As I write this title, I’m not sure where I’m going with it. All I know is that I have to write. Anything. Just write. Because this is the best thing I can do for myself.
It always has been.
Whenever I didn’t have anyone at all, or I thought I didn’t, I’d always have this. This is just therapy with the most qualified therapist of them all, me.
Just me, the one thing that will never abandon me. The one thing that cares about everything. The one thing that is always working around the clock for me.
I just wish I knew a way to get the other parts of my head to stop constantly thinking the worst. I swear if you let me then I could think myself into a stroke, I feel like I’m on the verge of one most days.
Don’t be silly Kim, in no way is your stress that enormous that you could cause yourself a stroke, start putting things into perspective.
Emotional brain has controlled me the entirety of my life. I wish I knew why. I wish I understood why I feel the way I do. I wish there was an easy answer, diagnosis and pill set to get me normal again.
You’re lying to yourself again, and you know it. You know why you’re like this, you just don’t want to face up to it. This is why; because you were an only child, and although that isn’t mums fault, it is her fault for not thinking about the bigger picture of the way your life was going to span out. She was too old, she found the love of her life too late. She tried though, remember? She still feels all the pain over the twins she miscarried when you were 2. She thought that money was the ultimate stability, so did dad, she didn’t take into account though that children need their parents, babies need their parents. So she put you in childcare, from the age of 6 months. I know she didn’t want to, and she regrets it every day. But it still happened, and you never had any sort of role model to attach yourself too. So you attached yourself to anyone who would give you the time of day.
As I write this I’m starting to cry, because this is so hard to face. Too hard to face. I don’t want to face any of this…
Stop. Stop overthinking this. Stop letting the emotion take over. This is good Kim. This is a good roll to be on. Be strong. Face up. This is the start of everything. You’re back in your family home for a week, back at the start. It’s time to face up. Too many years have been spent in avoidance. Too many years have been spent pushing any good in your life away. Why do you have to keep doing this to yourself? Listen to me Kim, your logic brain. I love you. Please listen to me.
Is this even appropriate to put up on WordPress? Are people going to think I’ve cracked in some major way considering I’m talking to myself like it’s a different person? Am I losing all credibility? Respect? Humour?
You’re over thinking again. You know that it’s completely pointless, I’m telling you that it’s pointless so why must you insist on doing this to yourself? To us? Because I have to work over time to pick up all the pieces of absolute destruction you leave behind. Why must you destroy everything you touch? Why must you fight to undo all the good you have learnt? You are not stupid when you are with me here, in the logic side. You may be able to feel all the pain, and that in turn means you do have the ability to help in some way in this world. Why do you think you deserve to die for the sake of others? It’s illogical Kim, think about it. How are you meant to help anyone when you’re dead?
Why are people so hostile in expression, in tone, in typing… What do I do to deserve any of it? Why does everything hurt so much, why can’t I get rid of this anxiety, all I want is the anxiety to stop…
The anxiety never leaves, it will always remain, and no amount of pills or drugs is ever going to get rid of it. It’s there, it exists, and it’s such a useless thing to feel. You need to ignore it, you need to be strong. Not just strong, better then strong, you need to be rock fucking solid. You need to Kim, or it’s going to eat you away till there’s no logic left. And once you lose me kid, you’re fucked. You need to control emotional brain, somehow in the process of growing up, it strayed, it got infected by a whole bunch of things, mainly hate and loneliness. It’s not well Kim, I am. I am your logic brain and we can get through this.
I love him so much. I have no idea what’s going on though. This week seems to be passing at the slowest rate imaginable. Why am I always such a fuck up? Why do I fuck up so much? How did it even get this bad? What did I do…
You didn’t listen to me, you never listen to me once your heart is set on a person. And honestly, this is something that even I struggle to understand. I mean, I understand why, what I struggle with is how I’m meant to speak up when you get like that. Emotional brain has all the power all the time, and that really scares me. Because it isn’t right. Emotional brain is usually never right. It turned against you a long time ago Kim, and since then it’s been pretending its your friend. It isn’t though, it’s sick, it’s been sick for a long time, and now it’s trying to poison you with thoughts. It’s time to let it rest now. It’s time to slow down.
Let logic control you for now Kim, it needs to until you learn how to make us both cooperate.