It’s only been recently that I realised that no matter how much I’d like to think that I’m getting over you, but the only thing that is becoming clear is the damage you’ve done.
I wanted to write about art, mainly about the stuff I’ve been doing. And the fact that I’m selling it now, so I’ve moved up to a different level with it now. You know, I’m kind of proud of myself, for committing myself to a project for over a month, straight out, and not letting it beat me even after I accidently fucked up a version when it was in its last colouring stages. I wanted to write about Steven Universe, I really did… These are probably going to be the last positive words in this post though, because I’m not going to sugar coat it when I say that everything else I feel over shadows any good feeling I feel about any achievement. And the problem with me is that I have ignored any bad thoughts, for the past 8 months.
Now it’s actually affecting me…
Everybody, new or familiar, that has come into my life in the past month I have pushed away in the most explosive possible way. I burnt those fucking bridges down.
And since my stance on reality is so fucking unstable right now, I can’t tell whether this is self sabotage or self preservation.
But it’s not any of that, it’s still you.
You sent me back to my parents after spending 2 and a half years never having left your side.
You sent me back with a letter instructing me to do the things you like so I would think of you, you stated in that letter that you wanted me to be part of your family.
You said that after the week we would meet for my mothers birthday, we’d celebrate with her and then we’d go home.
You ignored my messages all week. You stood me up in front of my family and left me to break down in a carpark. You then continued to break up with me over text message.
You were the one who encouraged me to get this diagnosis. You were the one who assured me you were going to be there for me, whatever happens. You were the one who promised that you would still love me, even if I went of the medication that made me stable, you said my health and head was the most important thing.
You made me trust you. You made me think that love existed. You made me take me walls down, the mental and medicated walls.
Then you regurgitated some Rush lyrics at me like a pretentious hipster wanker after you promised we’d be a family.
You left with no mental support, no medication, and I’d never lived alone before.
You just left me fucking mangled.
How in the fuck do I trust anybody ever again after this?
What is this blog?
I’m so fucking humiliated because you were tied into everything in my life, including this blog. Most of the year of this blogs existence, he was in it.
What the fuck do I even write about anymore when all I see is my own delusion writings of when I was so happy.
But that happiness was a lie.
And that’s why I haven’t been writing lately… because I need to know who I am first, because I am not who I want to be now.
I am a mess, and that’s ok. I am still a wounded animal, still bleeding and lashing out at everyone.
But I’m so fucking lonely, I’m so hurt by the fact that al the people I chose to connect with again couldn’t even spare time for me. I’m sad that I can’t be trusted with romantic relationships either because of intense, unhealthy, obsessive feelings.
But now things are finally coming about, in regards to my mental health. I’m on this journey alone.
I spend all my time alone, I speak with very few people. And the more things stay this way, the crazier I am starting to feel.
But this situation is only for now, just have to push through and face the darkness alone.
Leaving a link to Jordan Underneath because this video is super weird and how I’m feeling right now. Warning, if you are easily disturbed and don’t like horror, weirdness or creepy puppets then don’t watch this link.