Uncertain – Part 2

Why are relationships so hard? And I don’t just mean romantic ones, I mean ALL of them.

I really hate the fact that I’m using the same title twice, but the truth is Uncertain went in a completely different direction to how it started, and this makes more sense to the first.

Well, it makes sense to me anyway, fucked if I know what makes sense to any one else…

I feel like every time I write something I’m deeply offending someone. I feel like, when I read things, some comments make me angrier then what another person takes it as. I feel like I’m being attacked personally when I am probably not being attacked at all.

I feel hurt when I read that someone is hurting. I feel overloaded when I get comments and people use … in a way I do not understand, as in I literally do not understand why people need to use this >… as anything other then doubt, which is how I use it. I feel like I do not have the ability to understand a joke or a metaphor. I feel like I cannot take anything any other way then literally.

I love poetry and art so much yet I do not understand it when I read it on here, I can only appreciate the beautifully structured way people write words…

I feel like a genius and a mongoloid simultaneously.

I feel like nothing changes when in all reality I’m dead scared all the time of the change that happens around me.

I feel like companionship is almost so good at the time it feels like a drug, and you always have to come down from that high, and the crash is almost unbearable.

I feel so guilty, but I know I haven’t done anything wrong.

I feel so selfless, but get told on a constant that I’m selfish.

I feel all the pain in others, yet I can never see it when it’s happening right in front of my face.

WordPress has been the one place, and I mean the only place, I’ve ever felt like I belong on. Yet at the same time I’m scared. Scared of opinions, scared of people, but most of all… Scared I’m going to convince myself that I shouldn’t be on here.

Is this it then?

Is life always going to feel this volitile?

Why can’t the psychs just give me a diagnosis? Why do I need so many sessions?

Why am I so complicating to everyone? Am I speaking a different, incompatible version of English?

Is this all worth it? Am I worth it?…

I just want to know what’s wrong with me…

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11 thoughts on “Uncertain – Part 2

  1. 😦 Really sorrowful to read this from you. If I ever used a metaphor or … and you didn’t get it, I apologize. My bro tells me I’m far too poetic to be clearly understood.

    Yes, you are worth it. In no uncertain terms. Your journey might head off at a right angle; it’s still your journey, and worth every step – because you’re worth it. Remember that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well, I’m happy that you found WordPress. I feel stupid at times as well, especially when I miss something that someone tells me is obvious. Part of me wants to say that if it was obvious, why did I miss it? Intelligence can be brutal, because you’re more likely to notice things as well as the absence of things. So it can be frustrating that you can easily pick up some things and not pick up other things. Or, at least that’s what goes on in my head.

    As for whether or not you’re worth it all, the answer is yes. I can definitely say that your point of view is invaluable to me. While you might not always be able to remember how valued you are, try to remember to be gentle with yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel the same way about poetry all the time. I write simplistic and very straightforward because that is what I understand. There is one poet I follow on here, I have no idea what is going on half the time but I love the word combinations. I think we all question our own worth from time to time. We all wonder if we can relate to others. Of all the issues you may or may not have, difficulties in relating to people is surely normal.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for stopping by, I really appreciate you taking the time to write this. I guess relating to people has always been hard, but I’m learning how to cope better. Was just not feeling good about it last night.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I really enjoyed reading something so honest and raw. Writing doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful…if that makes sense. A lot of the world likes to pretend that everything is great and happy. All power to them. But it takes someone really brave to admit that not everything is okay 100 percent of the time. And you are a much stronger person than you probably think because of that.

    Liked by 1 person

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