Without Him

I don’t know where I’d be, probably not right here…

I’m a pretty intense person. I may not seem it, and I do tend to hide behind silly shit to keep myself from sinking. But every now and then, maybe even more frequently then that, you’re going to get hit with a post like this one. I may seem like I’m fine but honestly I’m not ok right now in my life. There’s a lot of things I need to deal with but I always know I’m going to be ok because of him. At the end of the day I’m still Borderline though, and because it’s just me that’s unstable, my random bouts of intense emotion come so randomly it hurts every time. No matter the emotion, to me the intensity of them makes them all feel the same. Just raw, deep, unfathomable. And I think this time, the emotion that hit me so hard, that made my eyes tear and my heart ache, is love.

For him. For everything we’ve been through. For how my life is now. The shit he dealt with from me for the first year, for the education he skipped to look after me in my bad mental health days. I put him a year behind in his education, in his dreams that he had when he was a child. And yet he holds no anger, bitterness or resentment towards me. He still does things for me like make me coffee, rub my back every night and cooks… And I feel bad and regretful and pained because I caused someone like him so much pain. A person who’s never hurt anyone or anything in his entire life, who dedicated most his years studying to help people. All because of that song is why I feel like this.

He’s so tall and wide shouldered and manly, yet so quiet you can barely hear him, as awkward as you get around people and about as clumsy as a bull in a China shop. His intelligence is high, but he only shows it if you ask him the right questions. Never once has yelled at me in a fight, only raised his voice to normal peoples pitch tone. I can’t be angry at him, and he never really reaches a point of anger like I do. So we don’t really fight anymore, we talk it out, hug it out.

Because the fights we used to have hurt like fuck. Because if you’re with me, you feel everything I feel, which is everything to the extreme. I feed off everyone’s emotions, that’s why I don’t like spending time with people. To feel what I feel means that every bad thing that happens all feels like one excruciating void, from losing your pen to losing your pet. He pulled me out of all that just by always being calm, always shutting down, giving me nothing to argue with, making me think to communicate my point accross. I don’t know if he meant to, but he did.

The only thing I’m faced with though when I want to talk to him about anything deep I’m faced with a stone wall. It’s like he cut himself away from his emotions. He says he only thinks about the shit he needs to do. He finds it hard to emote. He’s been listening to this band called The National, quite a while before he met me, it’s his favourite band. He told me that the first time he ever heard it he cried because it was so raw and emotional, coming from an all male band. He still listens to them at every moment he can. Because that band makes him feel, and that’s why it’s hard for me to listen to, because it makes me feel too much.

Everyday I wake from a sleep of bad dreams about my life before the two years with him that I spent alone. Even with the exes, even with the friends that lasted about 2 months, I have always been alone. With him I’m finally not, with him the emptiness is subsided.

This is the song that I can barely stand to hear yet is one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard. This is a song used to communicate a point to me, I accredit a big changing moment for me after he told me to listen to it in one of the biggest fights we had.

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5 thoughts on “Without Him

  1. That’s what attracted me to Pey initially too. He was always so calm, when I knew if I were in his situation I’d have lost the plot. But things changed. We both changed. And he lost that calmness. I really hope that Mister never changes – having met him though, I don’t think he will. He is the perfect partner for you Kim. You make an amazing couple 🙂 I’m so glad you have found your perfect fit!

    Liked by 2 people

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