This post is brought to you because of lamotrogine making it’s way back into my system and bringing back sanity.
Or it’s bringing on hypermania, if you want to be that cynical bastard.
Psy is back! He hasn’t posted a song on his youtube channel for over a year and 5 days ago he posted 2 songs. They’re pretty weird but that’s kind of standard for Psy.
K-pop brings me a lot of joy, and Psy was kind of the reason why K-pop became more mainstream.
Oh, and to anyone wondering who the fuck Psy is, 2 words; Gangnam Style
This split people into some weird categories; those who loved dance and loved the fun of K-Pop and became instant fans, the standard anti dance music haters who just hated it because it was annoying and over-played, and racists. At least in my vicinity.
I don’t care what your opinion is on Psy, he is unique, fun and I love him for it. I love that he is the comparison to Kim Jong Un on the South (nice) side of Korea.
It’s not just the music that makes Psy truly special and unique either, it’s his dancing.
Psy dances with the grace of a man who was was not gifted with the standard K-pop men looks, so instead had to compensate with weirdness and enthusiasm. And he doesn’t give a fuck because, dat Psy be pretty rich now.
I love that in a person, hence why I wrote about Charlie Sheen (woah I’m hyping up a pretty old post and writing in italics half way through a sentence, I don’t know, I kind of liked that post and I need to link all that shit again anyway so go read it for shits and giggles. Sometimes I Wanna Party Like Charlie Sheen)
I’m not going to link to Gangnam Style even though it’s totally amazing, I’m going to link to recent and 2 years ago Psy, because, this seems like a good post, even though it’ll probably only get read in a few months when new people start scolling through my feed because I’ve actually gotten my shit together and started reading peoples shit again.
Not shit, sigh, you know what I mean. Because I feel bad that I still have at least a handful of people who still read my posts even though I havent been reading much at all. I appreciate you guys, I really do.
Oh, and I picked these 2 songs because I Luv It has the most on fleek dancing I’ve seen on his, also some of the most cringiest, badly translated english subtitles that are an absolute joy for me.
And Gentleman, just because I like it, a lot, it may be my favourite even.
I cycle pretty quickly between interests, and I also like a very wide variety of things, hence why it’s gone from weird horror puppets to K-pop so quickly.
It’s only been recently that I realised that no matter how much I’d like to think that I’m getting over you, but the only thing that is becoming clear is the damage you’ve done.
I wanted to write about art, mainly about the stuff I’ve been doing. And the fact that I’m selling it now, so I’ve moved up to a different level with it now. You know, I’m kind of proud of myself, for committing myself to a project for over a month, straight out, and not letting it beat me even after I accidently fucked up a version when it was in its last colouring stages. I wanted to write about Steven Universe, I really did… These are probably going to be the last positive words in this post though, because I’m not going to sugar coat it when I say that everything else I feel over shadows any good feeling I feel about any achievement. And the problem with me is that I have ignored any bad thoughts, for the past 8 months.
Now it’s actually affecting me…
Everybody, new or familiar, that has come into my life in the past month I have pushed away in the most explosive possible way. I burnt those fucking bridges down.
And since my stance on reality is so fucking unstable right now, I can’t tell whether this is self sabotage or self preservation.
But it’s not any of that, it’s still you.
You sent me back to my parents after spending 2 and a half years never having left your side.
You sent me back with a letter instructing me to do the things you like so I would think of you, you stated in that letter that you wanted me to be part of your family.
You said that after the week we would meet for my mothers birthday, we’d celebrate with her and then we’d go home.
You ignored my messages all week. You stood me up in front of my family and left me to break down in a carpark. You then continued to break up with me over text message.
You were the one who encouraged me to get this diagnosis. You were the one who assured me you were going to be there for me, whatever happens. You were the one who promised that you would still love me, even if I went of the medication that made me stable, you said my health and head was the most important thing.
You made me trust you. You made me think that love existed. You made me take me walls down, the mental and medicated walls.
Then you regurgitated some Rush lyrics at me like a pretentious hipster wanker after you promised we’d be a family.
You left with no mental support, no medication, and I’d never lived alone before.
You just left me fucking mangled.
How in the fuck do I trust anybody ever again after this?
What is this blog?
I’m so fucking humiliated because you were tied into everything in my life, including this blog. Most of the year of this blogs existence, he was in it.
What the fuck do I even write about anymore when all I see is my own delusion writings of when I was so happy.
But that happiness was a lie.
And that’s why I haven’t been writing lately… because I need to know who I am first, because I am not who I want to be now.
I am a mess, and that’s ok. I am still a wounded animal, still bleeding and lashing out at everyone.
But I’m so fucking lonely, I’m so hurt by the fact that al the people I chose to connect with again couldn’t even spare time for me. I’m sad that I can’t be trusted with romantic relationships either because of intense, unhealthy, obsessive feelings.
But now things are finally coming about, in regards to my mental health. I’m on this journey alone.
I spend all my time alone, I speak with very few people. And the more things stay this way, the crazier I am starting to feel.
But this situation is only for now, just have to push through and face the darkness alone.
Leaving a link to Jordan Underneath because this video is super weird and how I’m feeling right now. Warning, if you are easily disturbed and don’t like horror, weirdness or creepy puppets then don’t watch this link.
I know I haven’t posted in a while, so I thought I’d write about my feelings on Disney films, because somtimes I actually do want to write about stuff I like..
Oh snap, what a meta inside blog reference.
The internet ruined my ability to see these movies through innocent eyes anymore. Not with the endless amount of conspiracy theories about Mickey and satanic references, the hate against the portrayal of women, Walt’s past in general, and the dreaded rule 34 of the internet…
When I was a child though, I didn’t even see shit like that, and I consider myself a fairly perseptive child.
But as a child I was mesmerised by the music.
Especially the Disney films I grew up with, in the 90s, when I was 4 and Disney brought me childlike wonder and joy even in my already darkening soul.
So I’ll always appreciate Disney for that.
Sometimes it’s just calming as shit to stop adulting for one second, stop the cynical basterdry of your mind that comes from getting older, and experience the amazing beats of the 90s Disney.
Let me leave you with my favourite Disney song of all.
Calm down, it’s me guys, my first ever post was about not boycotting stuff just because you don’t agree with it.
It got your attention, right? (Doubtful, I’m probably much more smart in my head)
I hope it did, because I need to bring to light the issue of fake news and the defamtion of a person for money. I say it and it sounds pretty standard for a large media company. But that doesn’t make it right.
Because of posts from wall street journal, Pewdiepie (yep, another pewds post) has been dropped from his label Maker,and offset company of Disney, and his show Scare Pewdiepie Season 2 has been cancelled, and he is no longer on YouTube Red. They did this because they believe Pewdiepie is anti-semitic.
Again, both of these posts may sound like I’m part of the ‘bro army’ defending my spazz god, but this post isn’t about that.
It’s about fake news. It’s about how soulless the media can be, by destroying the reputation of someone big, just for more views and money. Every post is over-exaggerated and taken waaaay out of context. How do I know this? Because they use his videos clips but cut the parts where he’s saying something against the Jews. They cut these parts out, and I watch Pewdiepies videos, he says everything in jokes. The Fiverr incident was a joke! He did not do it vindictively nor did he think those men would even hold the sign up at all!
(And no I’m not going to provide evidence for the Wall Street Journal article because to read the whole thing requires you to sign up and pay for it.)
There have also been other Youtubers who have spoken out in defense of Felix, main one being Ethan and Eila from H3H3, who happen to be Jews.
Everything is wrong about this situation. This isn’t journalism, this is blatant bullshit.
This is a problem because it takes away from the true racists, it’s a problem because it’s the defamation of a person, for the sake of money.
When are people going to stop with needing to get offended over fucking everything?
I stand beside Felix on this one #StandByPewdiePie, not because I’m a fan, but because I believe that this evil journalism is a problem that needs to stop.
(Disclaimer: Everything I’m writing about is from the past, I have still not touched any harder recreational drugs since 2010.)
Because I know probably nobody reading this would get this blog title reference reference (unless you’re from Australia and like strange music), so I’m just going to tell you what it’s from. It’s a line out of the song 5 Yards by TISM.
You’re only one fad away from being retro
You’re only one drug away from liking techno
You’re only one glasses of pair from dyslexia
You’re only one Cleo mag from anorexia
You’re only 5 yards from a fuckwit
5 Yards – TISM aka This Is Serious Mum
This post has absolutely nothing to do with TISM, I just think these lyrics are funny.
Plus I’m writing about techno and I thought the heading was witty, like in a hipster, meta, nobody gets it way, coz that’s how I roll.
Sometimes I watch a thing, and in the background they’ll play an electronic song with an amazing beat and it just brings back the memories of my rave days. Not that I went to that many, as most of the time me and my 4 years older, has a car, is big tough and scary and raves hard boyfriend, spent all of our, *cough his, money on weed pretty well all of the time so we hardly could afford to go.
But the few times I did go where the best experiences of my life.
Because I was on all the drugs.
What, what, what?!
This is all how I felt, and my life was far from destroyed from how often I did them, which was rarely (my life was pretty battered though from the weed addiction but that’s not todays topic). I want to talk about it because it was a part of my life I enjoyed.
And no, I don’t think that’s sad. I took recreational drugs, and it enhanced my life and experiences a bit, so what’s the harm in talking about it now? I mean, I always bring up Carl Sagan and that lsd argument, so yeah, look at Carl Sagan. And no I’m not linking shit to Carl Sagan and his lsd use, this isn’t meant to be some wacky pro-drug taking post. I know that for some who may read this it doesn’t matter how good a time I had, they will always be like drugs are bad and end of statement. And believe me I agree, somewhat, but more I think abusing things is bad, and I’m guilty of it too which I’m not proud of, so I’m not condoning drug abuse.
I just want to try and describe how I felt, which is most likely going to be a shitty representation to what it actually was. Because it was awesome.
The thing about me and music, it’s always been intense, because when it comes to movies and music, I love it so much that it can be draining on me when I hear certain genres or bands.
But electronic music doesn’t usually having singing or anything (well, the stuff I was listening to mainly didn’t) and when it did, the lyrics were usually simple.
(Another Disclaimer: All the music I’m referencing is from between 1999-2008, when electronic music was called Techno, and there was no such thing as dubstep, well, that’s probably not true.
Corrected Statement: When dubstep wasn’t mainstream and it still sounded mainly like machines having sex.)
The thing is when it comes to techno, the drugs that are truly going to make you experience it the most would be things like speed, exctacy and mdma. Maybe not so much speed alone because that’s a straight amphetamine, but the other 2 are what I like to call ‘feely’ drugs.
Because they make you feel in love with everything and everyone.
And not just everything and everyone, but yourself too, you feel good. Not just inside, but outside too.
And I mean it in every literal sense of that, you’ll want to rub your arms and hug yourself, because damn you feel good. Like silky, warm and amazing.
So as one can assume, you’re in a different frame of mind, because this emotion is only available whilst on this drug. Seriously. Because it’s not an emotion you’re experiencing in your mind consciously, you feel it in your body more. It’s like the very core of your being is emoting, and your brain is completely tranced out.
When you take out the object of thinking out of the equation, please, just listen to the beat of any popular dance track, and tell me if you were in that state your body would not feel that beat.
The type of noises from electronic music, you experience it in a completely new way, it all fits together for me like a sound masterpiece and my body still remembers how that felt.
You have no idea how happy techno music from back in the day makes me. I can still reminisce and feel the shadow of the feeling I felt on those drugs, on those nights, in those clubs.
And it feels so warm and happy and safe because I created whatever emotion attached to those beats. And in a rave, everybody around you is most likely feeling fucking amazing alongside you too, because they are most likely on those same drugs. And don’t start with how dangerous that sounds.
You know what’s also dangerous? A big rowdy pub full of drunk people.
People on drugs are scary because you don’t know how they’re going to react. You can’t say that one drug is any less dangerous then the other, that’s the one hypocrisy that really fucks me off in people.
Look, the moment I actually touched something harder then weed was the day I realised I was part of a group that was very highly judged now. And I realised that it isn’t the drugs that are bad, the drugs are amazing. It’s the people that get hooked on it and do stupid things which is bad.
Addiction to the point of not only abusing your body, but abusing the law is bad.
But from my weed and cigarette addiction, I can now fully empathise with these ‘junkies’ as they are so callously called.
Can you really blame someone that’s in pain for turning to something which makes them happy, which takes them out of their mind? Can you even imagine, as someone not addicted to anything, to be in that much torment that you would rather give up life just to be on something that made you feel better? I’m sorry but, ‘I get low but I didn’t turn to drugs’, is a fucking ignorant stupid statement. Just because you can deal with situations without getting addicted to anything, doesn’t give you the right to expect everybody to cope the same way as you did. Maybe it’s because you haven’t actually felt the same crippling pain as some that turn to drugs do. Or maybe you have your own bad habits that are addictions as such, things that help you cope like cigarettes or coffee.
Maybe you could never comprehend that pain. And that’s ok, because people feel emotion at different degrees of severity. So understand, you’re fortunate that you don’t experience the same crippling lows as someone that turns to drugs. Be grateful, and feel empathy for all of those poor souls trapped in their addiction, whatever destructive addiction that may be.
Stopping judging, and start understanding. Only then can we truly start making an effort to help with addiction.
And please, put things into perspective. Most of us have drank alcohol. Some get addicted to it, and it is just as devasting as any illegal drug addiction. People can abuse things like prescription medications and food which can be just as destructive on the body.
I also believe that recreational drug use, if done responsibly can be viewed in the same way as drinking at a pub. Harmless social fun not done too often.
It’s only my opinion though, hush now. You don’t have to agree with all of it, I just would like to hope you think about what I said about junkies, because these people deserve more empathy and less judgement.
I’ve been kind of linking this blog to everyone I meet now, in real life I mean. And I kind of realised it’s one of those things that maybe needs to be read before people decide if they want to be my friend or not, as painfully childish and somewhat stupid as that sounds. But this blog is a pretty big warning label, so fuck it.
I will never hold myself back when it comes to me and my unit of a brain in this space.
I have stuff to do this week, not only that but I did stuff this week. The last 2 days have been spent out getting my responsible service of alcohol certificate and my food handling certificate.
Now I am qualified enough to be a bottom bitch in the hospitality industry, joy.
I just want part time work for now so I’m happy I have these, it’s not like this will ever be my career. And I got out of the house and socialising, so I guess it was a good thing for me to do for that reason. Then I’ve got mum and dad staying the night to help with a driving lesson on Thursday so I’ve got plenty on.
These are all good things.
So why do I feel so sad?
For anybody who’s watched Rick and Morty, you nerds would’ve gotten the reference in the title. But for those who don’t watch the show, it’s a catchphrase that Rick says throughout season 1. The meaning of the term though is explained by Birdman;
But the thing is, no one can help me. Because I don’t even know what this is or quite how I’m feeling. This is an attempt at trying to explain something I don’t even know. It’s like every time I get sad or anxious about something it feels different. Like there’s somewhat different levels of severity.
This is just a general sadness, over the fact that I feel so fucking alien in groups or with people now.
I mean, the group I was with was small and just all different. So weird, first day there was 6 of us and today it was down to 4 and well, it was interesting for me. Most of us all had opinions on stuff, so a lot of the time it was constant debate when we were on breaks or lunch, or in the case of this afternoon, through a boring coffee making video that lasted 25 minutes. I guess when you’re in a small group it’s kind of easier to debate without it turning hostile if you have conflicting opinions. I mean, the thing I observed though is that we could all still agree on minor points of the opposite argument.
Look, I understand that this is what intelligent adult conversation is, and I just described it like I was a fucking mongoloid trying to explain debating etiquette to 5 year olds, but you don’t understand the people I’ve lived with!
You also don’t understand how highly sensitive and downright close-minded I can be…
Because I can only tell you that it was a healthy debate, after the fact, after I had to ask about it. Because to me, it still sounded so hostile, so attack like, on me especially with certain topics. But it wasn’t, nobody held any malice, no ones opinions changed. Yet my emotions went fucking nuts and all I could do was just shut up and hold it in. The caged monster inside of me was trying its best to escape.
And I’m not even just talking about the ridiculously short fuse connected to the rage, I mean my whole opinion on these people shifted almost every conversation, down to a deep hatred at moments.
This is my theory, this extreme over-sensitivity was controlled a lot by the lamotrogine, and I regret going off it, for a lot of reasons. But I don’t know whether I could go through the process of getting back on it, not just that, I don’t think I can afford it right now. Because it was a medication that I couldn’t get on medicare, so I had to pay the full price for it. I just don’t think I could do it right now. I don’t know whether I could go through the extra vivid nightmares or the super itchy drug rash it caused.
So I guess the key here is to just not react. So I didn’t. But that didn’t stop the absolute overflow of emotions I felt in trying not to react. It’s exhausting and unpleasant. It’s unpleasant to debate face to face, in real life for me. Because it’s like there are these aggressive tones to peoples voices, like a dog tone that a human can’t hear, but a Kim tone, because it feels like I’m the only one hearing the hostility.
Just because I can realise it doesn’t mean it stops me from reacting at the time. Doesn’t stop it from hurting any less. All it leaves me with is a feeling of being so fucking different. Of not quite connecting, of not being able to relate at all. I mean, none of them really liked the same stuff I did, they were just from different worlds to me, like, boring adult worlds where Doctor Who is lame and adult cartoons like South Park (and Rick and Morty!) is too childish.
I felt like a child again being picked on, but it wasn’t that, it was just we don’t like the same things and these people were a lot more judgemental about it. But they weren’t putting ME down for liking it, I just wasn’t comprehending that at the time. Because I guess that everything I love I hold close to me, like it’s a part of who I am. So to hear people ridiculing it, even if it’s just a tv show or whole fucking genre of shows in my case, it feels like a personal attack on me. Which I understand is silly when it’s not like it’s my own creation or property anyway, but that’s the thing with fandoms.
And you might think that this is all positive that I can at least observe and see it, but that is the exact fucking reason why I am sad.
Because I can see it all in my head, but I’m losing touch with being social. I feel like I can’t apply what I know in the real world, because I can see now I really still don’t have any control over my emotion.
I don’t usually like to post on the news, I don’t like to post on tragic new. I don’t like watching it, reading it or hearing it.
But I can’t not post about what happened in the Melbourne CBD yesterday, because Melbourne is my city, I love the CBD, it’s always been my favourite place in the world. I grew up going to the CBD, I worked my first real job in the heart of the CBD on Collins Street, I’ve regularly walked the streets throughout my life including Bourke St and through the Bourke Street Mall.
Nothing like this has happened in my time. I didn’t think anything bad would ever go down in Melbourne.
Yesterday a crazy fucking psycho mowed down people on Bourke Street Mall, killing 3 people on the scene and injuring 20, another person has also died in hospital bringing the death count to 4. Among the first 3 victims one was a 10 year child.
I have family in the city, a lot of people got taken to hospital just because of witnessing it. I’ve seen a video now removed of the carnage on the street, it was disgusting.
This man has a family history of violence and was also wanted for the stabbing of his brother.
This is the thing, I know this happens a lot in America, but it’s really different when it’s a country that doesn’t allow guns. To kill with a gun is no where near the same kind of personal aggression level as stabbing a person. Then when you hear it’s not a terrorist threat, it’s not politically motivated, it’s just because this guy is a fucking psychopath.
There’s no reason for it. That’s scary.
Too kill with something like a car which is just going to maim, and you just plow down people with nowhere to go with no remorse, it’s fucked.
This affected me. I’m still only an hour away from Melbourne, it’s my city, always will be.
I’m so sorry to the families and people that got affected by this. This was a terrible, scary thing that happened that no one should of had to go through.