Letters to Young Men Past

This is just a letter form writing of guys that were in my life, none of them stayed there, all made an impact one way or another. This probably would’ve been better without the explanation but I’m not a writer, I don’t know the code. This is merely reflection:

Dear Z,

I thought I’d start with you first since you are the most recent one. I guess you moving in was a mistake, hey. I don’t know what would’ve happened to you if you didn’t though. You probably would’ve continued smoking, you may have got on something harder. You still would’ve been chasing me, because at the end of the day, you fall for anyone that showed you a slight amount of care. Just like any stupid male you automatically assumed that girls must want you sexually because they are trying to understand and empathise with you. It was never about that for me, you may have been attractive to most, but to me what made you ugly was the fact you knew how attractive you were, you knew you are too arrogant to accept any form of empathy, so you played on girls just as a conquest. Then you stayed with them for a while, your honeymoon period lasted 1 week instead of months and by week 2 you’d picked out all their flaws and had a reason for you to leave. I never understood why you even had relationships, they never worked, not because of them but because of you Z. Because you hate women. I understand. Fuck, if I’d walked into my father’s room at the age of 9 to find him dead, then to have my mother throw me into foster care till I was 16, forever in and out of family’s and resi care, I’d have an enormous amount of mummy issues.

The thing is Z, it’s not that no one wasn’t trying to help you its because you had no hope in yourself. We were friends, and being the slightly sociopathic person that you are, the way you ooze charisma is amazing, you’re so charming. So when my brother said come live with us, you only jumped at the chance because you were already sick of the people you were living with, and you obviously thought we were going to get together. But I never wanted that Z, because I’d seen you snap on numerous times. Well, I should have totally expected everything that came next. The heated fights we had, and by heated I mean screaming and throwing shit at each other, needing to be restrained from fist fighting, because believe me Z, I know you wouldn’t have hit me, you work by intimidation, but if I wasn’t restrained, I would’ve kicked the living shit out of you. I don’t think I’ve ever met a person that could drag so much hatred and violence out of me like you could Z. The funny thing was, as much as you hated me, you had no problem showing who you really were to me, weakness and all right out on display. I knew the words to hurt you, but I would never do it. We were on the same league as brother and sister, because anyone else that gave him shit, or vice versa, I felt a huge need to protect him from. At the end of the day though, I know you’d stab me in the back in a heartbeat, our relationship is no where near fucking roses. Remember the lovely song you wrote about all the ways you wanted to kill me? Remember the fun time I caused you when I called the cops on you to take you away to the funny farm and 6 cops came armed with guns? No Z, our relationship isn’t roses. But neither is the family you wormed your way into. My brother who had full control over you, sociopathic like you but more harnessed. I realised this, so did his own children, now you’re the only one stuck there but I heard it’s not working too well over there for you. Enjoy the family you enjoyed ripping away from me.

Dear C,

I really fucked up everything when it came to you didn’t I? I used to think our history was so long back when I was dating J, but it really wasn’t, nothing about you being in my life was long enough… I met you at school when I was 13, the secondary school I’d end up leaving about a year and a half later. It was when I was really struggling with bullying and I was hanging around the nerds who weren’t my friends but gave me a safe place to sit at recess and lunch so I wouldn’t get it so bad. You used to pick on me, but it was never malicious, nothing about you was malicious. You were so pudgy, so light hearted, you laughed so much harder at yourself then anyone else could so you were impossible to bully. You started pushing yourself into me, not physically. You’d do things like sit next to me in classes and choose to partner up with me for projects. You scribbled shit in my school diary, you debated music with me. After a while you just didn’t leave me alone, you admitted you liked me, and invited me to hang out with your friends one Friday night. There was 4 of us going to some kids party, then we met another guy named J (I’ll call him JJ because J is my ex) who was a couple of years older then us. We had got some alcohol but found out quickly we weren’t allowed to have it there so we bailed shortly afterward. You started to get a bit possessive of me though because JJ was showing some interest. While we were waiting for JJ, B and D to get alcohol we sat in the park and you told me you loved me. At the time though C, you were 14, you didn’t know what love was, neither did I. And I think part of that was that you wanted to keep me away from JJ. He knew you liked me too, yet you hated me so much more for what happened next. Because I hooked up with him, I didn’t sleep with him, I knew he had a gf and I still went there. But you know what? I was hurt too C, but I overlooked how much you really did care for me back then. You told me a few years later you covered for me when I was wagging even after that whole deal. I really wish you hadn’t put all that pressure on me, I did that because I couldn’t handle your feelings.

So I moved schools and I didn’t see you again for a couple of years. I met up with you again when I was dating J because you could get us weed. Then a new friendship was born, because you brought along R and P and we were smoking buddies. All chilling in the car, we were mostly 16 with J being old enough to have his license. Singing different harmonies of Lost In Hollywood by System Of A Down. Then me and J went downhill, and you didn’t want to see us anymore, and I understand. You got a gf who you’re still with to this day, I’m so glad you found someone that appreciates how awesome you are, the punk with the oi tattoo, tartan pants and Mohawk that I dyed blue once. I’ll never forget the night we all tried tabs for the first time. I still have photos. We haven’t talked in a long time and I wish you well.

Dear D,

Sometimes I wish I could erase you from my memory, but you taught me so much. Like how to spot a con artist. You were so dedicated with me. I met you when I was a year into my online dating days, you weeded me out, read me like a book, you are a master of your craft and that’s not anything to be proud of. You spent 6 months I’d say grooming me, but I don’t think you needed to. You were 31 I was 20, you had long hair, the skull rings in a black and white photo, you already had me, I guess you could sense my low self esteem and my desire for going for guys older then me. You were the ultimate predator.

When I met you, you acted in a way you knew would be appealing to me. Quiet, mysterious and completely cool. You spent most of the night talking to me, about subjects that you knew I loved, and you stayed a bit far from me, never showed any inkling of wanting to touch me, or to do anything with me, you were as gentlemanly as you could get. The night was getting late and I was pretty dismayed thinking nothing was going to happen, you knew for a fact that I really wanted you by this stage but you kept me hanging in there, waiting for the perfect opportunity to lure me in. Then you did, such a smooth talker, I’ve wanted to kiss you all night, I just didnt know if you wanted me to’ you told me on the balcony overlooking the city, and then you did. And oh my gosh, I’d never wanted someone so much so badly in all my life. So we slept together, we went to work 4 hours later, and that’s all I thought it was going to be, I thought that’s all you wanted, but I was wrong.

You called me the next day wanting to meet up again. I jumped at the opportunity obviously. We slept together again, and nothing more was said. You texted me a few days later because I was starting to get obsessive, like I do. I saw on facebook that you posted the fact you were getting kicked out and needed a certain amount of money to stop the landlord from throwing your stuff out on the curb. I thought this was a way I could see you again, if I helped you I would be held in a higher regard from you. I borrowed the money shamelessly from good brother, and I helped you. After that you changed your persona from smooth and mysterious to misunderstood and needy. You told me a giant lie of a backstory because you knew I cared a lot, you played on my sympathies and used me for everything I was worth. I bought you tobacco, food, helped you with rent, all while I was earning about $15 an hour doing a traineeship. You were the first person I called when I got kicked out of my brothers, I was walking up to the station in the rain at 11 at night, no idea where I was going and you ignored my calls. I knew you were no good, but I ignored it, holding out hope that you were better then that. You stole a pack of cigarettes off me. I was living with a lesbian and a barnyard full of animals when I had never been out of family houses before. I was barely affording stuff for myself but I still supported you. I fell for you hard, but you kept saying I’m not ready for a relationship. I spent at least $500 on you for the past month. Then you stayed over one night, and you ensured we would end. Because you stole my debit card from my wallet and took out all my money, which was only $300 but it was all I fucking had! You broke my heart and took all my money, and guess what, the bank wouldn’t help me either because to them I didn’t do a good enough job of hiding my PIN code. You memorised it didn’t you, from all the fucking cash withdrawing I did for you, you stood close enough to see but far enough away not for me to suspect, though I probably wouldn’t of anyway because I didn’t want to believe what everyone told me about you. I cried over you for 4 months after that. You ripped out my heart. But you taught me exactly what to look for in people, because of you I will never let just anyone into my life. You taught me the true definition of heartless. Karma is going to come for you D, I have no doubt in my mind.

Dearest A,

I dreamt about you last night, every time it happens it makes me reflect, not only you, but everyone. You have no idea how much I still miss you. We were never a couple but I wish we were. I guess I miss you because I loved you. But how we met, what was going on at the time, none of it would’ve let us be together. We ourselves wouldn’t of let it happen, that why we never acted on impulse. Neither you nor I wanted to hurt J, he was your best friend, he was my partner. But something was there I swear it A, why else would you have tried to find me again years after me and J separated? But too many years had past, you forgot. You only remembered what you loved about me, I guess that happened to be my looks too. Because I never saw you again after our final meeting, I don’t think I ever will. It hurts me to know that all you felt for me back then was physical, even though I knew you’d protect me with your life back then.

We met you through R, who we met through C who I’ve already talked about. You introduced me to everything, acid, speed, e, meth, gbh, magic mushrooms. You held the crackpipe for me, you taught me all the skills needed to be a junkie. I don’t understand how someone as smart as you ended up doing such stupid things. But we had some fun together didn’t we? J would crash long before us so we were always awake together, always exploring. Remember playing badminton at 7am because we were still speeding after everyone else had crashed? Remember driving Js car around an oval because he was busy stargazing when we were tripping balls? Remember the time we broke into the sculpture garden because it was closed but we really wanted to trip out on all the cool art? All my memories are with you A, all my crazy times, I don’t even remember the love I had for J. I only remember you from the past.

I don’t want to see you again though. Because my life works now, I’m happy, I love again. You are part of the good memories of the past, in the sea of bad memories, you can’t be back in my life again. Sometimes I wonder if you’re ok, but whatever direction you headed in, I know that’s what you want. I wish you the best A.

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2 thoughts on “Letters to Young Men Past

  1. There are some cock-heads out there ey! It makes me sad that you were used and abused by some, but it makes me smile that you took those experiences and learned from them. You learned stuff about your own strengths and self worth. So many don’t learn from past relationships, but rather choose to blame either themselves, or the other person, for the shit they went through. You show a huge amount of maturity and insight for someone so young ❌⭕️❌⭕️❌⭕️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Life has had a way of sending me down the rough paths, nothing about my life has been easy that’s for sure. But I choose to be a survivor not a victim, I will never let a man have that power over me again. Thanks for your comment, it means a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

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