I’m content where my life is right now, honestly content. There hasn’t ever really been a point where I’ve been this comfortable in a house OR relationship. Yet I have both now. I not only have a roof over my head, I have a home that feels like it was specifically built for me, for us actually. Because I have the most loving, supportive partner I can hope for.
I may not have money, but I am rich. I may lack direction, but at least I have a purpose, a reason to live. I may not have friends, but I have a soulmate.
And I’m not sentimental or sappy. I’ll still tell you to your face that all this lovey dovey bullshit makes me want to puke. But I guess this is what happiness is, appreciation for life. Ten years ago I truly did feel that way about love, about beauty. Because I honestly couldn’t see it, I never experienced it myself, so therefore it didn’t really exist to me.
Look at these annoying optimists, wish they could see that even though the glass may be half full, the liquid still tastes like shit. They must be wearing rose-tinted glasses to not notice the mass of destruction, hate, murder, rape that happens on a daily basis. Fuck those people. Fuck them all for being able to find peace in this fucked up world when I can’t.
This is a real extract from the brain patterns that I had. I was so fucking angry at the world, at people. So I shat all over the concept of optimism, of happiness, of positivity, because of all the rage, doubt and pain. I thought I was witty at the time, my intentions have never been to hurt people. But it’s only now I realise how absolutely malicious I was. I was so opinionated and judgemental, I made people ashamed of their own beliefs because my anger seeped through my words like a toxic poison that just spreads through the air and affects everyone in hearing distance to me. Because I was so hurt, I made others hurt, I made them question it all, themselves, their decisions, their morality. I was so vindictive and manipulative, but I didn’t realise that’s what I was doing. But I understand why I was like that, I understand why people didn’t like me, it wasn’t me, it was my behaviour that I myself couldn’t see.
And it’s so fucking easy to sit there and go, ‘everyone hates me and I don’t know why, I’m sad.’ Because at the end of the day you’re still not taking responsibility for your own actions, you’re merely hiding behind a wall of self defeat. It’s a safe place there, right on the bottom, it’s dark and scary but at least there’s no where farther to fall right? It may be scary in that dark pit of despair, but do you know what’s even scarier then that? Facing reality. Thinking rationally. Well, those 2 things are really hard for me anyway, beating up on myself is too easy. The reality is the world doesn’t revolve around you, you may not think you’re self centred, but you are. Because if you think that everyone hates you automatically, you must assume that you’re important enough for complete strangers to hold an irrational hatred and harsh judgement on you. I’m sorry guys but if you feel yourself realising this and you think I’m being harsh, this is nothing compared to how harsh reality is.
Facing up to reality is harsh and it’s hard, but living in reality doesn’t have to be. Do you know that no person sees the exact same colour? Or that we all may be viewing the world, literally, completely differently then the person sitting next to us (when you’re at a table or something, not in the middle of blogging). With that logic applied, there’s no reason why perseption can’t change our reality. If you perceive the world to be cruel, it is. But you also need to realise that it’s not all bad.
There is no light without darkness, no sunlight without moonlight. There is 2 sides to every coin, there is always a lesson in every mistake or accident or horrific event. There is, you just can’t see it yet. And I am talking about sexual assault too, because if my life didn’t go the exact way it did, then there’s no way I would’ve been on here, no way I would’ve understand people, never understood myself properly. I would’ve never been as strong and fearless as I am now, and I certainly would not have been as wise.
But once you face up to reality, that’s when you start healing. Because once I realised these things about myself, I started to empathise with why I made the decisions I made. I accept that I am far from perfect, that I’m emotionally volatile sometimes, that I break down, that I get hurt, that I still get lonely, that I still feel empty, that I still question it all and that it hurts still.
It hurts still.
It’s ok, we get hurt in life and as humans we scar really easily from that. It’s ok though. We all have something deep down inside us that is angry, hateful, spiteful and vengful. Sometimes we have no control over it and it does some dumb things and it leaves us confused and ashamed of our actions. But think rationally for a second, it’s controlled most of the time. It’s ok to let it out, it just wants to be heard, we all want that, be the monsters counsellor. Let it rampage and rant, then after its finally settled down, you can reassure it and put it back in its cage. Over time, the beast gets more tame, and the break outs are less frequent. But no matter what just remember, we all have something inside ourselves that can completely destroy us, we just have to treat it like the crazy volitile thing it is and still show it patience and love. Because even at your worst you still deserve to be treated with love and compassion, not just by others, but by yourself as well.
I feel bad sometimes when I’m happy, because others aren’t. Because I don’t deserve to be happy when there’s people all over the suffering. But this mindset again, doesn’t achieve anything, not for the world, not for yourself. It’s not your fault that the world is like this, and if there isn’t anything you can do then the only thing you can do is the right thing. Be a good person, lead my example.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
Because you getting angry does not take away the pain of the people suffering, it doesn’t stop wars and for very fucking certain doesn’t stop politicians from being fucking politicians. There’s nothing you can do. Accept it. Unless you are going to go sniper a president or something, your rage affects no one. This is the mantra I must say everyday.
So Kim, what the fuck does this post title even mean, what has it got to do with any of what you’ve just written about?
Pedicabo Eam means Fuck It in Latin (according to google translate, which in all reality might be so incredibly far from accurate).
But Kim, why were you even looking up Latin translations of swear words?
It’s totally not because I want to learn how to swear at someone in another language… No seriously, it stemmed from a conversation I was having with mister. Just above the back door is a wooden plack (no idea of spelling) and mister said he wanted to design a saying and family design for when we start our family (aaawwwwwwww, yes it’s sweet but I just reacted for you), because even though he’s second generation Australian, he has very strong Scottish roots, and they had a clan and coat of arms with motto. And the saying I thought of which fits us down to a T is Fuck It, and so mister thought its be super hilarious if we put the Latin translation on the coat of arms, so when people asks what it means I can proudly say ‘It means Fuck It, a very proud and traditional Kim family saying’.
And what makes this even funnier, when we were looking up the translations of other countries of Fuck It, most countries meaning of fuck it, means fuck it. Yet when it shows Australia’s meaning for Fuck It, translates as ‘don’t worry about it’, apparently. Which is exactly the new approach I am currently trying to master.
The way I see it, when you stop giving a fuck it doesn’t mean you’ve given up on life or you’ve stopped caring enough about what people say. It just means you’ve finally shed the final layer, and you’re free from the pain caused by doubt and worry over what others think about you.
And it’s totally true, life gets easier the moment you stop giving a fuck about the things you can’t change, and spend the energy giving a fuck about your own tiny existence.