I guess I woke up on the reality side of the bed of this morning. No matter how I’m feeling, what I write, no matter how positive, stupid, maybe funny I seem in my posts, or not, I always feel the hole located in the middle of my chest leading to my stomach. Usually I don’t feel it’s presence, but today I’ve been made aware that yes, it’s still there it hasn’t filled up yet.
One thing that has kept me calm, centred and functioning is that I know that my wheel will turn and when it does I need to prepare for what’s going to come and I need to remind myself what it’s like to feel ok. Need to remind myself, need to remember that I do have the ability to function. I remember in my head, like it’s in a text form document waiting to be read in the back of my mind, but I can’t remember what it actually FEELS like to be happy today! All I know is that I hope it wears off sooner rather then later.
I feel a physical hole in my centre, the hole that’s always been there for as long as I can remember. It’s not a metaphor it FEELS real, I can’t feel my own heartbeat I only feel the rumble of hollowness every breath I take. I’m on the verge of tears, I guess something could trigger them but I don’t know which is worse. Because when I cry I cry uncontrollably for hours, I’ve been known to literally pass out due to lack of oxygen because I’m crying so hard. It’s almost like I cry for 10 different people simultaneously. No, at the moment all I feel is emptiness, coupled with the tweaks of anxiety making itself known.
Maybe it’s been the chain rejection emails I’ve been receiving off jobs I’ve been applying to or maybe it’s the bad dreams. Because the last 3 nights I’ve experienced mister leaving me in different ways with my utter devastation. This is nothing compared to last year when it was a whole month, every night of him doing it. It’s stupid because he’s not like that, he’s not like my exes that just fucked with me in so many ways. He’s too fucking good, my brain can’t comprehend that I’m with someone who treats me as well as he does. So it’s punishing me every time I close my eyes.
I spent 12 years dreaming of the rape every single night. It got to the point where I stopped feeling anything. I fucked every guy I met for 2 years just to feel something, anything, just to stop the dream of the same thing, I didn’t just go through it once, I went through it every night again and again for 12 fucking years. Then I met him, and I felt safe, but the dream switched to me losing him over and over and over.
I hate the uncertainty of life, I can’t stand not knowing what’s going to happen. It’s not exciting it’s fucking terrifying… I hate myself like this because the logical part of my brain hates every other useless part because it doesn’t want to be this person anymore…
The thing is I can’t just narrow this down to depression from Bipolar. Because I’ve only been diagnosed with Bipolar due to medications fucking me up, I’m on good medication right now why isn’t it working! With Borderline I have no excuse of my brain function being fucked up, I’m just fucked up, it’s my personality this is just me! I could be fine in 2 hours, a different mood entirely tonight, I don’t fucking know because my mood is programmed like that, my brain is functioning normally but my normal is fucked up!
And now the tears flow freely because I don’t know what to do right now… I can’t hold down a job for longer then 8 months and I don’t know why, I try my best but my best isn’t working! I can’t study because I can’t hold myself down to that responsibility, because as soon as it’s not easy, I hate it. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, he could easily leave me because I am useless…
I want money but I don’t want to work. Part time work is hard to find and I’m scared, legitimately scared for my future right now. But I may not be tomorrow, I may take on a course, decide I want to do philosophy but the chances of completion are rare, because I don’t know who I am or what I want.
I think I’ve been wrong, I feel like I’ve just been saying things to people and it’s wrong. I’m wrong..
‘The Perfect Fit – The Dresden Doll’s
I could make a dress, Fit for a prince, I could clothe a continent, But I can’t sew a stitch
I can paint my face, And stand very very still, It’s not very practical, But it still pays the bills
I can’t change my name, But I could be your type, I can dance and win at games, Like backgammon and life
I used to be the smart one, Sharp as a tack, Funny how that skipping years ahead, Has held me back
I used to be the bright one, Top in my class, Funny what they give you when you, Just learn how to ask
I can write a song, But I can’t sing in key, I can play piano, But I never learned how to read
I can’t trap a mouse, But I can pet a cat, No i’m really serious! I’m really very good at that
I can’t fix a car, But I can fix a flat, I could fix a lot of things, But I’d rather not get into that
I used to be the bright one, Smart as a whip, Funny how you slip so far when, Teachers dont keep track of it
I used to be the tight one, The perfect fit, Funny how those compliments can, Make you so full of it
I can shuffle cut and deal, But I can’t draw a hand, I can’t draw a lot of things, I hope you understand, I’m not exceptionally shy, But I’ve never had a man, I could look straight in the eye, And tell my secret plan
I can take a vow, And I can wear a ring, And I can make promises but, They won’t mean a thing
Can’t you do it for me, i’ll pay you well, Fuck ill pay you anything if you could end this
Can’t you just fix it for me, it’s gone berserk… Fuck i’ll give you anything if, You can make the damn thing work
Can’t you just fix it for me, i’ll pay you well, Fuck ill pay you anything, If you can end this
Hello, i love you will you tell me your name? Hello, i’m good for nothing – will you love me just the same?