No Soprano Anymore

I’m pretty sure I’ve made mention to it before, but I’ll mention it again. I sing, I’ve had 7 years training and 10 years worth of amateur (thank fuck for spell checker on that one) theatre experience.

It’s something my parents really drilled into me that I was good at, because it was a thing I showed potential in, or so my dad thought, when I was singing the Australian National Anthem, acapella, perfectly in key at the age of 5. I always wanted to be an actor, I didn’t even want to sing at the time, but mum encouraged me toward it because she said it would ‘increase my chances in the acting world if you know more then one talent’. Around that time I was forced into calaesthetics (a mix of gymnastics and dance), which I hated and blatantly refused to do. I don’t dance, I can be choreographed but it takes me a long time to learn.

The dance reason is probably one of the only reasons I don’t do theatre anymore, that and I lost my pure musical theatre voice when I started smoking.

I may not be my fathers perfect soprano anymore, I still feel like maybe my voice has worth to it. I’m a alto belter now, all of a sudden I went from quiet to loud and now it’s hard for people to be in the same room with me when I sing because it’s loud.

I’m posting something I said I’ve been wanting to do for a long while. The clip below is me, all Kim, singing Angel Of The Morning, to the backing track of some shitty karaoke version I found on YouTube. It’s filmed on my iphone, in a terrible camera position which makes the whole look of it downright embarrassing and awkward. I make a few mistakes because in all reality I still do not properly get the bridge, so see me struggle.

I’m doing this because I need to understand what I should and should not put out into the world.

I’m doing this because I would love some recognition, and the thought that the years I spent training weren’t just a waste of time.

I’m doing this to put myself out there, to say I’m ready to face the opinions of others, whether they be nice, harsh or helpfully critical.

I’m doing this to prove to myself that I was a muso once, and I loved it, and the tattoo of the treble clef and sheet music is not obnoxious or a lie.

This is pretty anxiety building for me, but I guess putting yourself out there always is. Keep in mind though that considering this is done on the shittest of shit equipment (as in no real equipment at all) if you need to criticise me on something, please just concentrate on the actual singing.

It’s ok, I’ve spent my whole life receiving constructive criticism without too much praise thrown in so I can take it.

I smirk when I know I’ve hit a bad note or didn’t do something right.

Oh, and if you don’t like the singing, I also made that large dream catcher in the back of the video on the wall.

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Use Your Logic Brain

As I write this title, I’m not sure where I’m going with it. All I know is that I have to write. Anything. Just write. Because this is the best thing I can do for myself.

It always has been.

Whenever  I didn’t have anyone at all, or I thought I didn’t, I’d always have this. This is just therapy with the most qualified therapist of them all, me.

Just me, the one thing that will never abandon me. The one thing that cares about everything. The one thing that is always working around the clock for me.

I just wish I knew a way to get the other parts of my head to stop constantly thinking the worst. I swear if you let me then I could think myself into a stroke, I feel like I’m on the verge of one most days.

Don’t be silly Kim, in no way is your stress that enormous that you could cause yourself a stroke, start putting things into perspective.

Emotional brain has controlled me the entirety of my life. I wish I knew why. I wish I understood why I feel the way I do. I wish there was an easy answer, diagnosis and pill set to get me normal again.

You’re lying to yourself again, and you know it. You know why you’re like this, you just don’t want to face up to it. This is why; because you were an only child, and although that isn’t mums fault, it is her fault for not thinking about the bigger picture of the way your life was going to span out. She was too old, she found the love of her life too late. She tried though, remember? She still feels all the pain over the twins she miscarried when you were 2. She thought that money was the ultimate stability, so did dad, she didn’t take into account though that children need their parents, babies need their parents. So she put you in childcare, from the age of 6 months. I know she didn’t want to, and she regrets it every day. But it still happened, and you never had any sort of role model to attach yourself too. So you attached yourself to anyone who would give you the time of day.

As I write this I’m starting to cry, because this is so hard to face. Too hard to face. I don’t want to face any of this…

Stop. Stop overthinking this. Stop letting the emotion take over. This is good Kim. This is a good roll to be on. Be strong. Face up. This is the start of everything. You’re back in your family home for a week, back at the start. It’s time to face up. Too many years have been spent in avoidance. Too many years have been spent pushing any good in your life away. Why do you have to keep doing this to yourself? Listen to me Kim, your logic brain. I love you. Please listen to me.

Is this even appropriate to put up on WordPress? Are people going to think I’ve cracked in some major way considering I’m talking to myself like it’s a different person? Am I losing all credibility? Respect? Humour?

You’re over thinking again. You know that it’s completely pointless, I’m telling you that it’s pointless so why must you insist on doing this to yourself? To us? Because I have to work over time to pick up all the pieces of absolute destruction you leave behind. Why must you destroy everything you touch? Why must you fight to undo all the good you have learnt? You are not stupid when you are with me here, in the logic side. You may be able to feel all the pain, and that in turn means you do have the ability to help in some way in this world. Why do you think you deserve to die for the sake of others? It’s illogical Kim, think about it. How are you meant to help anyone when you’re dead?

Why are people so hostile in expression, in tone, in typing… What do I do to deserve any of it? Why does everything hurt so much, why can’t I get rid of this anxiety, all I want is the anxiety to stop…

The anxiety never leaves, it will always remain, and no amount of pills or drugs is ever going to get rid of it. It’s there, it exists, and it’s such a useless thing to feel. You need to ignore it, you need to be strong. Not just strong, better then strong, you need to be rock fucking solid. You need to Kim, or it’s going to eat you away till there’s no logic left. And once you lose me kid, you’re fucked. You need to control emotional brain, somehow in the process of growing up, it strayed, it got infected by a whole bunch of things, mainly hate and loneliness. It’s not well Kim, I am. I am your logic brain and we can get through this. 

I love him so much. I have no idea what’s going on though. This week seems to be passing at the slowest rate imaginable. Why am I always such a fuck up? Why do I fuck up so much? How did it even get this bad? What did I do…

You didn’t listen to me, you never listen to me once your heart is set on a person. And honestly, this is something that even I struggle to understand. I mean, I understand why, what I struggle with is how I’m meant to speak up when you get like that. Emotional brain has all the power all the time, and that really scares me. Because it isn’t right. Emotional brain is usually never right. It turned against you a long time ago Kim, and since then it’s been pretending its your friend. It isn’t though, it’s sick, it’s been sick for a long time, and now it’s trying to poison you with thoughts. It’s time to let it rest now. It’s time to slow down. 

Let logic control you for now Kim, it needs to until you learn how to make us both cooperate.

My Friend Till The End

Since being on WordPress, I believe I have called myself a hypocrite on at least two occasions. I’m now going to be saying it again…

I’m a hypocrite for thinking that it’s wrong to judge things that you haven’t actually done before, and then hold on to the same irrational judgement over a game.

I am of course talking about… Minecraft…

And as I write this I realise I’ve been wrong and blind over a lot of things. And I realise that although I say that I have no ability to be anything other then myself, it’s nothing more then a lie I created for myself.

Sometimes the lie is so strong you start to believe it yourself.

Please don’t think that I’ve tried to manipulate you, my dear people that choose to read me and help with comments. The wall has only just started to crumble. And from now on, I’m going to try and be as honest as I can.

Honest with myself.

So I wanted to share with you the game that is teaching me the skills for life, the game that has so many good qualities, the game that gets judged unfairly on a constant. I guess it’s because people find it hard to see past it’s looks, and people fail to see the worth in something when there isn’t any straight forward goal.

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This is a house built in creative mode on a flat land.

Minecraft is the most truest to life simulation you can play. Unlike The Sims (which is a game where you make a ‘Sim’, build their house, force them to work and walk them through their basic human life necessities) you are the main character. You basically start in a world, depending on the seed (which is a a random code that you input without knowledge of what it’ll do) you may start in the middle of a desert, in the middle of a jungle, in the middle of a field, maybe even on a random island surrounded by water. Every time you start a new world it’ll be random, everything on it will be random including the location of the trees and the things you need to find to survive.

There are two main modes you can play Minecraft in; Survival and Creative. In creative mode you can fly, you have every block and things you can craft already at your disposal. You can build till your heart’s content because you cannot die, it’s purely another form of media for art. Survival mode however, the danger is real, you need to eat, you can’t fly and there are monsters that come out at night.

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This is a house that you can build with all the tools and resources in Survival Mode.

Asking what the point of Minecraft is, is sort of the same vague question as what’s the meaning of life? In a nutshell, all it is, is survival, I mean, isn’t that the very essence of the point of life? And I guess if you want to think about it further it’s building a life, exploring the world, taking educated risks. Because the stakes aren’t the same when it comes to life or death in this game as it is to most video games. Most video games are fantasy, when you die you just keep going, keep playing to beat the main objective which is the whole point of this game. When you die in Minecraft however, you lose your place in the world if you haven’t laid out a base with a bed to sleep in, it’ll send you straight back to where you where first placed on the map. You lose everything you were carrying, and if you don’t remember where you died, well then, if you don’t get back there you will lose your whole inventory completely unless you were smart enough to store all your precious stuff in chests. That doesn’t sound to bad right? Most likely though you were carrying your map, which means that may be gone too, so hopefully your memory is good enough, or you laid down enough torches to light your way back to base.

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As I said in the bold paragraph, just like life there are monsters who have no other purpose in the game but to attack you, and they mostly come at night, mostly.

But they can also be around during the day. Creepers are your biggest threat in Minecraft world, because they are around at any time of the day. They force you to pay attention to your surroundings, because they don’t make a noise until the fucker explodes. And depending on where you were, that creeper may have blown up the wall of your house, or exploded you off a cliff where you fall to your death. The spiders won’t attack you during the day, unless you swing at them first, but they will turn hostile at night. Zombies and Skeletons are purely out at night and as soon as sunlight hits, they catch on fire and die, but they will respawn again at night. As for pigmen and ghasts, don’t worry about them till you want to go to The End, and slimes, well, they’re adorable but they start giant and will keep splitting into smaller slimes.

Then there’s these guys:

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This is an Enderman, they are based off the concept of Slender Man (please look that up if you’re a fan of horror and have not heard about the Slenderman story)

These monsters are more there to torture you slowly, by building up a sense of unease. They make a strange little noise when they’re around, but most of the time will teleport away if they think they are spotted. If you’re incredibly OCD (like me) they will fuck with your head by taking random blocks, so if you’ve built some makeshift steps out of the mountain in dirt, or had to put up a sand wall to keep yourself safe because you are at a beach, you may notice that an enderman has moved the blocks and now there’s a gap in your steps or a whole in your wall. If you look one directly in the eye then it will go berserk, scream at you and try to kill you. And that’s totally fine because you need the ender pearl that they drop to craft stuff that you need.

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You don’t even have to make a traditional house, you can create anything you want. Like this terrifying thing. Why? Why not?

Minecraft forces you to think logically with their lack of direction. Ok, so you get dropped in the middle of a world without any tools, only a map. What do you do? Well, wood is probably a good start, go beat down a tree. That tree is going to drop a sapling so remember to pick it up and replant it, because the trees won’t spawn back naturally once you chop them down. Now, you need to make yourself a crafting table so you can make more useful things like tools. Consider the name of the game for a second; Mine, Craft. You’re probably going to need to mine to find things like coal (for torches and furnaces), stone (for basic tools and maybe a stronger base then just dirt), iron (for better tools and armour) and if you’re lucky and dig for long enough, you may come across the rarest resource in the game, Diamond.

And if you wanted to give the game an end, there is one. It is literally called The End, where you kill a massive dragon and the credits roll.

If I keep talking about this then this blog is going to be more like a novel to read. Do me a favour, if you can’t play it yourself, try and see the joy and wonder when your kids or friends play it. Because if you just take everything at face value, you’ll never discover new things.

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One Lonely Chard

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One can say it danced to the BEET of its own drum… (Insert I’m so funny self-laughter here)

We did not plant this silverbeet, it came with the house. There are no other plants in the backyard except for this one lonely thing.

And I don’t have the heart to eat it because then we will just have trees…

That’s a blatant lie…

I just don’t like the taste of it.

Uncertain – Part 2

Why are relationships so hard? And I don’t just mean romantic ones, I mean ALL of them.

I really hate the fact that I’m using the same title twice, but the truth is Uncertain went in a completely different direction to how it started, and this makes more sense to the first.

Well, it makes sense to me anyway, fucked if I know what makes sense to any one else…

I feel like every time I write something I’m deeply offending someone. I feel like, when I read things, some comments make me angrier then what another person takes it as. I feel like I’m being attacked personally when I am probably not being attacked at all.

I feel hurt when I read that someone is hurting. I feel overloaded when I get comments and people use … in a way I do not understand, as in I literally do not understand why people need to use this >… as anything other then doubt, which is how I use it. I feel like I do not have the ability to understand a joke or a metaphor. I feel like I cannot take anything any other way then literally.

I love poetry and art so much yet I do not understand it when I read it on here, I can only appreciate the beautifully structured way people write words…

I feel like a genius and a mongoloid simultaneously.

I feel like nothing changes when in all reality I’m dead scared all the time of the change that happens around me.

I feel like companionship is almost so good at the time it feels like a drug, and you always have to come down from that high, and the crash is almost unbearable.

I feel so guilty, but I know I haven’t done anything wrong.

I feel so selfless, but get told on a constant that I’m selfish.

I feel all the pain in others, yet I can never see it when it’s happening right in front of my face.

WordPress has been the one place, and I mean the only place, I’ve ever felt like I belong on. Yet at the same time I’m scared. Scared of opinions, scared of people, but most of all… Scared I’m going to convince myself that I shouldn’t be on here.

Is this it then?

Is life always going to feel this volitile?

Why can’t the psychs just give me a diagnosis? Why do I need so many sessions?

Why am I so complicating to everyone? Am I speaking a different, incompatible version of English?

Is this all worth it? Am I worth it?…

I just want to know what’s wrong with me…

Uncertain

This is about as serious as I get, I can’t even think of anything witty at this point in time… Even the title is short and fitting.

Sometimes I wonder why people read me at all. I’ve gotten before because I challenge points of view, but is that in a good way? Because my head turns it into a self defeatist spiel of, people must take pity on me then, which is a really dumb and arrogant thing to think considering this is the Internet.

I wrote a post a few months ago stating I was sick of being viewed as cute, small and useless. Something must of happened to my face or something because people get the fuck out of my way now. My mum is also worrying that my brain has snapped and I may go on a murder spree because I bought a bow (you know, the archery kind, not the murder kind).

It’s ok, I get that what I just wrote is really not funny. The reason I got a bow is because I’ve always been in to archery. I may have sucked at sport but I’ve always been accurate, I love darts for the same reason.

I guess that I’m so easily influenced by what every person says or feels at the time, that I’m questioning my own principals again…

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Believe me when I say I do try every day to see the beauty in the world, and most of the time I do now. I’m far from dead inside, in fact, quite the opposite. My internal flame is burning so strong that I’m being destroyed from the inside out.

My grandmothers are like chalk and cheese. My fathers mother will be forever remembered as a Saint, a living, breathing, Saint, as dubbed by the church. Not one but 8 priests showed up to her funeral to pay their respects, they travelled from all over the country. The church was filled with people, the service wasn’t long enough for everybody who wanted to speak about her.

She was a saint because she martyred herself everyday for the sake of others. She grew up in a harder time, where at 6 she was forced to do chores like chop wood for her father. Because of doing such hard labour from a young age it pre-disposed her to arthritis, osteo and rheumatoid. Her life has been spent in pain, though she would never let you know the state of the agony, as she got older though the harder it was to hide how much pain she was in. She would invite junkies off the street, at risk of her own life, because they needed somewhere to go. She would speak with everyone she met, she would pray for you because she cared about you. It was endearing the amount of her emotional state she would give away for the sake of letting others have a voice.

She lived to serve God, and in my opinion, she was the exact definition of a Saint. There was no hell in her mind, only heaven, only forgiveness.

My mothers mother on the other hand, was a bitter, twisted old woman, who used the bible to mould her hateful, ignorant world views. She destroyed lives, she lived to judge and condemn.

I know there’s a fine line I’m walking in my head, everyday I channel them both. One, to remind me of my ability to make a difference in this world, and two, to remind me to regularly check the chains holding the beast within myself.

 

The Pokemon Go Revolution

Most of these photos are from google images, for my own sake I will not post screen shots of my own game because, duh, it’s a fucking map.

Anyone who can see my gravatar image can assume I am a Pokemon fan, any person who’s been around my blog for a while knows for a fact I am a Pokemon fan. And to all of those people, you know this post was coming.

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On July the 6th, 2016, they uploaded the beta version of the game to Japan, Australia, New Zealand and I think a couple of others. For once America was not the first to play something. They did this without telling anyone they had, so it was a complete surprise to me when I was scrolling through the app store (looking for more games for the ipad) and Pokemon Go was listed on the homepage. They did this on purpose, because the first people to download it turned into the beta testers.

I had been following the progress of the game since I knew of it’s existence, it was looking to be epic, but I couldn’t figure out how they were going to make it work. 

This game is pretty special to Gen Y, considering Pokemon came out the year I was born (1991) and we watched the series growing up. I grew a special connection to the main character, Ash Ketchum and his Pikachu. All I wanted at 6 years of age was to be a Pokemon trainer, travelling the world and catching all the Pokemon, I wanted Pokemon to exist, and I wasn’t the only one. Fast forward 20 years and finally we have our Pokemon in real life now! How amazing is that?!

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I called this post the Pokemon Revolution for a reason, because in my opinion it has revolutionised gaming. Gen Y was considered the lazy generation, couldn’t get off our arses, glued to the tv and our gaming consoles. And guess where we all are now… Walking the fuck outside, doing exactly what our parents wanted us to do when we were young. This game has tricked gamers into exercising, at the moment, with this game still in beta version (or not with this new update), it is so bare bones that it is nothing more then a glorified pedometer app. This game gives you exercise goals with it’s egg hatching requiring you to walk a certain amount of kms for certain eggs to hatch. This is a feature straight from the nintendo games themselves, considering that every game you get given an egg that you need to hatch, and the egg requires a certain amount of footsteps before it’ll hatch. In the Nintendo games you also have the ability to breed your Pokemon which also gives you an egg that you need to hatch (there has been talk that they will be adding in a breeding element update down the track).

I’ve met some funny people while playing this game, I’ve made a fool of myself in public more times then I can count. I’ve had people approach me to ask about the game, I’ve connected in different ways to members of my family due to this game. Unlike most games, Pokemon Go is for EVERYONE. You don’t need to know what they are to collect them, you don’t need to be a master gamer to beat a gym leader.

I’m not going to blatantly say that there are no dangers to this game, there are. But fuck me, life is dangerous in general! You risk horrible things happening to you every time you leave the house. People ruin things for everyone else, it’s just what we do. If you use common sense though, like not walking in front of cars like a phone zombie, or not walking alone in the dark, then you’re probably going to be ok.

Oh, and to those think that this app was meant for children, don’t be silly, it was made for my generation, it was made for the kids who grew up and shaped the gaming community as we know it. This is our reward for our loyalty to a series that shaped our childhood.

I’m going to put a review up, it may be from Hot Pepper Gaming but it still explains this game better then I can.

The Pokemon Revolution 1991-2016

teamvalor

Oh, and TEAM VALOR FTW