Pacify Me

‘Apply for the NDIS’ they said.

They’ll help you’ they said.

And a year and a half later I finally get word that I’ve been REJECTED.

Just like receiving the word from the final psych that he also won’t see me.

‘Maybe you should just get the counselling then’.

You know what that comment feels like? Getting kicked in the guts repeatedly while you’re down then having some snide fuck offer you a hand up only to yoink it away at the last minute.

Yes, of course it’s the systems only answer for helping me, so I’ll be fucking pacified.

Guess what? I’m not fucking doing it.

The only other option I see is to get myself admitted and seen to there, anyone got any suggestions on what will get me into a ward and not jail?

Maybe I could shave my head out the front of Centrelink, or piss myself in the middle of a shopping centre Exorcist style.

What, does this talk make you uncomfortable? Is my anger too volatile?

Better just start those 10 magical free sessions that will pacify me, I mean, fix me enough to function like a normal person in this society.

But Kim, at least our system isn’t as bad as the US, you’ve got it pretty good.

Yeah, I guess the difference is in the US I’d be dead, but over here I’m only contemplating complete public humiliation to get me noticed by a system that thinks everyone on the disability is a fucking dole bludger anyway. See, how much fucking better it is over here?!

I’m so sick of using comparing how bad it is in other countries to justify how fucking awful our mental health system is over here.

But Kim, maybe if you just think positively you’ll be rewarded with more positivity. Just work hard all you’ll get there.

STOP TRYING TO FUCKING PACIFY ME!

Life is shit at the moment, the system is shit, and it has FAILED me. I REFUSE to sit by and PRETEND that I’m happy when I’M NOT FUCKING HAPPY! Maybe if I was sitting in a more comfortable position I could see the positives in my situation. But at this point in time there is NO HOPE. And guess what? If there’s no hope it means there’s NOTHING LEFT TO LOSE. So no, I’m going to kick and fucking SCREAM till I fucking collapse and maybe then they’ll help me.

But I will FUCKING NOT stay silent.

I will not be pacified with counselling sessions from a system that still thinks mental health issues is a sign of weakness.

Please…

Please.

Please!

Don’t tell me to calm down.

Just let me be angry, because I’m the only sane one here getting angry at this broken system.

 

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Cunt.

No I don’t care. I’m done caring about what my words mean.

Dear Doctor GM,

Fuck you and your referral letter.

Part of me wants to link you this but that’s probably not the greatest idea. Not because I care that it will be taken out of context or I won’t be taken seriously, because I already know that’s a fucking given, I’m just a stupid little junkie woman that’s constantly ‘truculent’ (thanks for the new word by the way, I’ll use it whenever someone airs their frustrations to me and I want to be a patronising fuck about it). I won’t do it because I don’t think the gp I see noticed that there’s a big bold disclaimer on the letter saying;

Without prejudice. Not for release to Patient or Third Party.

So even though I want to link this hate filled blog to you in an email, I won’t because the gp actually gives a shit about me. Or he does a good job at making me believe that, like you did.

I don’t think you realise how important it is to get the information correct on a referral like this. Or maybe you do, but you don’t care. After all, I’m not a tax payer so I have no real value as a person in this society, not nearly as much as you being a ‘small town psychiatrist’ as you called it. A private one of that. Did you give yourself a pat on the back for waving my appointment fee, since ya’ couldn’t help me so it wouldn’t be fair to charge me. I would’ve been happy to pay the fee if you did your fucking job and wrote down my history correctly;

Getting a history from Kimberley was quite difficult because at interview she was quite tearful at times and truculent at other times : a comprehensive storyline was difficult to establish.’

It wasn’t comprehensive because you didn’t ask me any fucking questions! You let me ramble on about myself then spent 40 minutes talking at me about the fact that there was no hope for me or my generation to get a job and that Australia has a corrupt and fucked up government. You knew you couldn’t help me from the start so the whole session was just you fucking fluffing for most of the time. But I noticed you wrote down key factors to do with the drugs both illegal and prescription that I’ve taken. Autopilot, autopilot, keywords, keywords. That’s why my storyline wasn’t fucking comprehensive.

Cunt.

‘Medical history includes polycystic ovarian syndrome diagnosed recently.’

This pisses me off so much you have no idea. PCOS was diagnosed at 14. I’ve LITERALLY been telling doctors about this since then, but until I got another recent ultrasound no one took my word for it. THEY NEVER FUCKING LISTEN TO ME.

I believe she is on the ‘disability stream’ for the next 3 months via Centrelink.’

You really were a deaf old cunt weren’t you. I said I was EXEMPT from my stream for the next 3 months, the disability stream has been a permanent thing for years. What I was asking for was a letter from you helping me get on to disability PAYMENTS, which you declined because in your words it was ‘a pointless endeavour’ which actually translates to ‘filling out paperwork is tedious’.

She also mentioned suffering lifelong anxiety for which she had tried Xanax and Valium and about which she was enquiring in terms of further treatment.’

THAT’S A LOAD OF FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! This pisses me off so badly on so many levels! I also mentioned? Are you fucking serious, IT WAS WHAT THE WHOLE SESSION WAS ABOUT! I got prescribed Xanax and Valium at the same time when I first got diagnosed at 15, it was a completely bullshit thing to prescribe someone that young. I made a throw away exasperated comment about no one wanting to prescribe anything to help with my crippling anxiety and it’s not like you could give me Valium continuously even though it would be nice to have some relief from it. I NEVER FUCKING ONCE ASKED FOR THOSE DRUGS IN THAT SESSION! Do you even realise how much of a junkie you’ve made me out to be in this one fucking line?! NO ONE TAKES A PERSON ASKING FOR BENZOS SERIOUSLY, IN THE HISTORY OF FUCKING EVER!

You’ve branded me with the junkie label. You ignored the fact I’ve quit fucking cigarettes and haven’t touched had drugs in over 8 years to give me this fucking benzo label when I’ve never fucking once abused those drugs. And the other psych, the only one in fucking Melbourne that can help me, is immediately going to judge me like this because YOU are meant to be the credible source.

FUCKYOYFUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU.

And there goes any hope I had in the system and for myself.

Cunt.

Scratched loop brain words

Why don’t I get it? Why don’t I understand how people work? Why don’t I feel close? Is any of it real? Why can’t I sense anything? Why can’t I feel properly? Why do I feel so much? Why does it hurt?

Why can’t I think of anything other then questions?

Why does nothing make sense? Am I going crazy? What is normal? Am I normal? If no one is normal then what is crazy? Why is nothing good enough? Why am I so angry? Why am I so sad? Why am I so confused? Why am I so bad when nothing is wrong?

Why can’t I think of anything original? Why can’t I create? Why are my ideas so boring? Why is everything I do awful? Why am I so intolerable? Why does it seem like everyone hates me?

Why is no one honest? Why is no one open? Why can’t I accept praise? Why is doing the right thing never enough? Why does it feel like everyone’s against me? Why do people keep yelling when they aren’t? Why can’t anyone hear how loud it is?

Why can’t I be an adult? Why can’t I function? Why don’t people get me? Why don’t I get me? Will I ever not be completely empty? Will the hole ever not be there?

Will I ever get it? Will anything ever be worth it? Will my brain ever not be a prison?
 Will I ever be truly happy? What’s the difference between happy and manic? How do people control their impulses?

How do people not overthink? Why do I overthink? How do I stop overthinking? Why do I care what others think? Why does not caring about appearance means not caring about yourself when caring about looks is narcissistic?

If you shouldn’t care about what people think then why do you have to care what people feel? Do I lack empathy even typing that? Are there unwritten rules that people just know?

Will these questions ever be answered in a way that makes sense to me?

Is peace different to happiness? Is happiness different to contentment? If no one takes words literally then what’s the point of using words at all? If body language explains more then why do we need to talk? 
Why are people mean? Why are nice people liars? Why can’t I describe the ache I feel?

What’s the point of my existence? Will I ever go anywhere? Will I ever not be terrified? Will I ever stop repeating myself? Will I ever stop asking questions? Will I ever stop over thinking? Will it ever stop being a circle?

When will it stop?

When will this stop?

When will I stop?

When will it end…

Covfefe

I’ve got about 3 drafts sitting here because I wanted to post a meaningful and important thing about how important it is for all Australians to vote on the marriage equality situation that’s going to happen.

But I can’t write anything rational about the subject because it makes me so fucking angry that there’s even a vote at all.

So instead this is just another random life post, because when all the shit in my life gets too hard to deal with, I come back here to let you know I’m not dead in a ditch or anything.

So I’m moving out. This time last year, well, around this time anyway I posted about this house. It was magical when we first moved in. A quirky, weird place that I thought we were going to spend a lot of time in.

I didn’t know that this place was the beginning of the end for us. 

And I read the post that I wrote that year ago and I realise how fucking naive I was. Because this place is a piece of shit that deserves nothing more then to be bull dozed.

It’s been utter hell all winter due to the lack of proper heating and because of the shitty layout makes the wood fire place redundant. There are holes everywhere leading to the outside so I live with bugs and rodents and fuck knows what else that wants to get out of the cold. Oh, and I mustn’t forget about the lovely neighbourhood this place is located in… not only did junkies run down my front fence but they also ran down my neighbours fence too, the joys of living on the corner of round about’s with young dickheads around.

Yep, of course I feel perfectly safe here.

But in spite of all of that, I can’t stop the sadness. I had so many dreams that were crushed in this house, and I lived in this house for a year. Sometimes I wonder whether it’s him or the fact that I was so sure about this place. Before we came here I dreamt about a house with 3 rooms with high ceilings and that it was far away from where I was. And that’s exactly what this place was.

I’m glad I’m not on facebook anymore, because the family are all showing their true colours with this vote coming up.

I don’t give a fuck about the blood is thicker then water bullshit, if you quote the old testament like the cherry picking cunt you are, I hate you. And if you are still against gay marriage in this day and age you’re a fucking bigot, and your opinion doesn’t only mean shit to me, it’s fucking irrelevant in general. I don’t give a shit about sugar coating my feelings on the subject, I fucking hate this argument. It shouldn’t even be an issue left to the public and my fucking gosh I’m ashamed of this country!

Also where I stand on this issue should be pretty clear, but I support marriage equality.

gay pride

And this is why I couldn’t write a whole post on the subject, because I just get filled with rage.

Breathe Kim.

So I’ve been living in a no mood stabiliser hell for a couple of months now, because they thought it was giving me a rash but it turns out my house is just infested with fleas.

So I took matters into my own hands and started taking it again with the sheet I had left, even though I know I’m going to have to find another doctor in the next 4 days to prescribe them to me again. Because I’m not going back to a doctor who starts saying he fears for his safety because I disagree with him.

I feel physically ill when I kill bugs, and you say you fear for your safety because I said I don’t want to fuck around with a certificate for Centrelink? Fuck off idiot.

So it looks like this is just a pure anger post, but that’s all I can get out of myself right now, and it needs to come out.

I have nothing more to say about all this media covfefe.

Fuck Your Forced Positivity

Disclaimer; this opinion is coming from an incredibly unregulated emotional person, so take my opinion with a grain of salt, or the whole fucking shaker.

The reason I am writing this is because I’ve seen a lot of positivity blogs, youtube videos and whatnot. And I feel like I need to get my opinion out on this, not that I’m incredibly sure I’m correct or anything.

But in my opinion, forced positivity is more then just an incredibly annoying mindset for anybody else experiencing these vomit-worthy positive people, I think it’s an incredibly unhealthy mindset.

Because happiness is a state of mind, and to even achieve that state of mind, it requires you to experience emotions you don’t want to experience.

There is no such thing as feeling happy, if you have not experienced sadness.

There is no satisfaction without first experiencing problems to overcome.

All of our emotions are important, we are the smartest species on the planet, yet most of us can barely stand the feelings that make us uncomfortable.

Fear exists, because without fear, we wouldn’t have bravery. And to say that fear doesn’t exist is fucking delusional.

That’s what I think about forced positivity, it’s delusional. It is not truth.

It’s the equivalent of sticking your head in the sand going, la la la, if I can’t see or hear it then it can’t hurt me.

Guess what? Life fucking sucks and we are all going to die one day. Think that’s harsh? Life is fucking harsh!

And guess what? It doesn’t matter whether you ‘push out some good vibes’ or beat your head against a wall in frustration, nothing is ever going to change the above fact. The world will keep turning whether you are crying or smiling, the universe doesn’t give a fuck about you in particular, it’s too busy being awesome and holding planets and shit.

And if you’re angry about that then good, be angry, anger can be one of the most useful emotions that we have. Because if you’re angry about something, it means you’re not happy with whatever it is you’re angry at. It means you’re more likely to want to change that situation over sitting there and being content with it. Because nobody is content when they’re angry.

If everybody got angry at the world’s situation then maybe it would change, but sitting around praying or telling people to smile because the world is beautiful, does not change shit! In fact it just shows how easy your life is and how fucking selfish you are because these poor struggling people are bringing you down with their sadness.

Sadness is also important, because when we feel sad we have more of an ability to undestand other people. You really think we are all connected in this world through our happiness and good deeds? Fuck no, this isn’t a disney movie, we are all connected by the pain that everyone experiences just from being alive.

This is what empathy is, and it’s incredibly hard to have any empathy for anyone else when you’re too busy concentrating on your own fake happiness.

There is much more wisdom in pessimism then there is in optimism. Pessimism lowers your expectations so that when things do go wrong (which they will) it’s less painful. Pessimism makes you question things and people, making you trust your own instincts over anything else.

There is also a lot of beauty in sadness. Some of the best art and music was created with this emotion.

If you don’t feel scared in a world like this, then what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you living under some positivity rock? Why aren’t you scared? There is danger around every corner, and theres a huge percentage that something really bad will happen to you.

There is so much to be afraid of in this world, and people with no fear usually take stupid risks and die. I know that seems like black and white thinking but it’s true.

Without fear, there is no self preservation.

Fear is not a useless emotion! Fear stops us from doing dumb shit, like walking in front of oncoming traffic or diving into the ocean thinking we can swim in that depth.

And without first being afraid, how do you then face that fear and learn from it?

This is not meant to be a post telling you not to try and think positively or hope for better things, even though it may seem like I am.

Hope is all we really have in this world.

All I’m saying is, don’t be brainwashed by these people who seem to think that if you ignore every other emotion aside from happiness, then everything will be ok.

Because it will never be ok if you think like that.

You need to face up to the emotions that make you uncomfortable, it’s your brains way of telling you that something is wrong and you need to work on it. You need to respect those emotions, because if it weren’t for them, you wouldn’t be capable of feeling happiness at all.

Society has forced us into this state of mind, where we feel broken and wrong because we aren’t as happy as what the media keeps pushing out that we should be. We label emotional people as sick, we force them full of pills and we loathe their very existence because they’re always such ‘downers’.

Positivity is just another tool in the system used to sell you shit. It’s just mass manipulation so that you’ll continue to buy things.

We are more human for feeling bad, because life is hard and people get hurt so much.

You don’t have to be strong in this life, but you do have to be brave.

You have to try, try your fucking hardest.

We try and we hope, and that’s all we can do.

We have to give all of our emotions the respect they deserve, instead of disregarding them because its too hard to face.

You need to be brave, not positive.

 

 

Boycott Wall Street Journal

Calm down, it’s me guys, my first ever post was about not boycotting stuff just because you don’t agree with it.

It got your attention, right? (Doubtful, I’m probably much more smart in my head)

I hope it did, because I need to bring to light the issue of fake news and the defamtion of a person for money. I say it and it sounds pretty standard for a large media company. But that doesn’t make it right.

Because of posts from wall street journal, Pewdiepie (yep, another pewds post) has been dropped from his label Maker,and offset company of Disney, and his show Scare Pewdiepie Season 2 has been cancelled, and he is no longer on YouTube Red. They did this because they believe Pewdiepie is anti-semitic. 

Again, both of these posts may sound like I’m part of the ‘bro army’ defending my spazz god, but this post isn’t about that.

It’s about fake news. It’s about how soulless the media can be, by destroying the reputation of someone big, just for more views and money. Every post is over-exaggerated and taken waaaay out of context. How do I know this? Because they use his videos clips but cut the parts where he’s saying something against the Jews. They cut these parts out, and I watch Pewdiepies videos, he says everything in jokes. The Fiverr incident was a joke! He did not do it vindictively nor did he think those men would even hold the sign up at all!

(And no I’m not going to provide evidence for the Wall Street Journal article because to read the whole thing requires you to sign up and pay for it.)

There have also been other Youtubers who have spoken out in defense of Felix, main one being Ethan and Eila from H3H3, who happen to be Jews.

Everything is wrong about this situation. This isn’t journalism, this is blatant bullshit.

This is a problem because it takes away from the true racists, it’s a problem because it’s the defamation of a person, for the sake of money.

When are people going to stop with needing to get offended over fucking everything?

I stand beside Felix on this one #StandByPewdiePie, not because I’m a fan, but because I believe that this evil journalism is a problem that needs to stop.

Leave Pewdiepie Alone! (please look at me, I have Pewds in the title!)

For anybody who has lived under a rock, or pays no attention to what is happening on the internet, this is Felix Kjellberg, aka PEEEEEEEEEWDIEPIEEEEEEE, aka the King of Youtube.

Now you know the situation on Youtube is dire when I come out actually defending Pewdiepie, I didn’t think there would ever come a point where I needed to write something like this.

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(The cringe is very, very real)

But seriously Youtube, what the fuck? Why are you punishing youtubers? Why are you punishing people like me who support your website in the biggest possible way? I literally spend at least 2 hours of my day watching Youtube, everyday. I was even paying for Youtube Red with its serious lack of content. I mean, come on Youtube, the amount of content you have you could probably watch it all in the space of a day, you have at the most like a 10th of content that Netflix has, and you’re still charging like $7 more then Netflix!

And to make it worse, since my membership has been cut because I couldn’t afford it anymore, Youtube is now punishing me with minute long adds that you can’t skip every fucking video, even to the point where there’s adds half way through videos!

Fuck you Youtube! This is not how you convince people to view shit on your website!

Look, I understand that Youtube Red was invented for the benefit of the Youtuber so that they can have a regular income from videos instead of just relying on views, which is the bulk of where Youtubers get their money from. I also understand that the biggest perk of Youtube Red is the lack of adds. But that isn’t the job of the viewer to make sure that Youtubers get viewed for the hard work and content they produce, it’s Youtubes!

Why the fuck aren’t you looking after your Youtubers, Youtube? These are the people that drive in all the revenue, basically, they are your employees, you wouldn’t even be a website if it weren’t for these people!

Youtube changes the algorithms of how you view videos all the time. Most of the time these changes overall improve statistics for Youtubers, but this latest change has seen an incredible amount of view drops for a fair amount of Youtubers, Pewdiepie was included in this too, with his views dropping significantly (for him anyway).

A lot of Youtubers made videos on these changes, A LOT. There have been channels on the way up now completely out of search results. There have been channels shutting down because they are no longer making enough money to warrant the amount of time, effort or money to make videos.

That’s sad.

It’s kind of sad to say that Youtube is now just as soulless as any of the mainstream media channels now. Youtube used to be about YOU, about ANYONE being able to upload a video, it was such a celebration of unique people and the creative content that they make. Now it’s just about bombarding you with standard shit that’s no different from what you see on TV. Why the fuck are people like Jimmy Kimmel, Ellen Degeneres and even the fucking Rock doing on Youtube? Why is Youtube promoting this? It’s not fucking fair! I’m watching Youtube to escape celebrities like this!

Back in the day, the main people on Youtube were animators, now if you’re an animator, you’re lucky that you can even afford to feed yourself, because they killed any revenue animators were getting about 4 years ago.

Because according to Youtube; Fuck art, fuck creativity, let’s promote these celebrities because they’re popular, let’s cut out anything that makes the website unique and turn it into a mass money-making drone like the rest of the media.

They’ve made this point very clear all year, what with the fucking brilliant ‘Youtube Hero’ idea. What a joke Youtube, real smart idea. Give the power of being able to strike down videos (which by the way, everytime a youtube video gets striked, it takes weeks for the Youtuber to fight for the video to get put back up, even though it may not have deserved the strike in the first place, and while it’s down no one can watch it, so it gets no views therefore no money) to the fucking public! Are you fucking serious?! Have you even been into a comment section on any Youtube video? It’s just a bunch of spastic kids spewing bullshit all over the place. And you want to give them the power to destroy the livelihoods of Youtubers?

It’s because you’re fucking lazy Youtube, why hire people with intelligence who can actually screen through Youtube and take down the bad shit like porn, or pirated movies. Noooo, it’s a lot cheaper to just employ the public to do the job you ca’t be bothered paying someone to do. Who gives a shit who gets affected, at least people only have themselves to blame if shit goes wrong.

It’s sad that the Youtube rewind had at least 5 known celebrities in it, the main one being the Rock, which they liked to throw in almost every scene. To anybody who doesn’t know what the Youtube Rewind is, it’s a video created every year by Youtube themselves meant to promote and show all the things that happened over the year with Youtubers. It’s always been to show off the biggest Youtubers, introduce you to different ones you may not have seen. So why is it, the biggest Youtuber ever, Pewdiepie, has less screen time then the fucking Rock and James fucking Cordon?

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(Scene from Youtube Rewind, 2016. Dwayne, you do not belong here!)

Pewdiepie is quite literally the most famous Youtuber ever, a celebrity in his own right, promote the Pewds at least, don’t promote wankers like James Cordon, and his dumb car karaoke bullshit act!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now to the main point of the heading of this heading…

Journalists have been spending a great deal of time whinging about Pewdiepie over his last stunt. Pewdiepie made a video, much like everyone else did, explaining how his views have dropped down to only 2 million views in comparison the like the 10 million he normally receives. He also explained that yes, he still makes a lot of money, but he’s making the video to bring light to the subject for all the smaller youtubers getting deeply affected by it.

This is when articles like Pewdiewhine started. I mean, how dare he complain about his views dropping when he’s already made a fuck tonne of money?

Pewdiepie then released an incredibly controversial video about how at 50 million subscribers he was going to delete his channel.

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(You’ve gotta give points to the Pewds, whether you think he’s an idiot or not, he’s a marketing genius)

Now, anybody who watches Pewdiepie regularly, or is even interested in pop culture in general knows that Pewdiepie never takes anything seriously. Most of the shit that spews out his mouth is meant to funny, humorous. I mean fuck me, he’s a dude that plays video games for a living, he’s not Hitler.

I’m not even joking, this is the criticism that Felix is facing, being described as a nazi and the ‘Hitler’ of Youtube because of a comment made in jokes on the video.

OMG the over-sensitivity is astounding! Use your fucking brain people, do you really think the biggest Youtuber in the history of Youtube is serious when he says that Youtube has something against white people (Pewdiepie is white you know)? Don’t you think that sounds a bit silly? 

I don’t care what your feelings on Pewdiepie are, he is what made Youtube as big as what it is, he’s been around since 2006. Also, picking on Pewdiepie is only masking the bigger issue Youtube has, which is that Youtubers are suffering under this new algorithm which deems it necessary to promote soulless talk-show celebrities who are already on TV!

And seriously, did you really think Pewdiepie was going to delete his channel, c’mon guys, you’re all just butt hurt you fell for the best trolling of the year.

(I have Pewdiepie in the title, does that mean I get views for this post now?)