Guess who’s back, back again. Kim is back, tell some… people

So, I know I’ve been in total avoidance for a couple of months now, so I know this post will probably do shitty. It’s fine, I blow shit up in the most extreme ways I can, so I know how to clean up after myself.

This is the first step to clearing up the mess, talking to people again, because it’s clear that I go completely batshit crazy without this website.

I’m off my meds guys.

Off. My. Fucking. Meds.

charliesheensmokinggif.gif

I’m probably going to be a similar Kim to what I was but in all reality, I didn’t even know who the real Kim (Shady) was.

But Kim, why are you off your meds? Don’t you remember your number one quote of Medicated for Your Protection. What happened to complacency with feeling semi-depressed all the time?

Do you know what I’ve just realised? I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life controlled by meds, I’ve  had them handed to me since 14 in attempts to shut me up and stop me doing the recreational drugs (weed).

I didn’t realise up until now how fucking numb I was, considering I had all of the emotion in the world. I am back to feeling 10 again, which is apparently the year I got my period…

Fuck me, no wonder I seem so fucking old to people, my body hasn’t ever been young. So much trauma I completely forgot about is back. I cannot leave the house because I’m scared of the interactions with people. The anxiety is so terrible and it’s so cold that I constantly need to sit on the toilet or have showers.

That didn’t explain anything did it?

I’m off my meds because it’s time for a proper assessment with the psych, where they talk to my parents and all the works. Apparently I need to be off any anti-deppressent or mood-stabiliser but for now I can take seroquel to ease the anxiety. It’s cool though, I’ve been to that many I already know what they want to know so I’m going to type it and give them my whole timeline in point form. I will do whatever it takes to get them to listen to me this time, even if that means torturing my mind up until that point. Every doctor I’ve met here is good to me though. They are listening to me.

The diagnosis that every doctor has put forward to the psych has been ADHD not BPD or Bipolar. The reason why they didn’t diagnose me with this originally is because; a I’m not a bratty male who showed signs from an early age, girls have different symptoms and b apparently I’m way too high-functioning. They also think, due to the PCOS and all, that my brain is constantly stuck in a flight or fight response, even without any danger around. It used to be stuck in fight all the time, but not anymore…

They think I’m smart. They believe that a lot of my issues stem from intelligence because of how fucking perceptive I am. They thought I was a medical student considering this is a university town. Makes a lot more sense then BDP or Bipolar because nothing about me cycles, it just is. I think A LOT. I talk A LOT. So when I’ve overloaded my brain with too much knowledge, I slink away and break. But then I come back.

Just metamorphosing, babies.

I’m not depressed though, far from it. I’m hormonal as shit and that’s where the negative emotions stem from, but I’m not depressed… Maybe a little bit sad, but I don’t have time for it. I’ve never had time for anything or anyone. Patience, that’s a word I never really figured out. And my brain has finally woken up after its 10 year zombie mode.

It’s scary. I’m scared. Worse then fucking ever. I can’t do anything at all right now except type, the only thing that centres my thoughts.

It was also a lot harder then I thought to write creatively then I first thought too. So to all the people who cared about me and wondered where I went, I’m back, and I’m broken and I’m so sorry that I didn’t keep up with anything.

I’m still just a fucking wanderer at the end of the day. Not too sure on what I need to do…

This is about as close as it gets to how confused my head is right now.

This series.

Don’t hug me, I’m scared.

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9 thoughts on “Guess who’s back, back again. Kim is back, tell some… people

  1. I’m glad to see you back, Kim. It’s amazing that after all these years, every doctor is suddenly putting forward the diagnosis of ADHD, not BPD or bipolar. I wish you all the best as you grow through this transition period without anti-depressants or mood stabilizers. I can’t imagine how scary it must be to be off those meds after 10 years of being on them!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks heaps Magarisa, you never fail to make me feel better when you comment on my posts. I guess it’s because I came at them with all the research done, I explained how I got diagnosed and how I was acting, how my parents affected my development, how I acted as a child. Its scary, it’s scary to feel, it’s scary to know that I was never experiencing as much as what others were, my emotionals are greyscale now, not so black and white. Thanks again for the comment, I really appreciate it 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome, Kim. You did all of the work for these doctors…I hope they realise how spoiled they are. 😉 I’ve been on anti-depressants for over a decade, and overall, they’ve done a good job stabilising my moods. However, I don’t feel as deeply as I used to…I would be scared shitless to go off my meds! You’re welcome again. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The way I see it, who gives a shit about the label just as long as you’re ok, right? If you’ve found meds that work for you then why rock the apple cart so to speak. It’s a lot easier to empathise and help people when you’re brain is at least 50% logic.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey there! It’s good that you’re back! This line stuck out at me:

    “They think I’m smart.”

    Something that I frequently do is deflect positive comments or praise directed at me, even when it’s allegedly deserved. Do you find yourself doing this as well? I only ask because you write words gooder than other people and can express yourself quite intelligently.

    If the question is too personal I understand if you don’t want to respond to it. Talking about deserved accolades is something I’ve always found uncomfortable.

    At any rate, it’s good that you’re writing again. I really do hope it gives you the ability to manage your thoughts. Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks heaps for the comment, and I’m happy to answer your question. I have always found it hard to accept praise about myself, but I know it stems from many places, main one being my father who is a hard worker but also hard on himself. It also stems from childhood where I was forced to believe I was wrong, when I was just different. I hope this answers it, one thing I do know is that if you have doubts, it means you’re smart enough to realise no one is perfect, and nothing will ever be perfect. There’s nothing wrong with doubt but it’s always a fine line between confidence and arrogance, I’m just still struggling to find the line. Thanks for your comment, this reply was inspired by one of your blogs I read this morning too.

      Liked by 1 person

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