I hate Christmas, I really do. Nothing good for the past 6 years has happened around Christmas. The start of it was breaking up with a long term bf back in 2009 a few weeks before the day, then there’s been job losses, family feuds and a death to remember. I hate it because before that I really loved it… I guess that’s what you call the wonders of being a child. But even a fair few years after my mum told me that Santa can’t afford to exist anymore, I still loved the season, the atmosphere. But now when this time comes around all I feel is resentment. Resentment at the fact that I’ll have to sacrifice a bit of my payment that’s keeping me afloat just to go see the family, then guilt at the fact that there’s no way I could buy anything for anyone.
I guess it’s this headache that’s making it worse. It’s a headache that comes and goes but lasts for at least a week or more then disappears for a while. It’s a stabbing pain right behind my left ear that goes straight to my left eye and makes it tear up. Lying down makes it worse, ibuprofen and paracetemol just don’t do anything except if I take 3 at once. But my doc said don’t do that it’s better if you just take something stronger. But when the harder pain killers stop being so effective and you have to couple it with a benzo just so it relaxes the muscles just that bit extra it’s probably time you start worrying about it right? Because I’ve never been addicted to benzos (surprisingly) but I do tend to live on painkillers when the headaches strike. Headaches I’ve struggled with my whole life but just attack different parts of my head every time.
Then there’s the bills and rent. I guess this is the standard thing to stress about. Living with Mister in a flat that I could only properly afford when I was working. But now I’m not working and the savings that was keeping us afloat is gone so now it’s just scraping coins to survive… I hate it so much. It’s been so fucking hot lately too! Isn’t it ironic that the one place I’ve ever lived in away from family or a flatmate (my mister isn’t a flatmate) has air-conditioning, but we have to pay the fucking power bill for the thing!
Since being off drugs my mum and I have gotten a lot closer, she does a lot for me. I am the youngest of 4 for my mum, the only one to my dad though so now that I’m back being close if I do any tiny little thing she will break down and think I don’t love her anymore. My mother has a few emotional issues to say the least. We are going there Christmas eve, we go there every Sunday, which is today, but she’s also coming down tomorrow morning to have coffee with the people she used to work with and our place is only a 5 minute walk away. She still wants us over here today, she said she’d throw in petrol money, but the house is a fucking catastrophe and when/if she sees it like this tomorrow, she will then freak out about my inability to look after myself. She knows I smoke but she assumes I smoke outside and I haven’t been and I feel guilty about that! I don’t have anyone over we don’t have people visit so I’ve never had the issue before. If I go over today then I won’t have time for cleaning which I’ll procrastinate to the fuck, but if I don’t go over mum will get sad and I don’t want that either!
I really need to quit smoking again. I did it for a month with the e-ciggies we managed to get nicotine liquid sent from New Zealand because it’s illegal over here but not illegal to ship things from there (thanks little brother country). It’s not the same, and it was difficult to switch but once I did I found I was using the e-cig less and less to the point I wasn’t even vaping. I can’t even fucking remember how I ended up smoking again. Something fucking stupid obviously. I felt so much better for it, I got majorley sick with bronchitis but after that it was great. But the thought of doing it again, makes me want to go roll a smoke, it’s all too much right now.
So Christmas will be at my mum’s this year that’s why we are going over Christmas eve to help. It’s lucky my parents love mister and mister loves them. At the moment his family situation is far from ok. Completely fucked up is an understatement, but that’s misters story to tell not mine. He’s so fucking amazing, he is so quiet and gentle, so completely him all the time. It’ll be the second Xmas without my nan, another reason why it’s not Xmas anymore. So I’ll be eating food whilst making bursts of idle chit chat between the big bouts of awkward silence.
Can’t wait till everything’s open and the Christmas decorations are all thrown out. This is how I’ll be on Christmas day.