I don’t know

I haven’t been on here a couple of days because my heads been swimming. Now is finally a day where it’s stopping. Actually my mood is dropping again, maybe it’s the weather. Too fucking hot. Too fucking sunny. Always makes me feel overwhelmed and anxious in days like these. Keep losing my sunnies so I can barely open my eyes when the sun shines off the concrete pavements outside. Too much body weight, too insulated so I get really hot really quickly. My heads hurting because I burn through water quicker. I hate summer, and if I had seasonal depression, then it would be the opposite way.

I’d much rather fight my way down the street in a storm then a 40 degree day, I at least I can put clothes on, at least I can breath. Another thing I hate about summer. It’s so humid that the air you breath burns your lungs, that’s if the air doesn’t feel like a physical wall around you. Not being able to breath properly has always been a thing that I fret about.

I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m writing about, don’t know what I’m doing, don’t know what I’m feeling. Dunno, dunno, dunno. That’s how if been answering questions too. I’m usually the decisive one, the dunno people that couldn’t answer questions just fucking shat me. Not like whether you want bread or not is a tough decision, answer the fucking question! But I am the pinnacle of don’t know, so even a simple question like that is just too hard to answer.

Don’t know whether this is the calm before the storm of shit, or the night before the dawn of a good day? Don’t know. Is something going to magically pop out of thin air and give me a purpose or direction in life, or am I just sinking into a depression? Don’t know. I just don’t know.

I don’t have a feeling either way, because I know things happen in mysterious ways so part of me wants to remain hopeful, but the other part of me knows how painful having hope can feel so I guess they are cancelling each other out leaving me feel, nothing I guess. Decisions are hard, actions are hard, staying awake is hard, but I’m up early so sleeping is worse. The dreams have been vivid nightmares, not of events. I know that they’re dreams now when I’m in them, but the moment I realise I’m trapped in it, and all my child night terrors come circling back, like the bouncing shop escalator with high pitched noise, or the everyone spinning on their heads elevator. Why? I really wish I understood why I’m forever tortured in my sleep…

So since I’m up early, and it’s pay day I need to go get coffee and milk and tobacco because we are pretty well out of all of it. It’s only a 5 minute walk but even at 9am it’s still probably going to be stinky, it gets hot really quickly, and I’m in a pretty can’t be fucked mood! I really shouldn’t be in this country, or I should at least be in Tasmania, nah fuck that little off our Coast Island that’s still Australia, it’s so small with nothing in it.

I guess I’m just incredibly apathetic today.


8 thoughts on “I don’t know

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