I Don’t Understand

I’ve had a while to think about the diagnosis, and overall I’m happy with what they said.

I was happy that they proved me right.

I was happy that I had something more reasonable to explain me as a person.

But I’m also starting to realise the extent of social issues I’ve always had.

There are some days where I just can’t function, usually they’re triggered by the way I sleep. I usually have a bad dream, and I wake up to something that I don’t want to deal with. These days are the days where any little thing can trigger tears, what am I saying, most days are like that, but these days are particularly bad.

Because when I start crying on days like this I can’t stop.

I get so overwhelmed. I can’t think rationally, and any outside attempt at trying to get me to see reason and logic will immediately be crushed by my mind that spins its way into a downward spiral, and it doesn’t stop until it reaches the very bottom. It’s hell for that time spent in the very blackest of these moments. Because all I feel is pain, and the scab gets unpicked and it feels like an open bleeding wound inside of me that will never heal, because I can’t remember where it even came from, only that it’s a combination of everything terrible way I’ve felt and been hurt.

My brain goes into full meltdown.

But then just like that it’s over. I pull myself out of the roughest of it, and I can think again. These meltdowns will always happen, and the pain always feels at the same level. The sadness always lingers for a while and I’m always exhausted, but then I start to reflect.

I thought I could read people, but I can’t actually read people at all.

I can’t understand the subtleties of conversation or people. I can only take people at their word, which is stupid because I take words literally and most people don’t. But I don’t have anything else to go on because I can’t read body language.

I’ll never understand people the same way normal people do, and normal people don’t understand me. I trust too easily, because I can only trust completely, or not at all. So it’s easy to fuck me over. And people sure have. I realise that now.

I thought I knew what loving someone meant, but I don’t think I even understand what love is, I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I don’t even know if I have the ability to truly grasp the adult concept of it, and not the ridiculous romantic thing it is in my head.

If only you knew how tortured I feel, knowing that I lack something that I don’t even understand the concept of. How do you learn something that’s supposed to be natural?

I’ll always see what people want me to see, but I’ll never understand if they’re being sincere or just polite.

I’ll never understand the difference between poking fun and bullying, because my sensitivity is so high.

I’ll always have to think about what I say because there are so many social rules that are just inherently known that I’m still learning.

I always felt like I was putting together a puzzle in my head, and for a while the autism diagnosis felt like a final piece to the puzzle.

Now I realise that the puzzle was fucked from the start, I’ll never piece it together because the pieces are abstract and don’t fit together.

I feel like an alien. Like there’s something that everyone else knows but I don’t. I feel like even though I’m starting to make friends, it makes me more self conscious and concerned then ever. Because I don’t know what I do to fuck things up. And I never see it coming.

And I’m scared that people just pity me, but I know that’s just due to how badly I see myself. It’s kind of weak in a way.

I’d rather beat myself down then acknowledge that I’m someone people want to spend time with, and with that comes the responsibility of being self aware and thinking before I speak.

I guess it is a trust thing too. I have to trust completely that these people are being sincere with me, it’s just really hard to trust when you can’t read people.

And I can’t read people.

I don’t understand.

I find myself saying that a lot lately.

One thing I know for sure is this; I’m a genuine person and I can say that for certainty.

So shame on you for using that to your advantage.

 

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4 thoughts on “I Don’t Understand

    1. I really appreciate you saying that. But I know that me trusting people gets me into trouble, especially when I can’t see the warning. Maybe you’re keeping people at arms length for a reason, I don’t know, I don’t like making assumptions. But I’ve always seen you as pretty smart, so there must be reasons why you feel like that.

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