Moving Forward Slowly

Sometimes I wonder whether I have proper Bipolar moment or whether it’s just psychosomatic because I read what everyone else writes. I know I’ve been labelled with Bipolar mixed and II in the past and I know that Borderline also have similar patterns. And I know that mania is different to hypomania but honestly, I don’t understand the differences entirely because I’ve never experienced true mania. When doctors said indeed yes, that 2 months spent bouncing off the walls was hypomania, to me, who had never experienced anything like that before, it was on a high level of extreme. Severe weight loss, severe starvation (only because I was too excited to eat plus I didn’t feel any hunger pains), severe sleep depravity, is mania worse then that?

The only reason I’m bringing this up was because the last 4 days I was joyous, I was motivated, I was doing things, things that I’d normally find hard to do even though it was easy shit for most. Then yesterday I was like can’t be fucked but I was still happy enough. But today feels like flatness. It’s taking a lot of energy to even type this, even the thought of getting dressed seems hard. And I’m super hungry. But I still can’t compare it to those two months I spent properly hypomanic, the last few days was just me functioning. Is that just really what normal people feel, was that just a burst of excitement, nothing malicious, just the energy you get sometimes when you haven’t got a mental disorder? Is lack of motivation a symptom of depression, or is laziness just a bad habit that doesn’t have an excuse? These are honest questions. I’m floating on the border of figuring it all out but not. I feel like I’m more in the category of ok then mentally unstable, but I can’t compare anything to the past because none of that was sane or rational. So I’m constantly asking mister, I feel like this, is it normal for people to feel like this?

I’ve always said that happiness is a drug that people spend their whole life chasing. In my case it’s always been like that. Usually if I’m happy for a day, the next day is spent drained and flat, it’s a comedown off happiness as I was doing it the day before, sometimes if I’m lucky or a bit more energised it lasts more then a day. But it’s never ongoing, I don’t think it’s possible to be happy all the time. That’s why it’s like a drug, you take it (by doing something you love or spending time with people you love), you’re on it, then you comedown and the world is back to being a big pile of mediocrity, till the next Friday night, or whatever thing you look forward to that makes you happy.

Is it the extremity of the actions and comedown that makes mania and hypomania a bad thing? Because I got a job in that time of hypomania, that wasn’t bad at the time, just in the long run I guess because it’s impossible to keep that pace when you aren’t feeling that way. So do Bipolar sufferers hate the mania (hypo or otherwise) because they know it’s false excited? Because they do things they normally wouldn’t do? Or is it the comedown that is the problem? Because in all reality, I see mania as sort of an inbuilt drug that your body just pops (like an e pill) to feel better. I hope I’m not offending anyone with my drug references but a big portion of my life was spent doing them and it’s something I can relate with things now that I’m not doing them.

But did you know that people spend top dollar to buy the high of mania, so that they can experience it’s effects? People get addicted to it too, really easily. Because the only thing I can relate to my hypomanic episode was taking speed. Speed and Ice (which is the uncut version but it’s known better as meth) are amphetamines which pretty well send you into an episode, and drops you the same way in the comedown. Speed is more like a hypomanic episode, it lasts all night and probably all morning and when you’re coming down its fairly gradual till you just feel numb, flat, tired and scattered. Ice I guess I could account to a proper manic episode, it is 100 times more potent then speed, takes away all your inhibitions but not like alcohol, it tricks you into thinking you’re in complete control and just feeling so freakin good while you do silly things. It can last longer then speed but there’s no gradual comedown, it’s just you’re on it, now your not. And you feel terrible, the absolute worst feeling in the world, the more you’ve done it the worse the comedown. On top of how incredibly uncomfortable you are in your own skin it’s coupled with a deep sense of shame and hurt, and utter despair.

I’m pretty flat today, but I’m not despairing, because I still remember why I was so motivated for the past few days. I have an idea. A business idea. I’ve spent the last 5 years brainstorming everything that could get me self employed, now I finally see an idea that is so full of potential compared to anything else I’ve come up with. And I realised this idea wouldn’t of happened if I hadn’t hit my rock bottom last week and talked to myself that way. Because I wouldn’t of decided to quit smoking. I wouldn’t have re-discovered vaping, maybe I would’ve in like another few years but now is the opportune time. Vaping business, I’m going to start it as an online thing and expand from there. I have so many ideas. I believe this will work, but hey, I’m not holding myself to a high regard yet until I do it. But there are grants and courses and all sorts of help in this state for small businesses. Whether this all comes about or not this whole idea has given me hope, and purpose. No matter how huge this seems to some, please don’t burst my bubble.

This is the one time that I’ve ever felt there was a way out of this seemingly hopeless, monotonous life. There is hope. I could be brilliant as a boss. I could give people like me opportunity. I’d be helping people quit smoking. I’d be independent, it’d be my baby that I could nurture while Misters gets his honours degree.

I could once and for all show my family that I’m not useless, that I do have a hope in this world. And if I succeed, I’ll be one-up on them all!

This is the perfect song to how I feel at the moment:

 

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4 thoughts on “Moving Forward Slowly

  1. I ask the same questions. I don’t know the answers. What I do know is you should move forward with your idea. Try not to pin so many expectations on it; do what you can to keep your feet on the ground. But move forward. Give yourself the opportunity. You deserve it. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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