Illuminati Confirmed!

Ahahahaha, I love saying that. The Illuminati conspiracies are my favourite.

But really, my youtube feed has been bombarded with a particular singer of late, someone that I’m so glad I found.

That Poppy.

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This is Poppy. She is an art project who has managed to infiltrate a major record label (Island Records) with her over the top creepiness and blatant conspiracy-theory satire.

You have no idea how happy it makes me to see things like this. To go with her current pop music hits that she has on Vevo, she also has her own Youtube channel that consists of really strange, well, not really anything that’s easily explainable.

Here’s an example of said weird videos;

Her creator is Titanic Sinclair, he is a director as well as a musician with his end goal seeming to be to take the piss out pop culture and the mainstream music industry in general.

This guy… Genius. As I said, shit like this makes me happy, because it confuses the ignorant, which is amusing, while in turn makes important jabs towards what’s wrong with our culture as a whole. The fact that a major record label has also jumped on board with it is refreshing, and gives me a bit of hope that the future of pop music isn’t entirely fucked.

poppy-money

Even the lyrics to a few of her songs are pretty over the top, and shed some light on how Titanic feels about the industry and its capitalist nature and overall just makes some obvious digs at the mind-numbingness of pop music;

When I was a little girl

I used to think I was wrong for wanting diamonds and pearls

I never had anything no Chanel or Tiffany like all the popular girls

They say the best things are free but I don’t get what they mean

Cause I want everything

Gimme some of that cold cash

I want to stuff it in my couch

C’mon bring me those big stacks

I need them bricks to build my house

Give me all of that, all of that til the ATM runs out

If money can’t buy happiness then why is it so fabulous?

(*Money – That Poppy)

Everybody wants to be Poppy, Poppy

Everybody wants to be

Everybody wants to be Poppy, Poppy

Everybody wants to be someone else

All the people all around want to know

What to look like, what to think, where to go

But I don’t know, I don’t know

I don’t know what to think anymore

I’m not here to tell you, what to say or be

Why does everybody look just like me

(*Everybody Wants To Be Poppy – That Poppy)

Even in her hit song Lowlife, Titanic ironically sets up the whole scene with as many conspiracy references as possible with the very first frame having Poppy in the Baphomet pose with a pyramid with the eye of providence behind her (its a devil and illuminati reference in one!)

I love it when art projects and opinions are taken to a mainstream level. I love that it has people talking and thinking about it. Everything about the channel and the character, down to the non-aligning dates of when the Youtube channel was made to the eerie hidden messages in the Poppy videos themselves are so well thought out and on purpose, it adds a whole new layer of intrigue and mystery. You can’t even find information on the actress who plays Poppy, that’s dedication to a role.

Her songs a kind of, poppy too.

In My Darkest Hours…

I don’t turn to music, I turn to cartoons.

I turn to visual media, I turn to art. Cartoons are an art form, no matter what anyone says.

I’ve always felt comfort in cartoons, in viewing over hearing. I’ve always been the type to analyse everything I watch. And finally they’ve made a cartoon that gives me more then I can even analyse on most days, well, in recent times I mean.

This isn’t a review.

I just merely wanted to write about a show that I can continue to keep re-watching, and still gain a different meaning every time from…

I’m talking about Rick and Morty.

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For anybody who hasn’t seen it, at face value it’s just another cartoon with some eccentric, dysfunctional main characters who go on adventures and is overall an entertaining, funny, somewhat offensive animation. But to anyone who has actually watched it, it’s the most philosophical, nihilistic cartoon created.

We place so much meaning on life, we spend our existence finding a purpose, living the best way we can. I don’t believe at some point or another that no one has thought about the why. Why are we here? What is the point of it all. 

What if I told you that the point is there is no point? What if we are nothing more then a microverse created to power a car battery? (Season 2, The Ricks Must Be Crazy)

Rick and Morty constantly challenges your point of view on everything, life, ethics, the universe. Rick is a reckless, nihilistic scientist, so void of happiness that most of the time he is completely morally corrupt. Morty is just an average teenage boy, so easily manipulated by his grandfather.

This show makes no point in trying to hide opinions, or throw situations at you that make you somewhat question your own morale beliefs. In other words, the creator gives no fucks if this show offends you.

delicate-sensabilities

(I know, the terrible spelling in this meme is bothering me too.)

Even though the message is bleak in most episodes, there are still words of wisdom that can be drawn upon and learnt by.

rick-advice

There really isn’t too much of a point to this post. I guess I’m just in a deep reflective point in my life. The thing is, the way I see it, what Rick believes isn’t wrong, and holds a lot of truth behind it. It’s the truth though that no one really wants to face up to.

love-doesnt-exist

That life is essentially pointless, that we are nothing more then tiny ants in the grand scheme of the enormity of our universe. That there is so much we will never get to see and experience, and what we will experience is nothing more then trivial motions that we go through to keep up with how society dictates we should act.

I don’t see the nihilistic view point as negative. Because it makes you start thinking further then just the giant sand box we all live in. Because if there isn’t really a meaning to life, why not try and explore further then Earth? Why is our own narcissistic ideas on giving meaning to our own lives the be all and end all? Is it really such a terrible thought to know that we aren’t really that special, and that we’ve still got so much to learn?

That maybe we aren’t alone in the universe, and no I’m not just referring to ‘aliens’.

That maybe the views we’ve come to learn and take on (God) is nothing more then an idea we created for ourselves to make this life more comfortable and meaningful? Although I may be agnostic, this is still an idea I debate in my head.

Do these ideas scare you?

If so, do you ever ask yourself why they do?

Because there isn’t anything wrong with thinking, with questioning. If people didn’t choose to break the mould and think about the hard stuff that we never really would of progressed as a society.

But I guess if you feel yourself getting worked up over this post, because I’m questioning your beliefs, or throwing you out of your comfort zone, then I guess…

dont-think-about-it

 

I’m So Dizzy

So I went to go fill out my script for seroquel yesterday…

I have a tendency to lose things. Scripts are one of those things. I know, I know. But I found 3 for the seroquel. One was from my old doctor in Melbourne, first given in February 2015, and the other 2 from my current doctor. The problem with the current scripts are that for one, he filled out my concession card number wrong on the script, and two, the box hasn’t been ticked to get it under concession rate.

Oh, and because ex was not given a concession card when we were in a relationship and was put onto mine, he decided to take it, the reason he was on mine and not his own is because I have a pension card, it’s what you get when you’re either retired or need medical help.

My god was I treated like a junkie by the pharmacists. I showed them the scripts, and they questioned why I had that many scripts, that I can’t prove that I’m not working without the card. And because all of a sudden they’ve cracked down on anti-psychotics, I’m now just a common junkie, using seroquel for recreational purposes, because I’m not Schizophrenic.

Ehhh, denied.

The worst part is there wasn’t a lot I could do on a Sunday, the doctors I see aren’t open, I also couldn’t go to Centrelink and get a temporary card to prove I have one.

So last night was the first night without seroquel, again, I know I went without for like 3 days when I weened off the lamotrogine, but considering the different stresses I have, it feels so much different this time.

I’m so fucking dizzy.

Really. I haven’t really had a reaction like this before, and I’m a fucking trooper at dealing with drugs, of all kind. I mean, my tolerance is waaaay too high for my age, and I’m also used to feeling like shit most of the time. And as I write this, the laptop is staying on my lap, but the rest of the world is swaying to the left. Same with when I was watching the tv, it stayed still, but the rest of the world sways.

He is also procrastinating sending back the form to get off the lease.

So Centrelink assumes we are still in a relationship. Which means our payments are cut. Which seems to be fine for him. But I’m barely getting by. I need my full pay, I can’t organise shit though until he does this one thing…

I CAN’T DEAL, I FUCKING CAN’T. WHEN IS THIS GOING TO GET EASIER, WHEN IS ANYTHING I’VE BEEN DOING LATELY GOING TO MATTER?!

I’m sorry for caps locking, I was shouting and that’s pretty rude… But I’m really not coping again, and I don’t know whether it’s just today, or the lack of meds, or what I’ve been doing lately. Talking to guys on dating sites. I feel stupid for even trying, because no one really cares. And the ones that do are clingy and expect replies. And then there’s the utter confusion with the others in my life.

Why? Why am I doing it when I clearly don’t want to maintain anything or talk. Why am I so easily manipulated all of a sudden? Where is my lack of ability to just say fuck you, and not just try and appease everyone?

Why am I so confused in the relationships I’m trying to maintain. Why am I being so shit at communicating?

Where is my aggression? Where is my fire? Where is all the things that made Kim, KimCasualty, the chaotic warrior I created for myself to cope with this life? 

All I feel is sadness, all the time. I feel so weak and useless. I want to be alone, yet at the same time I’m so lonely.

I don’t want to talk, but I do want to talk. But it’s effort. I used to be an absolute chatterbox, I used to dominate every conversation, to the point where it probably annoyed everyone. 

But I have nothing to say anymore. I don’t know what to say anymore. My mind is blank and black, it used to be loud, now there’s nothing.

Everyday is a battle, I’m not just speaking about me. Everyday we have to fight to keep up our responsibilities, to be nice when we socialise, to be normal and functioning. Everybody has their armour to face the day, music, the clothes we choose to wear, makeup, a whole bunch of shit.

I feel naked.

I go out into the world without any confidence or armour. I am not getting any joy from anything, I’m just going through the motions. Holding back the tears that are just ready to pour out.

And I know this is a stark contrast to my last post, but this is who I am, a stark fucking contrast to every side of myself.

In this break, I have 4 drafts sitting on here. Proof that I’ve tried to write and just having no thoughts in my head to write.

But I guess this is me breaking through again.

I need this. I need to write.

I wanted my brain to stop, and I got exactly what I wanted. 

Be careful what you wish for.

Because I really need myself right now, but it feels like the best parts of me left ship, abandoned me.

This is only for now though..

It’s going to be ok…

Hold on. One hour at a time. Just got to keep surviving.

Get me out of here…

 

Out Of Hibernation

It’s so hard to start over.

But I guess the first step is always the hardest.

It feels like the first post again. Wondering what I should write about, wondering what it even means to blog. The reason it feels like the first time again, is because I am back in a situation that I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be back in.

It’s only now that I realise how much of a delusion I was living in…

Single.

Alone.

All by myself.

I don’t know why I attached such a stigma to it. Because this is the ultimate lesson for me, facing up. Not just saying that I am, not just forcing myself to believe I am.

I guess it takes losing something to make you realise what you had. But in saying that, it also makes you realise what you didn’t have, who you are and what you were actually looking for in the first place.

What the fuck actually happened?

Where was the point in time where I threw away all of what I was? Who was I? Because current Kim, at this exact moment in time, doesn’t even recognise Kim of 2 months ago. It’s like watching a depressing, poorly made film of a relationship nearing death. Now that it’s over, I can replay that last month for what it truly was.

Like watching a car in slow motion, colliding with a freight train.

It was never salvageable, clear as day to anyone witnessing it, but not to me. I was wearing rose tinted contacts, that somehow got put in when I wasn’t aware. Surely to fuck that is what it was, please don’t tell me I voluntarily put on the glasses.

Face up, you put those glasses on right at the very beginning.

The last few weeks I have spent in the dark, playing video games, watching Netflix, cutting myself away from certain music, shielding myself from everything that had a memory attached to it. It was sad. I was sad. But that’s ok. I have a right to feel like this. Fuck, I’d be a robot, or have a severe lack of empathy, to not be sad over the ending of a relationship I put 2 and a half years into.

I swear I’m not a bad person.

No, I know I’m not a bad person.

Everything ends.

But everything can always begin again.

I’m not talking about relationships.

I’m talking about me.

No person will ever cause the death of my soul. I am a survivor. I am in all ways flawed, but in saying that, I am at my highest capacity of learning. Because after pain comes the healing, but in between that, the reason behind the lesson, and the brief moment of understanding and clarity.

People care about me, and for once I don’t question it. I’m just thankful for it. But not bewildered by it, because there’s nothing wrong with who I am. Why wouldn’t people care about me?

I’m learning how to drive, one of my biggest fears, manual not auto.

I’m walking everywhere.

I’m painting again.

img_0569
See Kim? The creativity did not get murdered, like you seem to think it did.

I’m doing the right things. And although I may not feel anything other then flat right now, I will go through all the motions until it finally feels good again.

Because it is good, even though I don’t feel it yet, doesn’t mean it is any less good. At least logic brain has decided to step up, while emotional brain is still in a deep rest. Don’t read into it, emotional brain needs the rest, it has worked overtime the entirety of my life.

It’s going to be ok. Better then ok. Soon we will graduate from just surviving, to living.

Listen to the music again, face up to the pain, embrace it, learn.

Well they get what they want, and they never want it again.

Go on take everything, take everything, I want you to.

Broken – In Rememberance 

I don’t even know if I spelled the title write. 

I don’t really know if I’m going to be able to string this post together with the works of bold and italics and all that.

And even though I feel incredibly broken at this point in time, I will still post today.

It’s the 10th over here, and from what I’ve heard it’s National Suicide Prevention Day.

I’m writing this to honour the memory of Blahpolar, who committed suicide a few days ago… I didn’t know Blah outside of WordPress, and honestly, I was probably not really too important in the community. 

But I did comment on her work, not too regularly but when I could.

She was one of the first people I had found in the community. Her words were wise, and I enjoyed reading what she had to say.

It was clear that life was far from easy for her, something that I in a country like I’m in, failed to understand. And I took it for granted…

I had no idea that this was the way she was heading, but by the sounds of it, I don’t think anyone really did. Because I guess if you do know, you try and do more, as fucked up as that sounds.

You always try more when it’s gone past the point of depression and into suicidal… That just seems to be the reality of shit from what I can see.

She really opened my eyes to a lot of things, mainly how some of the world can be so fucking cruel, but I still admired her courage in the face of it.

Even though she is gone, I’m hoping she found the peace she was looking for.

It’s all fallen on a time where I’m not in my right mind either. I’m out of a relationship I thought was going to last forever.

I feel more alone then what I’ve felt in a long time.

And you may not realise it, but there’s probably half the world right now (or more) feeling broken and alone for some reason or another. 

Ask.

Always ask how someone is and try and listen.

You don’t have to be the bearer of grand knowledge of how to be happier, you just have to listen.

And if anyone feels they need to talk, you can talk to me (kim.a.bebop@gmail.com). You don’t need any real reason, just do it if you need to.

Because although it may seem like there’s no way out, and believe me, I’m fucking right there with you now, because I feel that way at the moment. Maybe soon there will be.

Just don’t keep it in, let it out, fuck anybody who tells you that what you feel is wrong, it’s not wrong.

It’s just the way it is right now.

The Media VS Reality

Since being here, I’ve been forced to endure what I have been avoiding for the past 6 years…

Mainstream Media.

And the only thing I could think to myself was…

What a huge, steaming pile of bullshit.

Fear

I also think, how in the actual fuck can people take this shit seriously, especially considering the way they turn their media stories from news into full action-packed mini films with their fancy powerpoint slides explaining every point of detail like it’s a new fucking crime series. No news reporter even cares about what they’re reading anymore (if they ever did), they all just sit there, trying to look presentable, just reading the news. They could be reading about the deaths of children, murder in the first degree, extreme acts of racism and gang rapings of women, they don’t feel a fucking thing. It’s just a story, just entertainment, pulled from the ugliest depths of our existence. And then people watch it, and it’s nothing more then a horror story that you regularly see on the news. We expect it, all that shit is just a story, almost impossible to distinguish from fiction writing considering how desensitised we are from feeling anything at all for our fellow human.

These reporters spend more time thinking of witty segueways and stupid puns to go with the story then the actual facts of the fucking thing.

Fuck me, what a joke. What a shitstorm. You don’t even need action, thriller or horror movies anymore, just put on your local news, and you’ll feel the fear.

Fear-mongering or scaremongering, is a deliberate use of fear based tactics including exaggeration and usually repetition to influence the public in order to achieve a desired outcome. It is a tactic used to scare or put fear into those viewing a campaign/advertisement and influence the outcome based on fear.

Wake up.

The world isn’t terrible, it’s really not. If anything, we have improved our opinions and knowledge on a lot of things. So why does the media have so much terrible shit to throw at us lately?

Because more people are starting to realise that mainstream media is nothing more then a mass form of manipulation.

I’m not writing this because I’m a tin-foil hat-wearing conspiracy theorist. In fact, I believe there are some documentaries on that side of the fence that are just as manipulative as the mainstream media. I’m writing this just from what I can see, from my own experiences and my own research. Because I don’t like being told by any group what I should and should not think. And this isn’t a post telling you to stop watching the news or anything. All I’m saying is;

See the media for what it is, and start thinking for yourself.

media malcom X

Everything happening right now, is nothing new. These are all the same problems that have plagued us for centuries. What cloud are you living on to think that just because it’s 2016 these problems should have miraculously disappeared by now? I’m telling you right now, they won’t. These are problems that have lingered with us since the dawn of time. They aren’t just going to go away because everything else is advancing.

I’m not debating that the world isn’t a fucked up place. It is.

But that doesn’t mean that YOUR reality has to be a fucked up place.

I choose not to watch mainstream media, or be on feacesbook, because I don’t want that bullshit as part of MY reality. You can view that in two different ways (or more if you’re a big thinker); I’m living in a delusional world I created for myself because I can’t deal with the harshness in the world or; I choose not to let what others do dictate the way I want to see things, so I can make as much difference as I can to what I see.

I see these as both correct, I live in a semi-delusional world where I chose to shut my eyes and go lalala nothing bad is happening. The reason I do this though is because if I went back there, I would lose my mind and my hope for existence, and if I can’t see the point in helping what can never be helped, then nothing will change.

Seven_News_logo
If you want to watch the news, but don’t actually want any facts to back up stories, look no further then Australia’s biggest news coverage channel.

I understand where this supposed ‘renowned hostility’ comment came from about Australia. There is a minority group lobbying to stop some housing being built for Muslims or some shit like that. According to the world we are apparently a very Islamophobic country. I could start throwing the word ‘hypocrite’ to the person that said it in a passing comment, because they’d rather go to New Zealand over Australia due to this ‘hostility’ even though they are from America… But I’m not going to, that would make me just as ignorant and racist as they are.

It pisses me off that people choose to blindly follow the news and judge something, someone or somewhere even though they have never seen, met or been. It makes me see red when people choose to spread their ignorant, hateful opinions on a social platform. But I guess that’s why I’m a hostile Aussie, right?

People like you have no idea about our country, our history, or what we’ve been through as a nation. You only see what your media wants you to see. Yet most Australian kids know every single American holiday, why you have it and the history behind it, through all the cartoons and American media we live off. Do you even have a clue that we were just Britian’s convicts, or that we lost the majority of our troops on Anzac Day because we got used as fodder by the English, or that we’ve only been a federation for 116 years?

And for fucks sake there is nothing wrong with the kids of today! There is nothing wrong with advancing in technology and medicine! If anything, I hold all my hope in the Millennials because they are the smartest generation yet. They learn so quickly it’s astonishing, and that’s all thanks to the internet. All thanks to the new celebrities that the kids look up to, YouTube creators. All thanks, to the advancement of technology.

As each generation has passed, we have grown, yet it’s always the same stupid argument from the generation previously; the kids have no idea what it was like living in our time, they don’t appreciate what we had to go through blahblahblahblah BULLSHIT!

Of course we don’t understand, that’s YOUR generation, how the fuck are we supposed to understand anything we haven’t experienced ourselves? When you tell the kids that they’re a bunch of lazy, technology-obsessed whingers, can you not see that you are just as stuck in your ways, with your refusal to accept that the world needs to move forward. It’s not a bad thing, it’s an exciting thing. You can’t just sit there and fucking tell me that the generation you grew up in was fucking roses, because that’s fucking bullshit and you know it. And the last thing this generation needs is the over-criticising comments from the older generations who are starting to lose the power they once had in this world.

Stop saying the world is fucked. If it’s fucked, do something. Don’t just sit there and whinge about it. Talking doesn’t help, action does. The only person you are hurting is yourself. Why? What’s the fucking point?

Encourage the kids. Encourage them to be better then us.

Encourage them to speak up.

Encourage them to think for themselves.

Encourage them to learn.

This is the only way to change the world. Let the newer generations take control, they have fresh ideas, they have more knowledge. They are smarter. They care more, they feel more.

And most importantly, they’re the ones growing up in this day and age.

It’s Gen Y’s turn to rise up into power soon, my generation, the generation with double the numbers of the Baby Boomers. We are working on it. The majority of us want to change, want the world to change with us.

Stop concentrating on the minority who still wants everyone to suffer. These are not the majority, they are just the loudest of us.

Stop blaming the ignorance of the people either. You don’t win arguments by telling people they are stupid. You do it through understanding and educating.

The rest of the world is not your enemy.

This is:

free your mind