I’m So Dizzy

So I went to go fill out my script for seroquel yesterday…

I have a tendency to lose things. Scripts are one of those things. I know, I know. But I found 3 for the seroquel. One was from my old doctor in Melbourne, first given in February 2015, and the other 2 from my current doctor. The problem with the current scripts are that for one, he filled out my concession card number wrong on the script, and two, the box hasn’t been ticked to get it under concession rate.

Oh, and because ex was not given a concession card when we were in a relationship and was put onto mine, he decided to take it, the reason he was on mine and not his own is because I have a pension card, it’s what you get when you’re either retired or need medical help.

My god was I treated like a junkie by the pharmacists. I showed them the scripts, and they questioned why I had that many scripts, that I can’t prove that I’m not working without the card. And because all of a sudden they’ve cracked down on anti-psychotics, I’m now just a common junkie, using seroquel for recreational purposes, because I’m not Schizophrenic.

Ehhh, denied.

The worst part is there wasn’t a lot I could do on a Sunday, the doctors I see aren’t open, I also couldn’t go to Centrelink and get a temporary card to prove I have one.

So last night was the first night without seroquel, again, I know I went without for like 3 days when I weened off the lamotrogine, but considering the different stresses I have, it feels so much different this time.

I’m so fucking dizzy.

Really. I haven’t really had a reaction like this before, and I’m a fucking trooper at dealing with drugs, of all kind. I mean, my tolerance is waaaay too high for my age, and I’m also used to feeling like shit most of the time. And as I write this, the laptop is staying on my lap, but the rest of the world is swaying to the left. Same with when I was watching the tv, it stayed still, but the rest of the world sways.

He is also procrastinating sending back the form to get off the lease.

So Centrelink assumes we are still in a relationship. Which means our payments are cut. Which seems to be fine for him. But I’m barely getting by. I need my full pay, I can’t organise shit though until he does this one thing…

I CAN’T DEAL, I FUCKING CAN’T. WHEN IS THIS GOING TO GET EASIER, WHEN IS ANYTHING I’VE BEEN DOING LATELY GOING TO MATTER?!

I’m sorry for caps locking, I was shouting and that’s pretty rude… But I’m really not coping again, and I don’t know whether it’s just today, or the lack of meds, or what I’ve been doing lately. Talking to guys on dating sites. I feel stupid for even trying, because no one really cares. And the ones that do are clingy and expect replies. And then there’s the utter confusion with the others in my life.

Why? Why am I doing it when I clearly don’t want to maintain anything or talk. Why am I so easily manipulated all of a sudden? Where is my lack of ability to just say fuck you, and not just try and appease everyone?

Why am I so confused in the relationships I’m trying to maintain. Why am I being so shit at communicating?

Where is my aggression? Where is my fire? Where is all the things that made Kim, KimCasualty, the chaotic warrior I created for myself to cope with this life? 

All I feel is sadness, all the time. I feel so weak and useless. I want to be alone, yet at the same time I’m so lonely.

I don’t want to talk, but I do want to talk. But it’s effort. I used to be an absolute chatterbox, I used to dominate every conversation, to the point where it probably annoyed everyone. 

But I have nothing to say anymore. I don’t know what to say anymore. My mind is blank and black, it used to be loud, now there’s nothing.

Everyday is a battle, I’m not just speaking about me. Everyday we have to fight to keep up our responsibilities, to be nice when we socialise, to be normal and functioning. Everybody has their armour to face the day, music, the clothes we choose to wear, makeup, a whole bunch of shit.

I feel naked.

I go out into the world without any confidence or armour. I am not getting any joy from anything, I’m just going through the motions. Holding back the tears that are just ready to pour out.

And I know this is a stark contrast to my last post, but this is who I am, a stark fucking contrast to every side of myself.

In this break, I have 4 drafts sitting on here. Proof that I’ve tried to write and just having no thoughts in my head to write.

But I guess this is me breaking through again.

I need this. I need to write.

I wanted my brain to stop, and I got exactly what I wanted. 

Be careful what you wish for.

Because I really need myself right now, but it feels like the best parts of me left ship, abandoned me.

This is only for now though..

It’s going to be ok…

Hold on. One hour at a time. Just got to keep surviving.

Get me out of here…