I’m leaving numbers on this one because I may have other outbursts. Or I may find that it’s a stupid thing to write about the second time around.
One of the main symptoms of Borderline is, what the psychiatrists like to call it, inappropriate anger reactions. It’s when said Borderline will react to something in rage whereas it most likely just vaguely annoys most people. I usually get triggered in shopping centres but this time I got triggered by something incredibly petty.
I tend to jump a lot from activity to activity, I get bored very easily. I used to think I had ADD or something but I only just keep discovering new symptoms to what I have. Chronic sense of emptiness and boredom. I used to have only few outlets and it was drawing and PlayStation. Only that and when I was rehearsing for shows which I miss terribly. As a kid these things were just not enough, I’d get bored. When I get bored I get incredibly, unnecessarily angry because I was bored. Because it’s a catch 22 with Bpd, you want to do something and there’s things that you love but when you’re bored of them there is no longer a sense of love or passion, it’s just boring and you hate it, just another thing that goes hand in hand, extreme love to extreme devaluation the next. That isn’t just with hobbies, this is mainly with people, the moment they say something wrong then they’re straight down the other end of your value spectrum.
I’ve learnt to have more things to do to keep me occupied, so if I’m bored of one then I cycle through everything else, because half the battle with me is not letting myself get bored. I rapidly spiral downwards as soon as I have nothing to concentrate on, stupid as that sounds. Another thing I would turn to was putting things in alphabetical order, categorising things. As a kid I’d go do things like put the Vhs/DVDs in alphabetical order, but I couldn’t just go do this manually first. No, I had to write my list, alphabetise it, write it out again then go fix the Vhs/DVDs on the shelf. I then would go on the computer, this was when we first got a computer, as we were incredibly slow to technology because of my ancient parents, we didn’t have the internet only Microsoft office. So I would sit on Microsoft Excel and make a spreadsheet out of this list, complete with genre, running time, directors, lead actors and blurb. As I got older I turned to Pokemon (another reason why I love this game), I had the books with all the Pokemon in it so I ended up making a book dedicated to them (and by book I mean giant a4 binder with display sheets in it). I drew out the Pokemon, in their evolutions if they had any. I’d write down basic info like element, size ect, I’d write down their whole movesets, what level they’d learn them, then after careful analysing I’d make my plan for what my training plan was for them, how I’d breed them, what level I’d let them evolve, what moves they’d have by level 100. Pokemon was more then a game for me, it was a whole fucking process, most of the time I wouldn’t even play the game till I figured out my tactic. It was everything for me, strategy gameplay as well as my own filing cabinet full of information I could categorise and order to my preference. Most people that are fans of the game liked it for this reason too.
After Pokemon, I did recipe books, movies I have, movies I want to see, anything you can manually write down I still do. Aside from that there’s a tonne of computer games, Xbox games, gameboy/ds games, ipad games, painting, drawing, colouring with pencils, colouring with textas, colouring books, pixel art and making cross stitch patterns and cross stitch, oh, and making dream catchers and all the writing projects. Bear in mind I do all of these things while simultaneously watching either youtube or other shows we stream, otherwise I’d be bored just doing these things singularly. What has this got to do with inappropriate anger you may be asking yourself (or not, you know whatevs) I’m sorry I’ve been talking a lot about all the stuff I do.
I got angry because I couldn’t find my cross stitch pattern that I’m working on, but could find all the cottons… I physically went blind mental rage over this. I was throwing shit everywhere, snapping at mister. I ended up admitting defeat, sitting on the couch and crying my eyes out. So. Fucking. Stupid. After calming down, coz mister will search hard if I lose something because he knows I will blow up otherwise, we thought about it and found it, hidden behind the cabinet because it fell behind it. You’d think I’d be happy. Nah-uh, I got hit with a major panic attack and the crying that just went on and on.
Do you know what’s stupid? When people do things like disappoint me, say hurtful things I don’t get angry anymore, I just get very whatevs. But when I lose a thing that I seriously want to do at the time, I go fucking spastic. I understand why though. I expect people to be arseholes. I understand that people are going to say shit that offends me now, because hey, I’m easily fucking offendable, so much so that I don’t even get offended anymore. I get a bit spiteful and resentful, but it’s not nearly as big as the rage that comes from needing a goddamn fucking pen to write something down and not being able to find one! Because items aren’t people, they aren’t meant to be jerks, they aren’t meant to let me down, they’re not supposed to show they hate me by getting lost! I especially hate seeing the thing all the fucking time then the moment you want to do something with it, it’s nowhere to be fucking seen. It’s bullshit! It’s not fair!
Sounds childish as shit right, can’t get what I want so therefore rant and cry about it. Possibly. But I know that if I want to do something, then no other alternative is going to cut it, if anything will just anger me more. I clearly hate feeling like that, and anger has always been the first emotion I jump to, it’s always protected me better then sad ever did.