For You, From A Friend

I’m only 24, in all reality I haven’t even lived long enough to warrant spouting wisdom. Every time I go on here I see the pain of the members from this tribe, I see the struggles, the heartache. I wish I could help each and every one of you. I wish I could take away your pain and put you in a place in your head where it feels safe and comforting. Writing really is a gateway to the soul. I’ve seen so many beautiful writing styles that helps me to understand the person behind the words, even though I’ve never met any of you. This post is for all of you.

Depending on how you feel at the time, this post could anger you, but I hope that’ll you’ll see that I’m coming from a place of care. I’m not a priest or a preacher, I’m not a saint. I’m also young and inexperienced. I am human that has walked my own unique path of despair. As much as I may be able to understand and relate to some things that are blogged about, I cannot truly understand what each individual felt and experienced in that moment. I can only offer the support and insight that I take from my own experiences. At this point of my life I am stable. I may not have a job, I may be struggling financially but I am in control over my emotions. This post is just to share everything I told myself to get me to this point. Sure, medication and outside sources helped, but the true battle is the one you have to face within yourself.

images (8)I’ve seen a lot of psychs in the past, all the kinds, psychiatrists, psychologists, behavioural therapists, counsellors, social workers. Therapy never truly helped me, I’m in no way saying stop therapy it’s stupid! Please don’t stop therapy if you’re getting something out of it, it just didn’t work with me. I was always so desperately lonely, and I’ve always been empathetic, I am highly sensitive to any vibe people are giving off. Most of the time I’m reading into things too deeply and completely missing the mark on what people were feeling so I guess that never helped. For me therapy didn’t help because all I wanted was someone to listen and understand me, let me scream and rant, let me know that they cared. But paid professionals can’t care in the way I wanted them to. What I needed was a friend, someone I could spill everything too and have them care enough to listen, someone who would share it all with me. Social workers were better at showing care then a psychologist was, then psychiatrists were impossible to get attached to. So attached I became to certain people, people who couldn’t reiterate that sense of care that I truly needed. But then there were the opposite types. The ones you didn’t get attached to because they’d rather rip apart your mind piece by piece and stick it back in place where they think it should be. The ones that would stop me mid sentence to dismiss the thought tangent I was going on because it was ‘an unhealthy way to think’.

None of these therapists helped me. All the latter did was make me angry and ashamed of who I was as a person. There are only 2 types of therapists from what I’ve experienced. The ones that are truly in there because they care deeply and want to help people, very few and far beyond they are, these are the ones you want to find but they just unfortunately couldn’t help me for the reasons I explained. Then there are the other type, the control freaks who are there to have control over their patients because, well, the mentally ill are easier targets then all the ‘normal’ people in their real life. My aunt is one of these therapists. Yes, you read right, my aunt is a fucking counsellor, a gambling counsellor, who seems to think she’s more then qualified to understand EVERY problem from child abuse to substance abuse. Fuck, she even thinks she’s a doctor, telling my mother on Christmas day the pros and cons of her blood pressure medication! But to make it even worse she’s a God botherer and I’m not saying that everyone with faith is this, because they aren’t. A God botherer is someone who tells you you’re straight up going to hell because you’ve done drugs, had sex before marriage or any of the other bible bashing commandments you’ve broken. She is so fucking controlling she’s completely unbearable, but it’s worse when she jumps into ‘therapist mode’ which she likes to do to me every time I see her.

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This is one of the major quotes I have to keep telling myself everytime I think of something bad I’ve only just experienced or experienced a fair while ago. Because there was a point when the only emotion I felt was anger. A lot of it stems from family too. You can’t give someone else that power, you just can’t. You are worth more then that, your sanity is worth more then that. You are not hurting that other person by being angry and sending them those angry thoughts, you are only fueling the fire within yourself. And as much as fire can get you through things, help you achieve, when it comes to just sitting alone with these thoughts, the fire burns, and it hurts. It’s destroying you from the inside, don’t let someone else do that to you.

In this past year I had to cut off a brother that was truly hurting me. A manipulative, poisonous person, it still hurts, because i still remember all the good times. It hurts because I’m cutting off a part of my life, forcing myself to forget all the pain he put me through. I’m not the only one doing this, mister also has to do this with his own mother. Because a major lesson I learned in life is just because they’re family, does not make them good people. Sometimes for the sake of your own sanity you just have to view them like you weren’t sharing the same blood. Mister coined the name of the tactic that we use, Stone Walling. We have a large stone wall around ourselves and the people that we don’t want in, don’t get in. We ignore everything, we turn our attention to something else, we block them out entirely like they don’t exist. If you truly want to hurt someone then the best way to do it is to give them nothing, I guarantee they will sit and stew on it and they will wonder. We do not use this tactic to gain enjoyment in the pain of others, we do it to preserve our persons. When you know that you have a giant stone wall around you that no one can penetrate unless YOU let them in, then you do feel safe. The feeling is real no matter how imaginary the wall is. And if you have people that you can’t just block out and you have to talk to, then imagine a layers of walls, let them in the first but they will never make it to nude, bare you.

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Please, always remember this one. I am not saying don’t write about the hurt in your blog. I think to write about it is incredibly positive, blogging about it in a social place, leaving yourself raw and open foranyone to come along and attack you, that’s brave. Every single one of you has more courage, bravery and strength then anyone who thinks mental illness doesn’t exist has. Those people who refuse to accept the reality of others are weak. Those who lack empathy and compassion are weak. Because those who choose to help carry the burdens of someone else’s pain is a true hero. All of you are strong, all of you are brave, all of you are good people. You’ve just been afflicted with something that makes it 100 times more difficult to live. You are an inspiration for living, to those that are barely surviving. You have the ability to help others just through sharing your experience. Be the survivors of your illness, not the victims. Let your strength of person define you, not all the faults.

I’m writing this because I deeply care about everyone I’m subscribed to, commented on, seen comment. You’ve all given me a place to feel safe, a place of belonging. I’ve never had that before. You’ve all made an impact in my life, for the better, and I can’t thank you enough. Stay strong, cherish the good moments, survive through the worst but always remember that life is a wheel that never stops turning, one day you may be up, the next down or somewhere in between both. Life is about living for the times when you’re up.

I’m going to put lyrics down from the music Rent. To anyone that hasn’t seen it, see it. It’s amazing, all about over coming adversity, they’ve all had to face the challenges of poverty, drug abuse, homosexuality and Aids. It’s a truly courageous and beautiful musical that I hold close to my heart.

“The heart may freeze or it can burn, The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future, There is no past, Thank God this moments not the last

There’s only us, There’s only this. Forget regret – or life is yours to miss, No other road, No other way, No day but today

There’s only yes, Only tonight, We must let go, To know what is right, No other course, No other way, No day but today

I can’t control, My destiny, I trust my soul, My only hope, Is just to be

There’s only now, There’s only here, Give in to love, Or live in fear, No other path, No other way, No day but todaY

  • No day but to today, Rent the Musical

9 thoughts on “For You, From A Friend

  1. Thanks for this, Kim. I’m particularly happy you’re in the mind frame to write this. I’m NOT so happy to feel like I stand with those who bee-yitch and stew over family members (especially lately). But Buddha is right, and I will sip no more poison for now. ❤ Hope your mood continues to be stable.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I understand and this is not a post of judgement, just something to use for a build up when you do feel better. As I stated, I can not understand anyone else’s pain as it is not mine, I can not judge how others react nor do I wish to. Maybe at some time this will help, that’s all I wrote it for.

      Liked by 2 people

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