I woke up at 5.15am this morning, the time is now 6.30am and I’ve only just got over the morning routine of just waking up, which most involved in that is sitting with the lounge room light on waiting for the anxiety to pass. The morning anxiety had me heaving this morning, I hate it, its been happening every morning for the last month actually, since Nanna’s funeral. It’s the worst having nothing in your stomach to vomit, so you’re body is going through the motions to heave but there’s nothing coming out except for the very lining of your stomach. It feels really bad, it burns your throat something shocking and it tastes foul. There’s been no peace for me this month either, and with open house inspections happening every 3 fucking days its hard to feel secure or safe in the house anymore.
And I’m so hungry, yet I’m not. I can’t eat a whole meal in one go anymore, fuck sometimes I go days with like a packet of chips or something. It’s not because I’m worried about my body image or anything, I’m not trying to be anorexic on purpose, I can’t stand my body feeling like it’s eating itself on a constant basis. But I’m so tired, so unmotivated, that even picking up a fork, putting it to my mouth, chewing and swallowing is all too much of an effort, I just can’t, there’s no enjoyment in the process of eating anymore. I wish there was a pill you could just take that had a full meal in it, you just take 3 of those a day and you get all the shit you need from it.
Doesn’t help that I’m smoking, a lot, lots and lots actually. My tolerance is ridiculous, it is for any drug that isn’t alcohol. I need a of of painkillers to relieve my headaches, I was still freaking out even after taking a 300mg of seroquel which still took 4 hours to knock me out, trust me when you’ve gotten me at that point I’m still running from adrenalin and a little thing like medication is not going to drop me on my arse until I calm down first. And the thing is with seroquel, everyone I’ve seen take it who hasn’t got Schizophrenia or even Schizo-Affective Disorder reacts badly. They don’t like how it makes them feel, because it’s so disorientating how numbing it is, how scattered yet empty your mind is. But if I don’t take the seroquel at night, then the next day I am a mass of hypo who will just talk and talk and get really really angry if you’re not listening to every word of the verbal vomit I am spewing.
Because I have PCOS, I have no choice but to take a contraceptive because it’s used to control the hormone imbalance which is PCOS. But I reacted pretty terribly to implanon so I started the pill because by this stage I had stopped sleeping around, and was a bit more responsible about taking pills properly. Because I am on a mood stabiliser which cuts the pills effects by half, I had to be stepped up to a stupidly high dose of the pill. They usually don’t like to put girls on that dose unless its necessary. I understand why now. I missed one pill because the script ran out 1 fucking day before payday. I was safe, usually when people say missing the pill is bad is usually because pregnancy happen (which is a pretty terrible std when you’re poor) so I just assumed, we won’t have sex this week, she’ll be right. NOPE. Because of missing one pill instead of my Aunt F staying only 5 days it took over the whole red section of the month, as in 10 fucking days. And it hurt, worst cramps ever for this reason, and to top it off I was a mess emotionally. You could say hi to me in a wrong way and I’d burst into hysteria for reasons I couldn’t even explain. It was the worst thing in the world.
Do you know what’s worse then the worst thing in the world? Having to come down off it – Kim (7.02am 3rd June)
Because if my anxiety is this bad again it means my body has finally rejected this set of pills, it happens, I’ve been through a lot of medication. But that means the dreaded weening off period. The thing is with me, I’m terrible not medicated. My natural personality not medicated, is basically everything everyone hates in a person. I’ve been on mind-altering medication since I was 13, I’ve done recreational drugs all through the same time period. My personality was formed through what I was feeling on whatever medication on at the time, which ranged, so my personality kept turning into something else drastically. And then I made it worse by choosing to completely tear myself away from reality through the other drugs I chose to do.
I guess I’m writing about this because of the conversation I had with someone just new to taking seroquel. And I assured them that the feelings described were due to the seroquel, but when it comes to me, I honestly don’t think seroquel plays that much of a role. I spent most of my days stoned, or tripping, I’m always scattered, never in my head, somewhat vacant, always a base feeling of general physical grossness too. All seroquel does is put me to sleep well and adds an extra hour of space cadetness when I wake up in the morning.
Because one of my past medication experiences taught the doctors something; no matter how depressed or flat I look, NEVER take me off a depressant pill, anti depressant or anti psychotic, doesn’t matter. I need at least one depressant, or I will bounce off the walls till my body stops me entirely. I’m like a helium balloon, it may be looking pretty droopy but cut it loose from the string holding it down and even with only slight amounts of helium left it’ll fly away (I hope it would anyway, or else this whole metaphor makes me look like a fuckhead).
The doc wants to prescribe me some nexium because he’s worried I’m going to tear a hole in my guts, oh and I’m also asthmatic now, lovely. Soon with the amount of pills that I’ll have prescribed to me, the pharmacist will have to put the all into the capsule sheets for the old people that tells them when they’re meant to take their pills. I’m only 40 years early from it…
The thing is, this is not the doctors fault, it’s my own, an to a smaller degree mums. Because she hated seeing me in pain she gave me painkillers and I got put on antibiotics a lot, she didn’t allow my body to fight off little infections as a child, if I had a headache she would always give me painkillers and still send me off to school. And when she couldn’t handle me as a teenager she took me to the psych who gave me pills. Then every time I raised my voice even a little I get met with, have you taken your pills today Kim?
And that’s how I am now with mister, every time he’s in pain I stress and my first instinct is to find the pills to get rid of the pain. He grew up with a mother who thought medication and doctors were evil, and I grew up learning that all my sickness and physical pains can be easily cured with pills.
Nothing about this post is anything that makes me proud. I read it and all I think to myself is, you’re a fucking coward. There are people in pain on a constant who take less pain medication then me. My Nan, at her worst years of Rheumatoid and Osteo Athritis still refused to take any added pain killer on top of the already enormous pile of pills she had to take everyday. I am a coward, because even though I know I can take pain I will still go out of my way to avoid, I will do whatever I can to avoid reality if I really want to avoid reality.
Wanting to be out of your head is just part of the animal kingdom, because we are not the only species that purposely go out of their way to get fucked up. Look at cats and cat nip, cat nip is basically the equivalent of ecstasy for cats. The Jaguar seeks out a specific plant in Africa that acts as a hallucinogenic. Also, over here (I just recently found out) we are a big supplier of legal opium, so the wallabies (which are like kangaroos but smaller) tend to go in packs and get really high off the opium. Funny story actually, we thought we had aliens making crop circles in our farms, turns out it was just wallabies high on opium, hopping around in circles making a ‘crop circle’.
But when you are getting prescribed painkillers with codeine in them because your doctor is worried you’re abusing panadol even though codeine is incredibly addictive and is only used for extreme pain, or you’re taking 10mg instead of 5mg of valium now when you have a panic attack because of the amount of times you’ve needed to take one due to anxiety. Or you spend most of your time chasing a high because life is just too hard to do straight, then it’s not really nature anymore, it’s just a problem.
The people who talk about not wanting to go on an anti-depressant because they think it’ll change their personality really shit me. Do you really think after years and years of establishing who you that one little pill is going to change you? Don’t make me laugh, people who only need to be on an anti-depressant for 6 months to a year just to get over a small bout of depression, will never have any true understanding of what it’s like to be on a medication that literally controls what way you’ll behave in general.
Sometimes I wonder whether I was meant for this reality, because I still feel like a different breed of human, maybe I am, maybe I accidentally fell from the dimension next door into this one. It explains why I feel so alien most of the time.
Shirley Manson feels like she’s singing this song for me every time I listen to it.