 years ago. All I can hear is chicken clucking, thats what my mind spans to anyway. So there was lots of crying and all that. My mum didn’t want to quit work, she was a year off retirement but she was given so much shit in the last few years, she was so stressed out it was affecting her health so she said fuck it, no more. So she took 3 months of sick leave she’d accumulated, then some long service leave, then some more sick leave. All this time they didn’t know whether she was coming back so they couldn’t replace her or train anyone. So then a week before Christmas she resigned, all that time lost for them and no one to put in her place. They asked her to give them the password to her work email so they could get the supplier information from her, she said no so they just had to shut it down leaving the suppliers wondering what the fuck and them needing to chase them all up manually. They asked her to clean out her desk, she said I don’t want to come in yet, you can wait, so instead the manager packed it up and drove it straight to her house. Now I see where I got my fuck you attitude from.

So our internet stopped working yesterday. We called telstra and asked what the fuck man, they told us that they’ve been having issues with the cable, a lot of people are experiencing the issue so they had to send out a technician to fix it. No technician to the 4Th of January, that’s 2 fucking weeks away! I don’t mean to be so dramatic but what are we meant to do, all our entertainment is there! We don’t watch TV we stream everything on line, our ipads run off the WiFi so they’re rendered useless, it was a depressing thought to say the least. I was in despair and that was when mum had called and suggested to me, why don’t you go down to a telstra shop and get them to give you a wireless dongle with internet on it. I thought this was a stupid idea, as if a giant company like telstra is going to give a fuck about our lack of internet situation, but turns out they could do that, but catches galore.

The first guy in telstra was like yeah shouldn’t be a problem, come back in 15 mins and we will have it all set, I thought cool too easy, didn’t even have to get angry. We came back and this other guy was like, well the call centre should’ve put on your file to give you a dongle, we can’t authorise it we are just a shop that sells phones. So they put us on their phone to the telstra call centre again and we had to explain it to them again, well mister had to because it’s his name on the account. All because I forgot my ID when we signed up. Phones make mister very anxious, especially being pressured into making a phone call in a shop, a public place. Anyway, that got sorted so they were like here’s 6gigs. Pretty shitty consolation considering we have 200gig cable internet with telstra, best but most expensive phone and internet company. So I bitched and moaned, told them how unfair it was that we still have to pay a bill for a service that we aren’t getting. After a while as they were putting it through I apologised to the guys. It’s really not their fault, they are just a retail shop selling telstra phones and such after all, they have nothing to do with the accounts. We had a conversation with them, I told them that it’s a big bill for someone unemployed, and that we use the internet for everything. They were very understanding. Just as we were leaving the guy hands us a receipt and says “this is 16gig worth of prepaid internet, worth $140, don’t put it on till you use the other 6gig, this one’s on the house, merry Christmas”. The store just gave us that, all because I stopped to apologise and talk to them like normal human beings!

We spent ages in the shopping centre which is weird for me coz I fucking hate them. I hate the noise, the crowds and the lack of money I have. But it was 8.30pm qnd barely anyone was around with most of the shops still open so we just cruised. We got heaps of reduced shit like food shit I mean which was cool. We got Misters 10 year old sister a couple of small things, I’ve painted her something too. We got diablo 3 for the Xbox 360 for only $15, we haven’t bought a video game for over a year now!

When we got back home, the internet was back up and running. A Christmas Miracle! The end.

Wake Me Up When The Holidays Are Over…

I hate Christmas, I really do. Nothing good for the past 6 years has happened around Christmas. The start of it was breaking up with a long term bf back in 2009 a few weeks before the day, then there’s been job losses, family feuds and a death to remember. I hate it because before that I really loved it… I guess that’s what you call the wonders of being a child. But even a fair few years after my mum told me that Santa can’t afford to exist anymore, I still loved the season, the atmosphere. But now when this time comes around all I feel is resentment. Resentment at the fact that I’ll have to sacrifice a bit of my payment that’s keeping me afloat just to go see the family, then guilt at the fact that there’s no way I could buy anything for anyone.

I guess it’s this headache that’s making it worse. It’s a headache that comes and goes but lasts for at least a week or more then disappears for a while. It’s a stabbing pain right behind my left ear that goes straight to my left eye and makes it tear up. Lying down makes it worse, ibuprofen and paracetemol just don’t do anything except if I take 3 at once. But my doc said don’t do that it’s better if you just take something stronger. But when the harder pain killers stop being so effective and you have to couple it with a benzo just so it relaxes the muscles just that bit extra it’s probably time you start worrying about it right? Because I’ve never been addicted to benzos (surprisingly) but I do tend to live on painkillers when the headaches strike. Headaches I’ve struggled with my whole life but just attack different parts of my head every time.

Then there’s the bills and rent. I guess this is the standard thing to stress about. Living with Mister in a flat that I could only properly afford when I was working. But now I’m not working and the savings that was keeping us afloat is gone so now it’s just scraping coins to survive… I hate it so much. It’s been so fucking hot lately too! Isn’t it ironic that the one place I’ve ever lived in away from family or a flatmate (my mister isn’t a flatmate) has air-conditioning, but we have to pay the fucking power bill for the thing!

Since being off drugs my mum and I have gotten a lot closer, she does a lot for me. I am the youngest of 4 for my mum, the only one to my dad though so now that I’m back being close if I do any tiny little thing she will break down and think I don’t love her anymore. My mother has a few emotional issues to say the least. We are going there Christmas eve, we go there every Sunday, which is today, but she’s also coming down tomorrow morning to have coffee with the people she used to work with and our place is only a 5 minute walk away. She still wants us over here today, she said she’d throw in petrol money, but the house is a fucking catastrophe and when/if she sees it like this tomorrow, she will then freak out about my inability to look after myself. She knows I smoke but she assumes I smoke outside and I haven’t been and I feel guilty about that! I don’t have anyone over we don’t have people visit so I’ve never had the issue before. If I go over today then I won’t have time for cleaning which I’ll procrastinate to the fuck, but if I don’t go over mum will get sad and I don’t want that either!

I really need to quit smoking again. I did it for a month with the e-ciggies we managed to get nicotine liquid sent from New Zealand because it’s illegal over here but not illegal to ship things from there (thanks little brother country). It’s not the same, and it was difficult to switch but once I did I found I was using the e-cig less and less to the point I wasn’t even vaping. I can’t even fucking remember how I ended up smoking again. Something fucking stupid obviously. I felt so much better for it, I got majorley sick with bronchitis but after that it was great. But the thought of doing it again, makes me want to go roll a smoke, it’s all too much right now.

So Christmas will be at my mum’s this year that’s why we are going over Christmas eve to help. It’s lucky my parents love mister and mister loves them. At the moment his family situation is far from ok. Completely fucked up is an understatement, but that’s misters story to tell not mine. He’s so fucking amazing, he is so quiet and gentle, so completely him all the time. It’ll be the second Xmas without my nan, another reason why it’s not Xmas anymore. So I’ll be eating food whilst making bursts of idle chit chat between the big bouts of awkward silence.

Can’t wait till everything’s open and the Christmas decorations are all thrown out. This is how I’ll be on Christmas day.

The Solution: Important Safety Info

I have done a bit of research, and I have come up with 3 options that I will give some pros and cons about. I have read the WordPress policy and there isn’t really anything that they’re going to do about it. Their reasoning it seems is so they can easily find stalkers and what not but it doesn’t help to keep you anonymous from everyone else. It’s clear that I could email complaints till my fingers fall of and they wont give a shit. So here are the ways to get around it, and honestly use these for everywhere else also. I mean, when the internet first was a thing everyone was all about staying anonymous for safety reasons yet in this day and age that principle has flown out the window. Every site nowadays want to know everything about you, every time we sign up for something the website stores all our personal data. They may not share it but if it’s there then it means it can be discovered by anyone that is smart enough to hack. You know all those adds you see on the side (if you haven’t installed adblocker) like ‘local singles in your area’ which gives you the exact suburb you are based in. That’s the website pulling your exact location from your IP address and spamming you with advertisement. These methods are still not 100% fool proof, there are some very smart people in the world, but they’re the closest you’re going to get to it.

Firstly though, the email thing. There isn’t a way to get past that on here. If you don’t want people to know your primary email address then make an account that is purely there for signing up on websites with. Put false information on it, leave nothing on it that links to who you actually are. In all honesty, I made one for facebook, I have a fake account on there. Why? Because of all the damn phone and ipad games all wanting you to be on facebook! I cant progress in these games without it, sad I know. But I changed all the settings so even if I gave you the alias or email you can’t search for me anyway or even add me. Even without an account I can still find people and view profiles if they haven’t changed their settings, all with just typing their name into google. So search for yourself on google, if you can find yourself easily, it’s probably best to change some settings on the websites you use. And here are the options. Got to give credit to Zoe too for telling me, honestly, the best option, along with this email thing.

Proxy Servers & VPNS

Credit to Zoe for this. For those who don’t know what these are, the definition of a ‘proxy’ is; the authority to represent someone else. So a proxy server is a website that has the authority to represent you, by hiding all your information. It is legal for people to use, illegal to those who have had the court say no you can’t use proxys. There are a few different ways proxy servers operate but here is a picture best describing what a proxy server does:

The base of that diagram is is that the proxy basically stops the source from knowing your information. So you’re the client, the server is WordPress, you can still go on wordpress but there’s a proxy there stopping wordpress (or people on wordpress) from seeing what you’re actually using. There are a few types of different proxy servers, however, most are sufficient at keeping your anonymity regardless:

Anonymous Proxy – This conceals the IP address of the user so that the target server cannot identify the origin of the user, however it identifies itself as an anonymous proxy so the target server knows its a proxy server.

Distorting Proxy – Instead of hiding an IP address it instead reveals an incorrect IP address to the target server.

Elite Proxy – This is the highest level of anonymity you can get as it doesn’t identify as a proxy nor does it reveal the IP address of the user. This is usually a paid service though I doubt you’d find it for free anywhere.

VPN (Virtual Private Network) – This is a proxy that encrypts your internet traffic, therefore no one including hackers and your Internet Service Provider can snoop on your web activity or your private information. This is probably the safest proxy you can go for but you usually have to pay for it.

So these are the type of proxy servers they are, as I said above, any of these are sufficient enough to keep you anonymous (if you’re not doing anything illegal that is). I am going to provide a link for a list of good proxy servers.

Most of these should be free

Pros – All of what I just mentioned! This is the easiest, safest way to browse online on websites like these.

Cons – You have to go to that proxy website you’ve chosen every time to stay anonymous.

Source: http://www.gohacking.com/what-is-proxy-server-and-how-it-works/

Privacy Software

If you don’t want to constantly make that extra step to go to a proxy server there is the option of buying software that automatically does it for you. I guess you install it the same way you’d install any anti-virus software. You install it and it does it’s thing. There isn’t that much to say about it. I haven’t seen any free ones so far so I guess they’re like anti virus programs, if there are free ones then be careful which ones you get. Research before you download anything, and in that same statement, just because you paid money for it doesn’t make it the best thing ever (*cough Norton).

I don’t know enough about this option to link you anything, honestly I think you’re just better going through a proxy then going to all the trouble of buying something. But I will link you just one example of a program, that apparently is the best thing ever according to itself, this is just an example though:

Example Software

Pros – It’ll provide you with a list of proxys, or it will automatically pick a proxy so you don’t have to manually find one.

Cons – You usually have to pay for it, and update it. It does the same thing as a proxy server anyway. It’s a bit overkill, in my opinion. I could be wrong though there could be some really great ones out there.

Tor or other Anonymous Browser Software

Tor is like an anonymous Chrome basically. It hides your IP and lets you surf the web with complete anonymity. It also allows you to browse the deep web. Chrome, Explorer, Firefox etc are surface web browers, Tor allows you to access all of what the internet has to offer. If you’re only using it for surface web sites and normal day to day use then it’s great for that. If you want to do some deep web browsing then I suggest you don’t just install Tor and go nuts, especially if you’re running Windows. There is a lot of viruses on the deep web and a lot of bad people, there are methods to surfing the deep web that are a lot safer then just installing Tor. I will put a link up for Tor:

Install Tor Here

But if I’ve peaked your interest for surfing the deep web, then for the love of fuck be careful and please watch this video and follow this guys advice to the fucking T.

WATCH THIS BEFORE DOING ANY DEEP WEB BROWSING!!!!

I hope that this blog has been informative, if anyone has anything to add then please do and I will make any adjustments accordingly. Bear in mind that I am by no means experienced in IT, I just know a few people that are and I’ve done this research on my own accord. So any IT specialists out there, this is a very dumbed down guide, this is just the basics for the average person that uses the internet but please link in more or better information if you can. This is just a base for things, I encourage, actually I insist that you please do your research on anything that I have suggested. Nothing is ever going to be 100% accurate or fool proof, just remember that, but with these basics it gives you a helluva better chance at being safe. Don’t even ask me if you want to share this, just fucking do it. This information is incredibly important, awareness and education is the most important aspect of safety with anything, not just the internet.

I hope this has been helpful. Stay safe everyone!

 

This is Important

To everyone, I’m serious. I don’t know whether people already know this or haven’t realised or not but, I need to mention this, especially for all the people trying to remain anonymous on here.

I found out how that Creeper got my email, it’s so damn easy to see and I feel incredibly thick for not noticing.

Every email you get about moderating a comment has not only the email address of the person commenting but also the person’s IP address. I was shocked at, the fact that I was stupid enough not to notice this sooner but also what the fuck is WordPress putting up our IP address for everyone to see?!

With an email, I can search for you online, I can find all your social media pages, no big deal right? It is a big deal, because social media sites are easily hackable and with your email, if already got one piece of info.

This is scary shit, for those who don’t know what an IP address is, it’s the address of the computer or device. This is how people can track you. This is what hackers can use to fuck up your shit. This is what police use to find people also, kind of like tracking phone calls and location. But hackers is the main issue with this. Having your IP address on display in the internet world is like the equivalent of having your house address on display. With your IP address, hackers can hack into any area of your computer, accounts, everything you use and find your personal information.

So I’m going to find the solution on how to hide this, and then I’m going to post again. As I said in the Creeper Post, the internet is so much bigger then what we can access, I said we can only see 10% when it’s actually only 4% and I can explain all that in more posts if people are interested. But I’m still going to post the solution to this issue as soon as I find it. I’m not a computer expert but I believe it’s in my best interest to start learning.

Where do I Fit in?

I’m stuck in my intentions again, that happens to me sometimes. As I write this I’m questioning why I’m writing this. Questioning why I’m even on here. Why did I start this blog, honestly. What is this blog even about?

I keep re-reading my posts, re-reading the comments I’ve made on other people’s blogs and wondering why people like them. Doubting everything I’ve done on here thus far. Wondering whether on not I’m actually fitting in or whether I’m being tolerated by the awesome people that have chosen to interact with me. It’s funny because that’s what I did at school then I managed to jeopardise any relationship with anyone I had because I read into everything. Because I don’t understand. I don’t understand what it means to have friends. I don’t understand the groups that people make. I don’t understand how people fit in together.

I don’t know whether it’s because I’m constantly questioning everything. Maybe it’s because I have no idea what’s going on in everyone else’s mind. Maybe it’s because the people I truly trusted, I’ve seen bitch behind the backs of the other people I care about. Am I like this because I trust people so much that the moment anything remotely critical comes into play I spiral, or do I question because I don’t have any trust at all.

I just feel like I stand on the outside of everything. Even when it seems like I’m fitting in it doesn’t feel like I do. Does everyone feel like this? They say they do but I don’t see that because I just see people being close. I don’t even know whether I’m making sense. My thoughts make sense to me but it’s like trying to put a different language into google translate, it comes out a bit wrong. I’m trying to google translate my thoughts and I think it’s coming out just as jarred and confusing.

I don’t know whether I belong in this community, I feel like a square peg trying to cram myself into a round hole. Not saying that any of you are alike! See this is what I mean! Do I just categorise people, am I the judgemental person in all of this! I don’t have Bipolar, I had tendencies. This would of been great for me 2 years ago, I still empathise with what everyone goes through. But aside from these confusing moments I’m usually the same old same old. It’s been like that only this year.

But I want to fit in, I want to belong somewhere, I’ve never really had that before. Even the people that said they were loners still had their friends. I didn’t ever have that, I still don’t really. I have a partner and that is all, that’s all I’ve ever really been able to handle my whole life. And family but only a small percentage of it, because they lived with me so they get it. But the friend concept isn’t the same as that, I don’t understand the whole friend concept.

So for the people who have interacted with me, understand I don’t seem to have a concept of level of relationship so I believe you’re my friend on here. You were positive toward something so that means you like ME, right? Not just my posts. Is this the borderline coming into play. This is why I shouldn’t get close to people, this is why people don’t like me much. I’m too intense.

So I’m going to put up a photo of a painting I did, because at the moment I just want some acknowledgement. There are so many things I want to blog about but I don’t know whether these people I know on here are going to care for it.

I don’t know why I’m on here. What am I looking for? Belonging, acknowledgement or somewhere to vent?

 

Warning! High Volume Creeper Post

I’m pacing as I write this on my phone, I’m kind of freaked out. Things in my life have made me paranoid, and the recent things I’ve been choosing to watch well, that makes it way worse.

If people aren’t familiar with the game Minecraft, the picture featured is called a Creeper, it’s also the name I give to unsavoury people on the net, which is different from a troll as they leave you feeling gross instead of angry. As Minecraft is a free world building game that’s played online with a whole bunch of people, creepers are purely programmed in to fuck up your shit. Literally, you’ve been building a base for over 2 hours, creep, creep, creep, fucking KABOOM! There goes that thing you worked so hard on. This is how I’m feeling now, I was stupid enough to feel safe on WordPress but I realise now there’s no where I won’t get shit, it’s the internet and life, I need to get a grip.

I’ve deleted the comments on my About page now but that was the first instance to make me feel uncomfortable about a guy that started following me at random, so usually I’ve been following back just as a thankyou I guess. So he decided to post a comment that I didn’t read into much at first. Please, if you think I’m being paranoid about any of this call me out on it, please, I would love to not be thinking about this any longer. He’s also just liked and randomly commented on a few things but nothing bad. Ok this was the first:

Thanks for the follow 😉

As I said didn’t read much into it but winky faces make me feel gross when written by men, that sounds sexist as fuck, but it wasn’t women who were urging me to send tit pics on my greasy online dating days. So I replied with.

No worries 🙂

Obvious smiley face is obvious, smiley face means friend, it means cut out any wrong thought you may be thinking, well that’s what it means to me anyway.

So like 3 or 4 days past until he posted another comment:

Do you have an email.

Which I replied:

Uhh don’t you need one to start a WordPress account…

That seems uncomfortable right? Right, because I was fucking uncomfortable. For one it was a blatantly obvious question that he knew the answer to and two wouldn’t you just ask not be cryptic. Again this sounds slightly crazy but my head is going nuts because it doesn’t stop here.

He decided to post something blatantly racist on his page, a link to an article which he says he didn’t read as it had American Muslim in the title. He also said he knew he was going to lose a lot of followers for this post, proceeding to spout some more stupid on the post. Why? Why would you do that, it was an obvious troll. So I decided to tell him how appalled I was then said I was going to unfollow, which I did then I blacklisted his name for comments.

Why don’t I stop to think though, why am I so fucking impulsive. Obvious troll is obvious DONT FEED THE TROLL! I shouldn’t of said shit, I should of just unfollowed and left it as that, there was no need to stir the pot. I don’t like confrontation, anymore. He was already creepy, don’t feed creepers they will creep!

So this morning I wake up, I’m still seroquel brained and I see 2 emails from him. Two separate emails. I gotta start putting up some major security now. First email said.

Since you unfollowed, please delete my comments from your blog.

Four hours later he decides to send another that is just slightly worse, I don’t know if he’s trying to guilt me with some type of threat against himself or what. But this is what it was:

Just so you know, this blog will be deleted before the year’s end. Fuck it all. Fuck everything.

I stupidly sent an aggressive email back just feeding into it fucking again! What is wrong with me! I don’t know what information he has of mine, my email may be easily accessible but people can do a lot with a little bit of information. There is a lot more to the internet then what we can access, that’s for sure. We only can access 10% of the internet but the rest is all there, under the surface. The deep Web that’s what I’m scared of when I say where did my information go.

So if you’re reading this guy, no I won’t put your name on here so everyone can watch out. I’m not starting shit because I don’t know what you’re capable of. But I know how to do things also, I also have a lot of people close to me that can do. So disregard my email and don’t send me anymore. Let’s just leave it as that.