I’m stuck in my intentions again, that happens to me sometimes. As I write this I’m questioning why I’m writing this. Questioning why I’m even on here. Why did I start this blog, honestly. What is this blog even about?
I keep re-reading my posts, re-reading the comments I’ve made on other people’s blogs and wondering why people like them. Doubting everything I’ve done on here thus far. Wondering whether on not I’m actually fitting in or whether I’m being tolerated by the awesome people that have chosen to interact with me. It’s funny because that’s what I did at school then I managed to jeopardise any relationship with anyone I had because I read into everything. Because I don’t understand. I don’t understand what it means to have friends. I don’t understand the groups that people make. I don’t understand how people fit in together.
I don’t know whether it’s because I’m constantly questioning everything. Maybe it’s because I have no idea what’s going on in everyone else’s mind. Maybe it’s because the people I truly trusted, I’ve seen bitch behind the backs of the other people I care about. Am I like this because I trust people so much that the moment anything remotely critical comes into play I spiral, or do I question because I don’t have any trust at all.
I just feel like I stand on the outside of everything. Even when it seems like I’m fitting in it doesn’t feel like I do. Does everyone feel like this? They say they do but I don’t see that because I just see people being close. I don’t even know whether I’m making sense. My thoughts make sense to me but it’s like trying to put a different language into google translate, it comes out a bit wrong. I’m trying to google translate my thoughts and I think it’s coming out just as jarred and confusing.
I don’t know whether I belong in this community, I feel like a square peg trying to cram myself into a round hole. Not saying that any of you are alike! See this is what I mean! Do I just categorise people, am I the judgemental person in all of this! I don’t have Bipolar, I had tendencies. This would of been great for me 2 years ago, I still empathise with what everyone goes through. But aside from these confusing moments I’m usually the same old same old. It’s been like that only this year.
But I want to fit in, I want to belong somewhere, I’ve never really had that before. Even the people that said they were loners still had their friends. I didn’t ever have that, I still don’t really. I have a partner and that is all, that’s all I’ve ever really been able to handle my whole life. And family but only a small percentage of it, because they lived with me so they get it. But the friend concept isn’t the same as that, I don’t understand the whole friend concept.
So for the people who have interacted with me, understand I don’t seem to have a concept of level of relationship so I believe you’re my friend on here. You were positive toward something so that means you like ME, right? Not just my posts. Is this the borderline coming into play. This is why I shouldn’t get close to people, this is why people don’t like me much. I’m too intense.
So I’m going to put up a photo of a painting I did, because at the moment I just want some acknowledgement. There are so many things I want to blog about but I don’t know whether these people I know on here are going to care for it.
I don’t know why I’m on here. What am I looking for? Belonging, acknowledgement or somewhere to vent?