I was having this conversation with mum because of a random comment I threw out there. It was because they still had their Christmas cards up, and one of them was obviously from my cousin. Why do I say obviously? Well, because it had a picture of her one year old son on it with merry Christmas down the bottom of it. My comment was, I hope I never become one of those parents that puts their child’s photo on a Christmas card. Mum’s response was, oh Kim, it’s their first child she is just proud, I know me and your father were proud of you. Yeah, as a baby maybe, but you sure weren’t when I got old enough to talk…
I’m one of those people who would pay a fee a month, like Costco, to shop at a shopping centre where children aren’t allowed. Because a baby or toddlers scream pierces through my brain and makes me think of death to others. I also can’t stand the brats running into me, or mother’s with prams pushing in front, cutting me off and having really slow pram party conversations. I don’t like being around young children, I don’t like holding babies nor do I care that they exist. This is my current feelings towards children at this point in my life.
I used to hate it when I was on facebook, since I’ve been 19, no actually, probably 17, all the years following just about every single girl of my age started becoming mother’s. Granted, there were some that didn’t, but soon they became the minority. But because they were good friends with these mother’s they naturally cared for and we’re good with their friends children. For one I have never really been close to a female of my age group, and two, I’ve never been comfortable around children.
That is pretty well, in a nutshell, exactly how I feel when I get asked that question. The honest answer is no, I have absolutely no desire to hold your baby, I don’t even think it’s comfortable in wanting to be held, or is that just gas? But honestly, what I get annoyed at the most about children is the parents, it’s not the baby/child on its own I have a problem with. It’s the change I’ve seen in the women I’ve been close to. Going from fun to I know everything about everything and you don’t know shit, because you have no idea how hard it is to be a mother! No I don’t have any idea, is there some sort of key that you get that comes with the kid that all of a sudden unlocks the secrets of the universe?
But let me pose this question to you, mother’s everywhere. Do you understand the sheer amount of pressure that society puts on women like me who chose not to have kids, who aren’t continuing the cycle of reproduction even though it’s what I apparently live to do? Do you know how confusing it feels when your brain tells you that it’s a pretty silly idea to have a child in my circumstance but my body is telling me that it really, really wants one anyway? Most of the time I hate being female because when it comes to reproducing I feel like I don’t win either way. Because I know that if I never have kids I will still always feel regret that I didn’t, because my body is wired that way. And if I do, I’m setting myself up for a life where I’m constantly under stress and anxiety for the sheer responsibility I have, not just till they’re 18, but till the day I die because they will always need protecting, always need guidance, always need love.
The truth is the whole idea of children terrifies me. Giving birth hurts, pregnancy hurts, I don’t want to go through that! Baby’s are fragile, toddlers are silly, school is shit and teenagers seem like living nightmares! Kiddy music, TV shows, people oohing and ahhing and picking out baby clothes and toys argggggggg! I hate the thought, I more then hate it I resent it!
Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me, why don’t I feel any sort of cluckiness towards other people’s kids, why don’t I care? Why am I so awkward around children, why can’t I get down on that level and connect with them? But then I remember. I was never a child in my head, my childhood was stolen from me, I was traumatised. I’m going to speak of my father but he never did anything terrible, that was done by people I didn’t know. But my father never allowed me to be a child. I got chastised for not speaking properly, chastised when I was being silly, chastised for doing anything normal kids did. I spoke in full sentences at the age of 3 onwards, I was trained early on pronunciation. I didn’t act out like normal kids, I wasn’t a screaming bratty toddler. I was sullen, quiet, well behaved. Scared. Scared of doing anything wrong, not because I’d get beaten, but because I’d be ignored if I stepped out of line.
So I don’t understand kids. And when I have peoples so called pride in their kids shoved at me left, right and centre, I have to think about all of it. Because I have no hope in myself that I wouldn’t fuck up my child something shocking. My mind tells me I shouldn’t have kids, but deep down I know I do. And it all hurts, especially now that I’m in a relationship with someone that wants kids eventually, and I’m at the age where people start thinking about it.
I’ve miscarried once, without even knowing I was pregnant. What if that happens again when I actually want it? What if my body can’t handle the stress? What if that child turns out like me, what if they inherit all my faults? What if it gets really sick? What if it gets bullied? What if I fail them? What if I’m a truly shitty parent but can’t see it?
I’m scared. I hope I didn’t offend anyone, this is just me being honest.