No Escape Route

So this is what rock bottom poor feels like. My welfare payments, for the first time since we’ve been living here didn’t align properly with rent being due, and now even with our payments combined we cant cover our rent. And even if we did that means no money, none, for 2 weeks. Having spent the last 4 hours desperately calling services for help I had no choice but to turn to my mother. She’s paying the whole thing, so we still have both our payments to live off. I should feel good about this right? I don’t feel anywhere close to good, I feel like scum. I feel like a child who cannot handle the world. I feel like a charity case. I feel like a parasite feeding off the rest of society, still very much dependant on my host (mother/government).

I’ve realised that for the past month I’ve been living in some sort of daze, our last rent struggle left us scraping coins for a week. We were so happy that we had money again we went a bit overboard with food, with little things. It’s like I completely forgot that we could only just afford this place when I was working, what the fuck was I thinking, that even with the bills being taken care of, rent was affordable all of a sudden? I’m such a fucking moron. To have a charity tell me that they couldn’t help me because rent wasn’t sustainable in the long run, that really made me realise how dire the situation really is.

We can’t afford this place, the realisation is setting in. I’ve already cried my extent of tears this morning, now I just feel numb. Hopeless. Everything seems hopeless. Because even if we moved back in with my parents, I don’t have hope in getting a job down there. And I’d rather live with my parents then any other random fucker, already learnt that lesson once. So I guess the only hope is to rent elsewhere for cheaper… Am I in a better stead then if I was at my parents and jobless? Because I’m jobless and it seems like a sketchy reason for a real estate to put us somewhere cheaper. Yeah, we’re moving because we can’t afford to live where we are…

I may not be doing drugs anymore but I have picked up another addiction. I’ve been playing video games way too much. Instead of smoking cones day in day out to escape reality, I’ve been doing it through fictional world’s, bong being replaced by controller, both fit in my hands about as comfortably. Because that’s all my life has ever been. Looking for a way out, a way to not deal with life. All Ive ever done my entire life is stumbled through, not wanting to be there, getting picked up along the way by family. Then the moment I do have responsibilities, and I’m flung into the real world, to function like a normal human, I’m fucked. I’m scared. I’ve never grown up. I’m still a child in my head no matter how much bravado I put on, no matter how mature I seem. I’m nothing more then a parasitic child.

But this time, there is no more escape routes. There’s no more easy way outs. I’ve used up all my get out of jail free cards. That’s it. Time to face reality. Time to grow the fuck up. The world is hard, but you know what? The world will always turn whether I’m with it or not. My mum’s retired now. She can’t afford to keep me afloat anymore. This is the last time she can. She will always help me, but it’s up to me to stop draining her like a dispensable money machine.

I don’t want to be a charity case, I never have! Keep screaming kid, doesn’t change the fact that’s all you’ve ever done. Doesn’t change the fact that you decided to hide and escape instead of facing up and dealing. Do you think mum’s going to feel any better when you tell her that while she’s struggling to pay for the medication that’s keeping her alive. Fuck sake kid, your going to be 25 this year, no more fucking excuses! Stop whining about it, it’s just another excuse to not deal with the situation at hand. Who are you yelling at? Who’s listening? Fucking no one, face up to it, the world doesn’t give anyone an easy route, stop comparing. This is the hand you’ve been dealt, and if you compare it to everyone else’s on the planet, you can make some decent moves with those cards. You just have to be smart about it. You just have to start working hard. Stop being a wimp, hard work is hard, just fucking do it. This is life, be in it, stop letting it roll over you like a giant wrecking ball, take control of the truck it’s attached to. It’s possible, you can do it, you have to do it, you’ve run out of options. You know what you’re capable enough, you’ve survived far worse then this. You are a survivor not a victim. You have to fight for quality of life. Yeah it sucks but get the fuck over it! You are not the only person in the world that has to do this. We all fall, but we get the fuck back up, dust ourselves off and try fucking harder. There’s no such thing as your very best, you work to exceed that limit otherwise you are just doing your average. Think I’m tough, kid this is nothing compared to the rest of the bullshit your going to continue facing. We won’t quit though, we won’t be charity cases any longer, we have the ability and we will get through this. We will do better then that, we will start living again!

My self talk just went commando on my arse.

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “No Escape Route

  1. 😦 I’m so sad this extra stress is in your life. Now you’ve got the worry and work of a move. That always makes me exhausted.

    As someone who berates herself non-stop AND someone who’s just recognizing how bad that gets, this post really sunk in. Your words could be mine. I’m about as ruthless as you when it comes to kicking myself in the ass. While I know all too well how effective that is, I also know you can’t do it 24/7 and survive. You’ve got to find a way to cut yourself some slack.

    Kim, I’m 50 and in the same position. Without my bro, I couldn’t survive. I’d be on the streets. Or dead. Probably dead. I am scum. Even with all my bro’s help I had to borrow money from the family.

    If there’s one thing I’d like you to remember, it’s this: The entire idea of ‘making a living’ is much more difficult these days than it was 30 years ago (fuck! I can bear witness to THAT!). You’re not alone in that respect. 99% of the population of this planet struggles with money. And honey, COUNTRIES are going bankrupt. You are NOT solely to blame for this situation.

    ❤ Wishing you success, and peace.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I hold absolutely no judgement towards you or your situation. I have no idea what it’s like to be anyone other then me in this life. I hope I didn’t make you feel bad about your situation, because you have a range of different problems to me, and I know from reading your posts, you are doing what you can, and that’s important for you to keep going. Please don’t feel that my harshness was directed at anyone other then myself, I just needed to see it in front of me. And I know the situation for jobs is a lot harder now then it was back then, I know I didn’t deserve the shit I got in my last job. But I can’t keep blaming everything else for my circumstances. These words are what I need right now. There’s nothing I can do about the country, but I can start changing what’s going on with the things I have control over. I don’t want to make a living, I just want enough to live. I don’t want to rule over anyone, I just want to live within my means. A job is just a way for money for me, to buy the things that make me happy. I can’t even afford the things that make me happy, like paint or canvases, I have no choice at this point but to be this hard on myself.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You didn’t trigger me, Kim. I just recognized a lot of similarities in our self talk, that’s all. After a lifetime of beating myself, I can tell you it’s a tough road to walk. And you’re probably the only one who’s got such a low opinion of yourself.

        I’ll suggest to you there is another way you can do this. You can be kinder to yourself. I know; you think you need the tough love right now. You probably think if you cut yourself slack you won’t get anything accomplished because that’s what’s happened in the past. It doesn’t have to be that way. I know it probably seems impossible to you right now. But somewhere inside you, start to think about living your life without beating yourself up. You’ve got to believe it CAN happen before you can make it appear.

        Really sorry if that sounds like a bunch of rainbow spewed crap. I don’t want it to sound that way. I’d just really like it if you could side-step decades of self hate…something I couldn’t do. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It’s not, I know your right. And I guess you pinpointed right there. I think if I cut myself slack I’ll just slip. I don’t know how to be nice, firm and encouraging without being like this.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It’s tough. One of the first things I did, which worked well, was IOMEs. Do something you need to do, then write down a reward for yourself. Mine used to be a long hot bath with candles because I just never took the time to do that type of thing (plus it wasn’t a food reward and didn’t cost much). I found that getting several slips of paper on my desk telling me I was due a treat made it easier to give myself that treat. And that made it easier to say ‘good job’ to myself, which made me feel less like beating myself up next time. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      4. We have a service in aus, don’t know if it’s in any other country called the kids helpline, the adult version is life line. But the kids helpline gets cut off at 25, and I’m still 24. They are counsellors, I never worked with regular therapists but whenever I truly needed to talk to someone I’d call, it was never often and I found the kids line were more compassionate then the adult one, though I’ve been able to call them since I was 18. I called them today, first time in 2 years, just for guidance, for the first time they failed me, just gave me numbers for services and sent me on my way. All I wanted was help on where to start with the things I need to do. This comment, that one that you just posted, is the reason I called today, that’s all I wanted. Thankyou so much for that suggestion, it’s a good idea and I really appreciate you telling me that.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I’m happy that it helped. Airy fairy feel good shit can’t sustain long; I always think you’ve got to couple that with real, concrete steps. And I’ll always listen, and try to help you. ❤ Anyway I can.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I’m really sorry I affected you with this post… Maybe it was better if I wrote it down because I in no way wanted this post to make others feel shit about themselves. I really don’t think properly. I will probably take it down

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No, don’t do that! This was totally a post directed at yourself. I am sure that anyone reading it knows its about you giving yourself a good talking to. I think it took a huge amount of courage to post this! Please don’t delete it!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Sometimes I feel the same way. In fact, quite often. And, you know, sometimes we do need to give ourselves a good kick up the arse! I’m not saying that I agree 100% with how harshly you spoke to yourself, but I absolutely understand where that came from! We never feel good when we have to ask for help – especially from our parents who are also struggling. But you know what? You’ll be there for her some day again, and you wouldn’t hold it against her… And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t hold it against you – she loves you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks. But my life has been spent with everyone telling me to grow up, pushing me harder, not allowing me to be kind. I don’t know how to be encouraging without sounding harsh, this is me encouraging myself. It’ll be ok though, it’s never as bad as it seems.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s