No Escape Route

So this is what rock bottom poor feels like. My welfare payments, for the first time since we’ve been living here didn’t align properly with rent being due, and now even with our payments combined we cant cover our rent. And even if we did that means no money, none, for 2 weeks. Having spent the last 4 hours desperately calling services for help I had no choice but to turn to my mother. She’s paying the whole thing, so we still have both our payments to live off. I should feel good about this right? I don’t feel anywhere close to good, I feel like scum. I feel like a child who cannot handle the world. I feel like a charity case. I feel like a parasite feeding off the rest of society, still very much dependant on my host (mother/government).

I’ve realised that for the past month I’ve been living in some sort of daze, our last rent struggle left us scraping coins for a week. We were so happy that we had money again we went a bit overboard with food, with little things. It’s like I completely forgot that we could only just afford this place when I was working, what the fuck was I thinking, that even with the bills being taken care of, rent was affordable all of a sudden? I’m such a fucking moron. To have a charity tell me that they couldn’t help me because rent wasn’t sustainable in the long run, that really made me realise how dire the situation really is.

We can’t afford this place, the realisation is setting in. I’ve already cried my extent of tears this morning, now I just feel numb. Hopeless. Everything seems hopeless. Because even if we moved back in with my parents, I don’t have hope in getting a job down there. And I’d rather live with my parents then any other random fucker, already learnt that lesson once. So I guess the only hope is to rent elsewhere for cheaper… Am I in a better stead then if I was at my parents and jobless? Because I’m jobless and it seems like a sketchy reason for a real estate to put us somewhere cheaper. Yeah, we’re moving because we can’t afford to live where we are…

I may not be doing drugs anymore but I have picked up another addiction. I’ve been playing video games way too much. Instead of smoking cones day in day out to escape reality, I’ve been doing it through fictional world’s, bong being replaced by controller, both fit in my hands about as comfortably. Because that’s all my life has ever been. Looking for a way out, a way to not deal with life. All Ive ever done my entire life is stumbled through, not wanting to be there, getting picked up along the way by family. Then the moment I do have responsibilities, and I’m flung into the real world, to function like a normal human, I’m fucked. I’m scared. I’ve never grown up. I’m still a child in my head no matter how much bravado I put on, no matter how mature I seem. I’m nothing more then a parasitic child.

But this time, there is no more escape routes. There’s no more easy way outs. I’ve used up all my get out of jail free cards. That’s it. Time to face reality. Time to grow the fuck up. The world is hard, but you know what? The world will always turn whether I’m with it or not. My mum’s retired now. She can’t afford to keep me afloat anymore. This is the last time she can. She will always help me, but it’s up to me to stop draining her like a dispensable money machine.

I don’t want to be a charity case, I never have! Keep screaming kid, doesn’t change the fact that’s all you’ve ever done. Doesn’t change the fact that you decided to hide and escape instead of facing up and dealing. Do you think mum’s going to feel any better when you tell her that while she’s struggling to pay for the medication that’s keeping her alive. Fuck sake kid, your going to be 25 this year, no more fucking excuses! Stop whining about it, it’s just another excuse to not deal with the situation at hand. Who are you yelling at? Who’s listening? Fucking no one, face up to it, the world doesn’t give anyone an easy route, stop comparing. This is the hand you’ve been dealt, and if you compare it to everyone else’s on the planet, you can make some decent moves with those cards. You just have to be smart about it. You just have to start working hard. Stop being a wimp, hard work is hard, just fucking do it. This is life, be in it, stop letting it roll over you like a giant wrecking ball, take control of the truck it’s attached to. It’s possible, you can do it, you have to do it, you’ve run out of options. You know what you’re capable enough, you’ve survived far worse then this. You are a survivor not a victim. You have to fight for quality of life. Yeah it sucks but get the fuck over it! You are not the only person in the world that has to do this. We all fall, but we get the fuck back up, dust ourselves off and try fucking harder. There’s no such thing as your very best, you work to exceed that limit otherwise you are just doing your average. Think I’m tough, kid this is nothing compared to the rest of the bullshit your going to continue facing. We won’t quit though, we won’t be charity cases any longer, we have the ability and we will get through this. We will do better then that, we will start living again!

My self talk just went commando on my arse.