Without Him

I don’t know where I’d be, probably not right here…

I’m a pretty intense person. I may not seem it, and I do tend to hide behind silly shit to keep myself from sinking. But every now and then, maybe even more frequently then that, you’re going to get hit with a post like this one. I may seem like I’m fine but honestly I’m not ok right now in my life. There’s a lot of things I need to deal with but I always know I’m going to be ok because of him. At the end of the day I’m still Borderline though, and because it’s just me that’s unstable, my random bouts of intense emotion come so randomly it hurts every time. No matter the emotion, to me the intensity of them makes them all feel the same. Just raw, deep, unfathomable. And I think this time, the emotion that hit me so hard, that made my eyes tear and my heart ache, is love.

For him. For everything we’ve been through. For how my life is now. The shit he dealt with from me for the first year, for the education he skipped to look after me in my bad mental health days. I put him a year behind in his education, in his dreams that he had when he was a child. And yet he holds no anger, bitterness or resentment towards me. He still does things for me like make me coffee, rub my back every night and cooks… And I feel bad and regretful and pained because I caused someone like him so much pain. A person who’s never hurt anyone or anything in his entire life, who dedicated most his years studying to help people. All because of that song is why I feel like this.

He’s so tall and wide shouldered and manly, yet so quiet you can barely hear him, as awkward as you get around people and about as clumsy as a bull in a China shop. His intelligence is high, but he only shows it if you ask him the right questions. Never once has yelled at me in a fight, only raised his voice to normal peoples pitch tone. I can’t be angry at him, and he never really reaches a point of anger like I do. So we don’t really fight anymore, we talk it out, hug it out.

Because the fights we used to have hurt like fuck. Because if you’re with me, you feel everything I feel, which is everything to the extreme. I feed off everyone’s emotions, that’s why I don’t like spending time with people. To feel what I feel means that every bad thing that happens all feels like one excruciating void, from losing your pen to losing your pet. He pulled me out of all that just by always being calm, always shutting down, giving me nothing to argue with, making me think to communicate my point accross. I don’t know if he meant to, but he did.

The only thing I’m faced with though when I want to talk to him about anything deep I’m faced with a stone wall. It’s like he cut himself away from his emotions. He says he only thinks about the shit he needs to do. He finds it hard to emote. He’s been listening to this band called The National, quite a while before he met me, it’s his favourite band. He told me that the first time he ever heard it he cried because it was so raw and emotional, coming from an all male band. He still listens to them at every moment he can. Because that band makes him feel, and that’s why it’s hard for me to listen to, because it makes me feel too much.

Everyday I wake from a sleep of bad dreams about my life before the two years with him that I spent alone. Even with the exes, even with the friends that lasted about 2 months, I have always been alone. With him I’m finally not, with him the emptiness is subsided.

This is the song that I can barely stand to hear yet is one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard. This is a song used to communicate a point to me, I accredit a big changing moment for me after he told me to listen to it in one of the biggest fights we had.


Achievement Unlocked: Official Brag Time

I got an awaaaaared, I got an awaaaaared. La la lala la, I’m a fucking legeeeeend.unnamed (3)

No but in all seriousness, thanks heaps Lexi, for nominating me for the Blogger Recognition Award its like probably the only recognition I’ve ever had online. I’m dead serious. When I was on facebook, not many gave fucks about what I posted, even a selfie I got like 3 likes max. I thought the internet hated me but then I realised that it was actually just all the people on facebook that I knew in real life that hated me, not the actual random people on the internet. Lol.

Look, I understand why people don’t accept these awards, I mean, it’s essentially just a standard image. And in ways it sort of reminds me of chain mail spam like you used to receive in your inbox on a constant basis (like if you don’t forward this email then some dead disembodied kid is gonna climb through your toilet, poltergeist the fuck out of a chair and smash your face in with it while you’re sleeping chain mail), only it’s really polite, thoughtful and sweet (which is incredibly vomit inducing).

But since this is my first one of these after spending my entire life without recognition on a social level, I thought I’d allow myself my first brag rights. I only starting in September 2015 I now have accumulated a total of 57 subscribers which may not seem like many to some, but to me, it’s 57 more then I’ve ever had on any website, or anywhere in my life. Considering the shit I write, it’s still a lot and it still progresses along slowly. Exactly like me.

Here’s the Rules That I Have To Annoyingly Copy off Another Blog by vision with Tabs because I’m Using A Phone To Write A Blog

  • Select 15 other blogs that you would like to give this award to. You can not nominate yourself or the person that nominated you.
  • Give a brief story about how your blog got started.
  • Give a piece or two of good advice to new bloggers.
  • Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
  • Make sure to attach the award itself. Comment on each blog and let them know they’ve been nominated. Provide a link to the post award.

Ok, dem da rules. But since its me I’ll layout this blog badboy in whatever format I feel.

Select 15 people to nominate or whatever

Look, I think we all know I’m not complying with this shit. I am against selectivity like that and I can’t encourage it. So you are all nominated because there’s no way I could pick just 15 blogs I read.

However Long I Want Story About How This Blog Got Started

I’m pretty sure I wrote this in my About me page but I guess I can explain again. I was trying to find a synopsis of a horror movie I just watched, because I didn’t understand it and needed some answers. Whilst searching I stumbled across a WordPress blog that had written about that particular movie and I thought it was great and I wanted to continue receiving emails from that blog but it required me to join, or maybe it didn’t and I was just being the dumb. I don’t know, but it’s kind of ironic that the blog that made me join WordPress was the one blog I’ve ever ranted about on here Dear Elitist Horror Fan Love From The Gorehound. All of a sudden some verbal diorreah spewed forth through my fingers onto the keyboard and it’d formed itself into structured paragraphs and everything, and all of a sudden I transformed into a beautiful guttermouth blogger as opposed to me being just some chick that bitched and moaned on facebook.

Some advice from the Kim, whether it’s good or not is debatable

I’m too new and too few in numbers to give any advice. Just write, just let it flow and if you can’t, don’t stress just keep in contact with the cool peeps who like your shit always even if you post irregularly.

Oh, and for the last one. Fat fucking chance you’ll see me personally posting this on everyone’s pages considering I hate chain mail. And this is still chain mail and the last few people who sent me chain mail received aggressive fuck you emails from me so I’d be a hypocrite and it’d go against everything I stand for if I comply with all the rules of this award.

But here’s a free hug and free feel good award to anyone who wants to feel the recognition love.


Sometimes I Wanna Party Like Charlie Sheen

It’s ok, I already know how everyone feels about Charlie, he’s a moron, I get it. But at the same time, I can’t help but be a bit jealous of the man. Obviously not now considering his illness (I wouldn’t wish HIV on anyone). I mean, back in the day when he was insane. His stupidity made him oblivious to the bad shit that was happening to his body, and he had more then enough money to stop giving a fuck what people thought.

I mean, that’s about as close as you get to freedom in this world. In a way, like his catchphrase, he was kind of winning at life.

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That is, if your version of winning is living your life on crack, having two ex strippers as wives and a huge bank account. Because in all honesty, if it were me in his position, I’d probably be on the same path, because that kind of freedom, that pure irresponsibility and delusion to your actions or surroundings, sound like fucking bliss to me.

A lot of celebrities do drugs, that’s a given, but Charlie Sheen is the only celebrity that (used to) believe that his drug taking was an achievement. It is almost ridiculous how irresponsible and impulsive he is. I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar before and I am bpd, I’ve had drug issues and I am still pretty impulsive and irresponsible, and I know for a fact that normal people don’t act that way. So there is no denying he’s not normal, and it seems pretty realistic to assume he’s bipolar.

But in his eyes he’s bi-winning, lol. I think if I had that much money then I could see myself being pretty happy in my denial of reality, main one being my health which most diagnosed with a mental illness tend to deny (it also must have really pushed him back down to earth when he was diagnosed with HIV). I bet now, for the first time in his life, he has to face his mortality which he clearly forgot he had hence getting fucked up all the time and having unprotected sex.

I wonder if he’s winning now. I wonder how he’d be with his illness as well as mental disorder without all the money. I wonder what he’d be like living in the real world. Probably about as ‘winning’ as the rest of us are with a mental illness.

I personally think Charlie Sheen is hillarious though. A tragic, funny, pathetic comedy, just in his very existence. Here is a tribute song to some of the funniest shit that he has said in recent years.

You borrow my brain for 5 seconds, and just be like, “Dude, can’t handle it, unplug this bastard.” because it fires in a way that is, I don’t know, maybe not from this particular terrestrial realm.

– Charlie (Spacecadet) Sheen

The Year For Pokemon!

It’s been a while since I posted something nerdy so sorry to all my none nerdy readers who are going to have a hard time understanding this post. Though I do believe you should play Pokemon so that you can join in with what I’m talking about. :p

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So I ended up getting a Mew from our local game shop. Mew has been the 151 numbered Pokemon that you can’t catch in the game at all, only through special event. So since the first generation back in 1995 I have always needed a Mew to complete the Pokedex, I finally have one, it’s only been 20 years…

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There are two main exciting things happening for Pokemon this year. Firstly is the launch of Pokemon Go, fuck yeah I’m excited about this. The aim is that you have the app on your phone/ipad, whatever device you can use outside that has internet, looking through your phone it will project images of Pokemon into your surroundings, so if you’re looking at a tree through your phone, it may look like there’s a Pokemon sitting on that tree. So Pokemon Go is the literal equivalent of all the gameboy games, the aim is to go out and explore your surroundings whilst catching pokemon. Depending on the type of Pokemon is dependant on where you’ll find them. Water Pokemon are obviously going to be found in pools/ponds/rivers/beaches etc, bug Pokemon will probably be found in forest areas, you get the picture. Also, Pokemon are going to be allocated in certain countries, meaning that some Pokemon may only be in America or Japan etc meaning you will need to do a lot of trading online to get the Pokemon you need to complete the Pokedex, or just go to the countries and start catching pokemon (haha yeah, that’s the reason to visit overseas, gotta catch all the Pokemon). You can also battle people, I mean, it wouldn’t be a true Pokemon game without the ability to battle other people (it’s like the whole point of Pokemon), I’m interested to see how that’s going to work. In the original gameboy games if you walked past a trainer who was looking right at you then technically you locked eyes and you have to battle. Is the app going to recognise everyone else with the app and tell you to battle them? Or do you just go online in your own time and battle people on the internet? Don’t know but can’t wait to see what they do with it.

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I don’t give a shit what anyone says the Pokemon amie mini game they added was one of the best ideas ever, who the fuck wouldn’t want to pat and feed a Charizard cupcakes?! Just look at that Pikachu, it’s too adorable! I don’t understand the smiling thing but the sorting berries and bouncing yarn little games are the best, kept me amused for hours. Same with the advanced training mini games. Best ideas ever, makes everything heaps easier.

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So at the end of the year they are releasing Pokemon Sun and Moon. Apparently this isn’t a remake of gen 2 but a completely new generation entirely, gen 7. Fuck. Me. I only just learnt gen 6 and gen 5 and 4 for that matter is still shaky thank you very much. Is 720 not enough, do we need to push for the 1000s? Apparently we do as there’s already an Anime in the works for it. Oh and there’s also a Pokemon fighting game coming out for the Wii U, or it may of just been released, not sure, but it’s called Pokken, sort of like Tekken but fighting Pokemon.

Anyway, all this Pokemon stuff happening has inspired me to play ORAS again (Pokemon omega ruby/alpha sapphire) but not only that, was considering getting into competitive battling. Last time I thought I was good enough to do this just because I was good at breeding movesets, I failed miserably, probably because I’ve spent my whole life playing alone and not with other people. I didn’t know anything about Iv breeding or Ev training. But the greatest thing about the new games is that you always have the ability to play with someone now, thanks to the internet. Back in the day if you wanted to battle someone you had to stand opposite them with a cord linking your gameboy. For people like me without friends, it was impossible to evolve some Pokemon because it involved trading it with someone else or things like that. Back in the day I needed 2 gameboy, nowadays I don’t really need the second one thanks to things like online trading and Pokebank.

I’m going to leave down the team I’m currently training up. I warned you this would be a nerdy post, but hopefully I’ll tag this post correctly so that I can have some knowledgeable people comment. Please let me know where my weaknesses are, suggestions are welcomed and appreciated.

Gallade – Psychic/Fighting, Moves: psychic, brick break, shadow ball, psycho cut

Swampert – Water/Ground, Moves: surf, waterfall, dig, earthquake

Scizor – Bug/Steel, Moves: iron head, x scissor, flash cannon, venoshock

Togekiss – Flying/Fairy, Moves: fly, dazzling gleam, aerial ace, flamethrower

Cacturne – Grass/Dark, Moves: energy ball, needle arm, feint attack, dark pulse

Aurorus – Ice/Rock, Moves: ice beam, thunderbolt, rock slide, aurora beam


I Give A Shit

I thought I’d tie this post in with pictures from one of my favourite films ever, Smiley Face. I named the post after a line in the movie where Jane’s acting agent calls her the night before her Audition and asks her the line ‘well do you, do you actually give a shit?’ and Jane’s response was ‘I give a shit’. I thought it was appropriate considering the hell storm of a week I’ve had.

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I had another decent gap in posts again, but this time I’ve had a good reason. We’ve spent the whole manically cleaning because we had a house inspection sprung on us. Just got through it about an hour ago and I am fucking tired, I’ve been pushing my natural limits of effort this week.

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The real estate sent me an email on Monday night and this was also the week that mister started going back to uni. I received the email after we had gotten back from shopping, it was a good day because mister got his student grant from the government so we could pay rent easily and get a few things for ourselves. The one thing I got for myself was a dot to dot adults book, you know, follow from number one all the way to the 300s and it draws a picture, colouring books are not my thing. I was so happy I got it, so returning home to get that email after all the good was happening was pretty fucking bullshit as you can imagine. That book got me through the week that’s for sure, I’d use it as a break so I could just sit down, do a dot to dot and get back into it.

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All I wanted to do was sit the fuck down and do anything else aside from clean this week, but I barely had a chance. But at least I can sit here now in my really clean lounge room and write this post. I mean, I’ve wanted the house properly cleaned for a long while now and now it is.

I don’t usually clean but when I do it’s because I’m hypomanic and I obsess over one corner of one room.

To get all that done if you had seen the state of it and you knew me well, you’d have pretty unsure thoughts on whether I was capable of achieving what I have, and I wouldn’t blame you. I pushed myself so hard I’m running on short nights of sleep and delirium. My brain actually hurts.

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But fuck I’m relieved it’s over. I am gobsmacked at myself considering everything. And I cared enough to keep pushing myself.

I gave a shit, I give a shit.

Now all I have to do is continue to give a shit.