It’s so hard to start over.
But I guess the first step is always the hardest.
It feels like the first post again. Wondering what I should write about, wondering what it even means to blog. The reason it feels like the first time again, is because I am back in a situation that I honestly didn’t think I’d ever be back in.
It’s only now that I realise how much of a delusion I was living in…
All by myself.
I don’t know why I attached such a stigma to it. Because this is the ultimate lesson for me, facing up. Not just saying that I am, not just forcing myself to believe I am.
I guess it takes losing something to make you realise what you had. But in saying that, it also makes you realise what you didn’t have, who you are and what you were actually looking for in the first place.
What the fuck actually happened?
Where was the point in time where I threw away all of what I was? Who was I? Because current Kim, at this exact moment in time, doesn’t even recognise Kim of 2 months ago. It’s like watching a depressing, poorly made film of a relationship nearing death. Now that it’s over, I can replay that last month for what it truly was.
Like watching a car in slow motion, colliding with a freight train.
It was never salvageable, clear as day to anyone witnessing it, but not to me. I was wearing rose tinted contacts, that somehow got put in when I wasn’t aware. Surely to fuck that is what it was, please don’t tell me I voluntarily put on the glasses.
Face up, you put those glasses on right at the very beginning.
The last few weeks I have spent in the dark, playing video games, watching Netflix, cutting myself away from certain music, shielding myself from everything that had a memory attached to it. It was sad. I was sad. But that’s ok. I have a right to feel like this. Fuck, I’d be a robot, or have a severe lack of empathy, to not be sad over the ending of a relationship I put 2 and a half years into.
I swear I’m not a bad person.
No, I know I’m not a bad person.
But everything can always begin again.
I’m not talking about relationships.
I’m talking about me.
No person will ever cause the death of my soul. I am a survivor. I am in all ways flawed, but in saying that, I am at my highest capacity of learning. Because after pain comes the healing, but in between that, the reason behind the lesson, and the brief moment of understanding and clarity.
People care about me, and for once I don’t question it. I’m just thankful for it. But not bewildered by it, because there’s nothing wrong with who I am. Why wouldn’t people care about me?
I’m learning how to drive, one of my biggest fears, manual not auto.
I’m walking everywhere.
I’m painting again.
I’m doing the right things. And although I may not feel anything other then flat right now, I will go through all the motions until it finally feels good again.
Because it is good, even though I don’t feel it yet, doesn’t mean it is any less good. At least logic brain has decided to step up, while emotional brain is still in a deep rest. Don’t read into it, emotional brain needs the rest, it has worked overtime the entirety of my life.
It’s going to be ok. Better then ok. Soon we will graduate from just surviving, to living.
Listen to the music again, face up to the pain, embrace it, learn.
Well they get what they want, and they never want it again.
Go on take everything, take everything, I want you to.