I live with a lot of fear, clearly, as I keep writing about the constant nightmares that I keep having. Being in social situations scare me, the future scares me, death scares me. I guess I’ve always had these fears which I feel is normal for most, but with this set of medication I’m on I’m about as passive as I ever could be. But that’s not who I’ve been most of my life, I was aggression, I was anger, I was rage.
It never won me any friends though. My morales and judgements were so high, so intense that it made people angry or fearful of me. Because even now if you get me on a subject I feel passionate about I will start on a tangent rant where I barely draw a breath, so full of sarcasm that I’m almost frothing at the mouth because I’ve had no time to swallow the saliva that’s been building. Everyone I used to talk to chose not to debate back and they hated me when I started to dare them to argue back to me. Because in my head I was right, morally, how could anyone have points and views about the subjects I feel so strongly about? They were the stupid, uncaring ones. There was no grey area. Only right and wrong, only black and white.
This medication has been the best thing I’ve ever been on. It didn’t blunt my emotions like lithium did, it just stopped a lot of the rage build-up. I still get angry unnecessarily sometimes, don’t get me wrong, but it’s in no way to the same degree as it used to be. Because I can reflect now, because I can start understanding why people have the opposing opinion, because I can see a few more sides of the argument. I’ve learned there’s never just an answer of right or wrong.
The one example I can give is the way I used to view religion. I used to be a militant atheist, because in their world being agnostic (which I now identify with) was being a fence-sitter which is bad because fence-sitters serve no purpose when you are in a war. Out of the 2 sides there are varying levels of where you sit on the religious front. The militant atheists think the world would be a better place without religion. They ridicule it, ridicule the people that believe, and are, in their own way, just as close-minded and arrogant as the other end of the spectrum. Religious Fundamentalists, the ones that give all religions a bad name. They are terrorists, they are bible bashers, they are the ones protesting at celebrity funerals saying that the person is going to hell (I’m referring to Robin Williams), the ones condemning LGBT community, the ones refuting the theory of evolution. I could go on but I think I’ve said enough. All of these things were what I believed not useful to the world, something that I wanted to fight against.
But that’s the key word here, fight. I always needed to be in battle against something, I needed to make the world a better place by being powerful and fighting. Because I didn’t get to fight when the shit happened to me… I didn’t get my revenge, I didn’t gain any power.
How I feel about religion and the front now, well, there are good people that are religious, good people that are atheist. It’s not religion that makes you good or bad, it’s ultimately the way you make yourself. I may not understand why people need religion but at the same time I don’t understand therefore it’s not my place to judge.
I was always so angry, I still am, but that’s who I was, not what I want to be. Because my personal views, my deep thoughts what I always held dear but could not properly agree with myself back then is that fighting is not the answer. I don’t want to be violent, I don’t want to fight people verbally or physically, this is the choice I choose to make. I thought I valued justice over mercy, but who I think I am, the person that’s still fighting for control of my mind, values mercy over justice. This is the internal battle that always rages within myself. Even the sentence, fighting is not the answer, contradicts itself in so many ways for me. Because fighting is not the answer implies taking all the shit that gets thrown at you and not doing anything about it. Even if it means physically, if someone pushes me, that sentence implies don’t push back. I did that my whole life and in turn that makes me powerless. The other side of my head screams don’t let them have that power over you. If I got into a situation where I was being grabbed by a man that was going to do something hideous to me, fighting is not the answer, simply does not apply in this circumstance. I would fight, I would scream I would NOT let them do that to me again. I would grab any weapon I could and I would fight to the bitter end. And let me tell you something, with the amount of rage I have in me, I would win.
I have 2 people that make up me, I don’t have split personality disorder though, I know they are both me. The one that wants to fight and the one that wants to heal. Black and white. I still value mercy over justice. I will still avoid confrontation at all costs. But if it came down to it, I would not let fear take control, I would let the anger because I know it will always protect me in a life or death situation. You cannot live in this world as a pacifist or as a fighter. The world is not ideal nor is it black and white. You don’t have to choose. Be both.